technology means i can get an instant notice on an app that my mri results are in.
and i can wade through the foreign language of Medicine enough to feel daunted. vindicated.
i knew something was bad wrong inside my left knee, the knee of my heart. i have aligned all my ways of knowing, these pictures are confirmation more than revelation.
there are a few words i understand – there is a tear at the root, and there is a difference in the meniscus i was born with. it’s always been different, perhaps always leading towards this moment of dysfunction.
it’s humbling to mostly not understand what i am reading, these big english words, all of which i want to use in scrabble, and otherwise want nothing to do with.
the data that something is torn and there’s a reason for my pain that can show up on a magnetized picture is also a relief. my pain is rarely so clear.
my knee is changing my outlook on life…
my heart has changed
chambers open inside chambers and i feel infinite
i need my whole self
i need my boundaries
i need my life’s work
i need my tenderness
the more i explore myself with eyes of love the more vastness i can comprehend
heart opening is a part of any other healing that my body needs
the knee bone is connected to the heart
no matter what the doctor says – she only thinks of me for fifteen minutes at a time
this sacred body is becoming my obsession
my damaged always-full moon
coming out of the dark
i have been a witch
now again now turning inwards
anyanwu, flesh on my tongue
learning to heal
with imagination and marrow and attention
i just needed a destination for this black magic
we know to find the joy at the torn root
we know to dance with fingers pointing north
we know our bodies are our inheritance
we turn our prayers