dear adrienne: long-distance

i often get little requests for advice. i often give answers.

Question from a friend: Do you have any advice for managing long distance relationships? The desire to be together versus the need to maintain boundaries? My sweetie is an introvert and is feeling overwhelmed, while I feel that we only have these few days and want to make the most of our time together. It’s leading to some hurt and confused feelings. Help!

Answer:

first, i am sending love to your heart where its feeling a little hurt and confused.

pacing is really important in the long distance scenario – it can feel like you are falling really fast into seriousness because of the long calls and intense visits, but you still get to choose together how your particular entanglement goes. stayed tuned in and honest about what feels right. it might help to exchange some stories about paces of relationship and love that have worked for you in the past as a starting point.

the other thing is to watch for scarcity. this has been my achilles heel for a long time, feeling like i need to rush a great thing because i only have a tiny amount of time (3 days for deep conversations and staring at each other and sex and dates and meeting friends and and and)…unsurprisingly this rarely works for deepening the connection. invite abundance in.

if you feel scarcity or fast pace creeping in, breathe in and out really deeply. remember that you are all you need, you have all you need.

ideally she is a partner to you in loving yourself, rather than a receptacle for your love. no matter what, you get to feel your love. its just whether she has capacity to partner in it.

and have curiosity: what does overwhelm feel like for her, what contributes to it, how can you set the right boundaries for her personality to benefit most from yours?

most of all, enjoy :-)

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