if i say i feel i have been too actively living to remember to blog often lately, does that cast the last year of my life in a shadow of not having enough going on? cause it didn’t feel that way, but now i feel so engaged and alive, so present and moving forward…

still, i need a break from packing, so here goes:

contradictions that never grow old to me:

– i don’t give up, even when i probably should, i just file things in a ‘later’ file in my…heart? still – i am terrified of commitment to the point of paralysis.

– i have deep deep faith but no religion, and rare trust.

– i love to quit smoking, and i love the first cigarette of the morning.

– it is the shameful and striving middle class that produces the highest number of revolutionaries, historically.

– i love leaving ny, and i love coming home.

– i fight for change even as i fight for preservation.

– i have never ever wanted to be famous, and yet i put myself out into the world and know that the more people who know me, the more likely i am to make heard the causes of the people who most inspire me.

– i love the shamelessness of sexual freedom but feel more comfortable when i am physically disciplined and a bit prudish. except…i am also a freak. a prudish freak. virgo with a scorpio moon.

– mass movements are spawned by individual self interest.

– i am a bit of a contradiction, period. counter-recruitment military brat who loves and respects my colonel dad. mixed kid who talks a lot about race while believing deeply that it doesn’t literally exist and that people don’t get moved by race or racism but by human stories and injustice. a long term strategist who is tied to no particular outcome, but the freedom of the process and experience. a singer who rarely performs, a writer who rarely publishes and never the huge fiction things i write – oh i fear the writings that come most passionately.

– i need help but cannot ask, and when it is given i brush it aside.

and this isn’t a contradiction but…i’d rather have a pretty bra than a pretty dress.

my first gray hair has arrived, and i am fairly excited about that. because shit – if these past couple of years haven’t earned me a gray hair then what possibly could?

have i ever told you all the story about how i could be the grandchild of james brown? its more likely than…you being the grandchild of james brown. so there. my grandmother was dating him in south carolina around the time she discovered my father was coming. however, my grandmother was a sexy mofo, so…hmm.

i am taking a break from transferring all my cds and dvds to a new cd wallet. the fun part is that i am listening to a lot of cds i have been given and never really listened to. the not fun part is…every other part of it. i have 5 days to make my life in this apartment shrink, disappear, fly away, or relocate.

self-spawned new pet peeve segment of society: people who believe that someone went through the struggle of birth in order for them to chill and gather a large collection of crap.

to that end, does anyone want:
– a crapload of matches i have collected?
– one of my several decks of cards or wine openers?
– one of those rolly carts used for grocery shopping and laundry? bonus: its red!
– my magazine collection, heavy on vanity fairs, new yorkers from before i realized it was just too much to keep up with, and old sources, vibes, blenders, rolling stones and embarrassingly satisfying pop weeklys (us weekly, ok, life and style, people)
– my fine collection of airplane headphones
– my collection of tall dollar candles with images of mary and jesus on them
– my small but fabulous record collection, as i just realized i don’t have or intend to get a record player. includes queen, the beatles, elton john, jackson browne and other classics)
– any of my mini book collections: 1. modern politics. 2. african american studies 3. classics 4. cookbooks. i have really good ones and i don’t use cookbooks. i just like to um, throw food together.
– to come visit my house and take advantage of my desire to let go of most material things?

sigh.

in other news: i am always falling in love with people who are no longer here. i just fell in love with a comedian who is no longer alive – mitch hedberg. ever heard him? hear of him. go listen.

i’ve also been listening to a lot of tenacious d, which is how i came to be in the airport line in montreal behind an old couple singing: "you broke the rules, now i pull out all your pubic hairs. mutha fucka, mutha fucka. i’m gonna kick you derriere, from here to right over there." there’s no easy way to explain that you just can’t get a catchy song out of your head when those are the words!
i have decided that i am not looking for a relationship!! unless i come across an international human rights lawyer who would consider being a stay at home dad and is an amazing masseuse. holla!

i recently learned this communication thing – most people when they talk to you are trying to straight tell you something, or sell you something, or test something they think is brilliant on you, or get you to consult on something they’ve already decided. very very rarely, they want to co-create something with you, however, most people ACT like they are always trying to co-create things with you, and that leads to like 98% of the confusion and wack interactions people have in the workplace. for the record, i am just telling you this.

what else…i had a lot of thoughts while i was in canada, getting my mind blow by these arctic indigenous folks whose land is melting out from under them and stull perservere with hope – its too much, too deep to even discuss what it was like. so – i had a lot of private thoughts, ok? but this is a good representation of the ones i could share…

in my quest for the truth of my fineness, i am investing in having non-furry eyebrows and wearing v-necks. what do you do to make yourself feel ultra-sassy?

oh! and french – je suis listening a mah cds la francais mais je n’etudier pas les books d’accompaniament. so je ne really learning pas, mais je suis making plus effort. so. vous should applaudez moi! ok?