So much has been happening in my life, i feel the force of life as an active thing happening to me, i am being lifed, life is lifing me.
I remember some time ago being told about Saturn Returns and both hearing it but also laughing it off a bit…if you have a good perspective on life, you see the positive and the good. But then the list of ways life is challenging my perspective have me thrown for a loop. Some of them are full losses, much of it is just the full frontal approach of fear, of very scary things happening and going through the traumatic experience of it before a resolution comes along, and the resolution is always life, that I am alive, and what happens to me as I am alive is all learning, and can I just hold onto that.
I could begin the list anywhere, I’ve stopped expecting it to reach an end, its just amazing to experience such objective pain, see the pile-up of pain happen in the lives of people I love, and understand that to be part of the aging process.
I’m rereading Parable of the Talents and all of the stories lead back to Change is God, not a person, not a spirit, but actually the force of change itself. The idea is to respect it, shape it, but not resist it, and not try to necessarily understand it. I don’t resist any religion, all these paths towards some fundamental truths, but that explanation is really the only thought process I can apply to this period of life and find respite.
Without the capacity to be more specific, not wanting to divulge the details of my pain as I have in the past because the deeper the pain the less comforting the storytelling becomes, I do feel the need to write somewhere, publicly, that life is so much harder than I knew.