if you can’t see the small…

look here. here.

if you can’t see the small
you will keep leaping from built thing
to built thing
begging the sky to rain only on you
you’ll become a tyrant,
reaching, shuffling the cards until you see only your own vision
massive
but no one else can see it

if you can’t see the small
you miss the whole miracle
it is all moments nearly missed, private,
impossible to perform, or
perfectly acted, context and all
moments of faith hit the surface and change it
shivering us open
to love
to our ridiculous longings

if you can’t see the small
you may never feel true love
it comes with the slimmest shadow of warning
whisperclacking spider toes up your spine
to love is to truly lose
the only thing you can ever truly have
and never buy
for love, true, the whole surrender kind
starts with a gasp

if you can’t see the small
you may never know pleasure
which is not about the immersion into eternal bliss, no
it’s the printed pad of your finger
grazing along my shoulder
as you realize you need to feel me
it is inside, where the sun, wind, rain and earth
have never touched you
but i have

if you can’t see the small
you won’t know what the dirt is screaming
one grief at a time
that the whales are singing
warning songs
that there is a shudder in all of life now
a premonition:
change everything
for everything is changing

found in my notebook after somatics + trauma advanced

“if you are not well, you can be healed thru stories.” nazbah tom

“are you satisfiable?” staci haines

“some bodies get taught that it’s a possibility to be held. some are taught that it’s impossible.” prentis hemphill

“we hold the weight of love together.” yaya raiz’s kid

“leadership is mostly about the unknown.” prentis hemphill

“don’t be distracted by my power, center in yours!” adaku utah

how much of ‘specialness’ is rooted in overcoming obstacles?
how much is rooted in being nurtured, being loved?
and how much is privilege?

i am not for anyone’s consumption.

i open so that my trauma can find the exit.

my mind says everything is at stake.
my body says that pleasure is at stake, and my people.
i ask my heart/spirit: is our relationship to god/the holy/divine/creator/home at stake?
what i hear, in the register below sound, is that everything is unfolding in divine order.
and, trust.
and, there is enough. we cause harm when we don’t trust that.
and, we are slowly learning that.

most power is rooted in the traumatic taking, holding and wielding of power. if we attain power without healing, we recreate the toxic patterns we currently rebel against. over and over. healing is the only way we can build the collective practice of generating and holding power together.

power blows out the fragile parts of our systems, individually and in our movement structures. healing allows us to actually hold power in ourselves and in our collective spaces.

new thoughts!

and under all of that, i felt a lot in my legs. that’s new!

birthday reflections

nothing is permanent
real love never ends

“there are black people in the future”
and i am conjuring those futures, daily, in community

for a long time people laughed at my visions
that’s OK, my visions include laughter

i wouldn’t wish my trauma on anyone
healing from trauma, feeling peace and even joy in my life, is the greatest achievement of my life

i have accomplished most of my dreams
i am tired…time to dream again

i am not between people when i’m alone
i’m not property when i am loved

i love quiet, private, internal moments.
i then love to share them with thousands of people and find the pattern of flagrant introverts and shy extroverts who are my people

i am terrified of what the future holds
looking in babies’ eyes makes me feel at peace with the future

life is not happening to me…it is the cumulative result of my choices
still, some things are out of my control

you can’t save people
you can point towards safety, grab their hands, and run with them through the landmines

kissing is the best
orgasms are the best
love is the best

my life is full of purpose, love, and nibblings who send me birthday wishes that keep me crying with gratitude all day

thank you ancestors for insisting that i listen to a force older and truer than any thing i could think up

thank you to everyone who interacts with me as a human, who sees that i am not a product, pawn, carpet, or magic bullet.

thank you to each person who loves me as i am right now today.

thank you to the babies who look in my eyes and affirm my existence.

thank you to the people who resonate with my ahas, you make me feel less alone in my awe and longing.

thank you to the unwritten books patiently awaiting my attention – i am coming.

thank you to the great mystery who says there is even more coming to me, more blessing, more loving. i accept. i will rest up and wait.

student self

this week i get to be a student again. it’s always part of what’s happening, i am always learning. there are teachers everywhere…and then there are those moments when you explicitly get to sit in a room and say ‘i don’t know’, or, ‘i can’t hold this’. in this room, i get to not know, to ask, to furiously scribble down things my teachers say, to let go of time, to trust the container to hold us, to even hold me.

i don’t know how to expand time the way i want.

i don’t know how to love without obsessing over future grief.

i don’t know if i can be any less selfish and complete my mission.

does everyone think of themselves as a microcosm of the planet?

is it a privilege to feel? is it the most universal human experience to feel? both at the same time?

what is enough?

what do we deserve? why does the creator give us so much more than that?

why is it so easy to see the miraculous in others, and so hard to see it in myself? thank goddess i can feel more than i’ll ever see.

this week it’s my birthday and i gave myself the gift of returning to my student self. i feel happy and loved and connected and abundant and there’s nothing i need that isn’t in reach, and i can still learn so much more.