i’m in colorado for the second week of in-person leadership development in this year-long program and it already promises to be more deep and moving than the first.
the amount of things in my life that have changed significantly since march, since last december – its too much to think about really. the need to check in, pace myself, be a better friend and sister and daughter, these things are always in my mind but its such a gift to be forced in a way, forced by a long-ago yes, into the work that is harder for me – acknowledging weaknesses, things i can’t do, things i have a hard time with.
the nature of the work is there is always more to do than anyone can do, no matter how competent and well-meaning we are. and that along there you have to find the support, let people have your back. life is the stories, aka process…the same stories get amped up or muted and told over and over again. it is particularly hard to do work where the people you most love and do the work for are those most likely to push back against you.
my current swirl of self-awareness is that i am no saint, that everything is not benevolent in my thinking no matter how hard i want it to be, that i am still wracked by defensiveness and worry and self-interest. and that all i can do is continue to work for it, continue to indulge in my moments of hateration or greed and overanalysis and desire and be cool with it, forgive myself, think of ways to rise just a little tiny bit higher each time.
this is the line of thinking that occurs when you drive up a mountain in colorado
for one second send me a little love and the wish that i go openly into hard internal work. love yall – amb