Monthly Archive for August, 2009

if you happen to be The One…

last week i wrote about surviving apocalypse. it opened up some wonderful conversations with secret doomsday people, and something that has emerged for me is that there’s a specific arena of surviving apocalypse which deserves its own focus: what to do if you happen to be The One.

that is to say, if you happen to be either the sole surviving human in the universe OR the one gifted with the skills and spirit to save all of humanity…if that’s you? there are some clear guidelines to follow, which we can gather from science fiction movies. again please consider this as part of a growing field of data.

top ten things to know if you happen to be The One:

1. self-doubt is not useful at a moment of singularity. in the time it takes you to ask “why me?”, you could be gathering useful information like…can i fly? what star date is it?

2. it’s not unusual that the person sent to tell you that you are The One looks like someone you don’t want to talk to, follow, or be alone with. specifically, they might look like someone being reckless with leather. eek. still, your life will improve if you start to approach everyone like they could be the one who knows you are The One.

3a. if you’re The One, you have always been The One, so it’s totally fine to take a moment and think, “Nyah!” at all the people who ever doubted you. I mean, they either don’t exist anymore OR are completely dependent on you for their futures. so say it with me: Nyah!

3b. that said, be good to your loved ones now. One-ing is not a group sport, and the good memories will get you through the hard times.

4. you need a wardrobe. the best look for The One is some black carhartt pants, and a few layers of long john shirts in various shades of gray, brown and dirty torn white. if you are a female then you might need a really (really) tight tank top or a leotard instead (same color scheme). and black steel toe boots.

5. you definitely want to identify a sidekick. a gayle to your intergalactic oprah, as it were [note: i am absolutely implying that i think The One is a black female, however i have thought about it, and i don’t think it’s oprah]. ideally, someone who has acquired a bunch of useful skills (READ: military-type skills, not excel or management skills) and then developed a drinking problem or indulged in their inner rebel without a cause. now, they might even have more skills than you! but :) they aren’t The One. the obvious exception to this is a robot or alien sidekick, with whom you will be able to communicate just fine.

6. there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that humans are the most evolved beings in the universe. and yet, regardless of any inequality in weapons, ancientness, time-space continuum understanding, numbers of soldiers, or IQ: Your Oneness Trumps All Of That. another Nyah! moment.

7. lower your expectations. you may think of food as something yummy or tasty. start to think of it as fuel! pizza is not fuel. cheetos? even the super hottt and spicy ones? not fuel. the list of ‘not fuel’ includes most of the food you probably eat now, so enjoy it while you can, cause when you are The One: gruel is fuel! gruel is like mushy colorless oatmealish stuff. you’ll hardly notice, you’ll be thinking of more important stuff.

8. your logical instinct might be to try and rebuild society, start a farm or garden, and find a humanoid-like being to procreate with and give the whole humanity thing another go. fat chance! being The One means all intergalactic battle, all the time. you are consigned to a life of responding to major disasters where you are risking Everything and children will only compromise your decision making. probably for the best anyway…imagine trying to live up to having a parent that’s The One.

9. true love is generally the only way to save the world or realize your full potential, so as soon as you learn you are The One, be on the lookout for someone who will love you cosmically while never questioning their inherent inferiority. when it seems like all is lost, that love will save you. if times are really rough, your sidekick might have to pinch hit as your true love, so choose your sidekick with an eye towards the future.

10. your Oneness will not be apparent until the right time, no matter how much you wish for it, role play, watch the Matrix or secretly know. until then you can only be what many non-One people call a geek, dork, nerd, loser, loner or weirdo. so if you are currently a total loser with no chance of happiness in this life? don’t be deterred. it’s totally possible that you are the MVP of all humanity :) yay!

surprise!

the best moments of a surprise party are the couple of moments just before the guest of honor arrives, when everyone is clustered and whispering and every sound might be them, and then if you have done it right and the person really doesn’t know, and then you get them, and see that look on their faces – blush and shock. those are good moments.