yesterday i started the sugar detox again.

i did the sugar detox in february, and i loved it. i came off it on a glowy high of self-love and new flexibility, tummy joy, personal power, less allergies, feeling great. i was sure it would just magically last forever, the aversion to sweet things, the enhanced palate, the haughty upturned nose at bread.

i forgot that i had 35 years of sugar loving practice in my body, and live in a sugar addled nation.

at first a banana was a glorious sweet gift. but then i tasted sweetened chocolate again. a crepe. with goat cheese. white wine. a piece of french bread with butter.

then a cookie.

sweet baby deity of destruction do y’all know how good fresh warm dark chocolate sea salt cookies are?

and then april happened. apparently it was astrologically predetermined to be a monster of a transformational month. stars, i bow to you once again. every time i try to scoff at the cosmic crosses and retrogrades, which is RARELY, i feel like the whole universe laughs at me. and then sends some intergalactic beygency my way. it was a stunning, full, emotional and decadent month, crowned with my sister’s wedding.

when i realized what was happening, i tried to adjust. back, back to no bread! eat more vegetables now! double water intake! walk! no chocolate!!! but it’s like overcorrecting a car spinning on ice; i ended up safe and shaken in an embankment of pizza.

i want to note that all along my body was like ‘nooooo!!’ i rejected food, cramped, spasmed, developed new severe pains – communicating all along very clearly that we are not here for this. that was deep, because it meant that the comfort i was seeking in sugar was being justified by my mind and mouth, at odds with all painful evidence that i was hurting myself with these choices.

so i am coming humbly back to the exact list of foods on rose cole’s list. last time i didn’t really tune in to the lentil and quinoa options, or the ghee. i did my shopping yesterday (plenty of seasonal vegetables, eggs, frozen and smoked wild atlantic salmon, farm raised chicken and beef, ghee, olives, peppers, fresh ground peanut butter) and have already made dal, garlic hummus, and a frittata. everything tastes awesome, i am drinking tons of water, walking and dancing daily, and feeling committed.

a humorous aside/vent: just like last time, my moon came on the second morning of the cleanse. for those of you who have experienced one period, or roughly 264 (especially those among you who, like myself, are perpetually surprised to find yourself bleeding each month and/or aren’t interested in birthing other people), you may know the screw face i had upon discovering this coincidence. for those who have never reveled in this cursed blessing, i can’t put into words how much i want dark chocolate ice cream with some kind of other more firm chocolate and nuts inside it today. i just can’t. but it’s a lot.

the difference between the last cleanse and this one is vision. last time i was sitting in wonder at how much the absence of sugar changed my body and my mood. i was in the gathering proof phase of an experiment. this time, i have the proof in my body. the more sugar i have eaten, the less energy i’ve had, the more pain and stomach sadness, the less feeling of being a gorgeous divine creature alive in a beautiful world (my aspirational default!).

my vision with this is a lifestyle shift. a liberation.

i know for sure that not having sugar in my life just works better for my body. so i am going to get 21 days under my belt, then shift to having fruit be my only sweet thing through my birthday in september.

it feels just as important, if not more so, to share that i am returning to the cleanse. yesterday a friend reminded me that people often quit smoking several times, and sugar is much more socially accepted a habit. i want and need the support in this change, and i want to be honest about the process for those in it with me. coevolution through friendship 🙂

send love!

p.s. getting me through it is my ‘falsetto season’ playlist on spotify. shy girls, sam smith, moses sumney and more.