a word for white people, in two parts

part one: what a time to be alive.

right now we are in a fast river together – every day there are changes that seemed unimaginable until they occurred.

if you are a white person (or a man) this is a time of intentionally relinquishing power, or having it pulled out from under you. i know it seems fast and everywhere, but it’s actually not a rapids, not a waterfall, not a tsunami. most people who aren’t white have in our lineages or lived experiences the whiplash of much more drastic changes, placed upon us by your ancestors. being snatched from home and shipped into slavery, weighed and measured, worked to death, lynched daily by authorities, reminded that our lives are expendable at any moment (and yes this is true even right now, hence #blacklivesmatter and #defundthepolice).

or being displaced from the land we were given instructions to love and care for, then raped, killed or reprogrammed.

or being burnt up by new weapons your ancestors created to speed colonization or domination. being cast as the savages or terrorists in their worldview in a way that stuck to us even outside the stage of their minds; stuck in your minds such that it’s nearly impossible for you to even see it without cultural ice buckets poured on the delusion.

your ancestors did not fight fair, and they didn’t teach you to be in right relationship with anyone. they didn’t give our ancestors time to wonder, ask for help, course correct, negotiate. this is why some say you should be grateful we seek justice, equality, and our humanity, versus revenge. because right now, after years of physical, intellectual and cultural warfare on peoples who were different from white, you have an opportunity to leap forward, dive into this river of change, rather than be deluged and drowned in it.

the time for denial is over. you were not raised in a secret mountaintop retreat disconnected from the world, you haven’t existed with no contact for over 400 years…so we know you see and know what is going on. and you’re scared, saddened, defensive, guilty, and unsure of who to be if you aren’t the default superior. so you make choices towards or away from or against your own highest self.

when you say ‘but don’t all lives matter?’ we hear ‘i refuse to acknowledge the harm i have caused you by benefiting from false constructs of supremacy. i cannot prioritize your pain over my privilege.’

when you say ‘ok ok so teach me’, we hear, ‘my time and needs continue to be more important than yours. i refuse to google and read, i demand your labor.’

when you say ‘but what do i do?’ it sounds like procrastination, because we have told you a million things. here.

here are ways i recommend for diving into this river:

learn to say, and mean, ‘i am sorry for the impact of my white supremacy.’ don’t post it on the internet, say it from your heart and gut directly to people you’ve impacted, especially in situations when you were/are in positions of leadership or authority. and then – and this is important – shift your behavior so you never need to give that apology again. riffing off fellow nerd albert einstein, practicing white supremacy and expecting a different outcome than race war is one definition of collective insanity. i don’t want the apology without the shifts in behavior, policy and access to power, without the end of the monsoon of constant harm.

commit to doing your own work without seeking accolades. yes, some people of color will be welcoming, will even celebrate what you do – i am sometimes moved to tears when i hear how acts-of-white-people-being-kind-to-black-people touch my black southern father, who just never thought he would see that. and/but many people of color won’t clap because the point of this moment is decentering whiteness in the story of humanity. that means not centering white course correction with the attention we give a baby’s first steps. we won’t patronize you for rejoining a collective path…and that should be good news.

don’t revert to supremacy under pressure. it breaks trust. if you are told you are practicing white supremacy, consider that we see and feel things you do not because they’re weaponized against us, weighted against us, scarring us, limiting us. we aren’t generalizing or reducing you, we are protecting our vulnerable lives.

redistribute resources. not as charity, which is just another way to assuage the conscience of privilege. redistribute money, leadership positions, decision-making power, land, time in meetings, visionary space, relationships with philanthropy, speaking opportunities, press attention, health care benefits – if you can measure it, you can redistribute the resource.

i am taking the time to write to you because i am a mixed race black woman. i am connected to the same lineages of harm as you, even as i am harmed by them. i am in intimate familial relationship with white people, and i want those relationships to be honest and accountable. i benefit from how the artifacts of whiteness in my skin, cadence, and cultural shaping make me more visible and comprehensible to you, more human to you.

it’s a devastating weight to carry, to work to be fully myself, humble and brilliant and messy and great, against a delusion of white supremacy so pervasive and invasive that it can grow within each of us without invitation. but just because something alive violates us does not mean we asked for it, does not mean we partner with it, believe it, or even let it live.

i in my wholeness am working to hold the contradictions of white supremacy responsibly, to weed my own garden even as i demand and build my and our black power. we all have our work, and none of us can do anyone else’s.


part two: a variation on paying attention to white people

in the spirit of ‘what you pay attention to grows’, i want to bring more attention to the white people who are in my life, none by accident, none tolerated, each beloved and cultivated. not everyone has an experience of white people who love, learn with, and follow them. i want to practice, in this moment, attending to them as much as or more than we attend to the swarm of karens and beckys and donalds and other haters.

i do not believe whiteness will just disappear in shame, or that white people committed to race and other offenses to science and god will self-segregate in a way that leaves the rest of us and the planet safe. so i must believe that something else can emerge, is emerging, even if it is still small and rare. and my belief is met by the presence, felt much more than spoken, of white people who are blessings, peers, beloveds, comrades, self-responsible humans.

i am blessed by my mother. she gave up everything she’d been raised in, family and resources, when she realized she was in love with my father. she began unlearning racism without training, decolonization curricula, language monitors. she began her unlearning in relationship, both as wife and as mother. she was the one who came storming into classrooms challenging our racist teachers. she has taken our sides and has our backs and asserts our brilliance at every turn. she doesn’t claim to get it right, she keeps leaning in and learning with love. she makes me consider that something can shift deep within when you birth a black child, or three. i am not interested in denying that, ridiculing that, making it smaller than what it is.

i am blessed by those in my southern white family who reach out to let me know they love me and listen hungrily to suggestions for what they can do to be in solidarity, to raise their kids to see beyond the racism they’re all raised to swim in. they do help to offset the pain of knowing there are white people related to me by blood who watched me be a black child and then chose to vote for the klan’s favorite president, frump.

i am blessed by the anti-racist white people in my inner friend circle. instead of perfection, these friends are committed to practice, to asking questions and really listening to the answers, to doing their own work and not putting it on me, to releasing rigid control and seeing that that there are many ways to be productive and efficient, to growing ease in taking leadership from black people, from people of color. and then diving in deep with other white people. and decentering themselves in their fields. and fucking up, and then letting it grow them rather than make them performative or bitter. they do most of their race work elsewhere, and yet it is palpable to me without feeling like guilt, charity, pity or other power-over emotions.

i have had a white partner in the past, and though i revel and thrive in black love now, when i look at movement i actually see a huge number of leaders with white partners, white family, white community. sometimes claimed, sometimes quietly kept off screen. i think we need to bring more attention to why those people get to be in our lives, why any white person gets the privilege of being in intimate space with those who have experienced enough ancestral harm from white people to stay away forever. attend not in a carrot/stick way, not denying your humanity, not cheerleading what you are already just supposed to do, but simply to acknowledge that it is work.

it isn’t a shift at the level of slogan, political correctness or press release, though those cultural quakes do soften the soil for new organic infrastructures of antiracist life to take root. it is deeply personal work to relinquish white supremacy, and it helps me if i think of the white people in my life not as exceptional, but just a few steps ahead in their work.

think of those confederate statues coming down. all my roots are southern…those statues seemed like they’d always been there and always would be. and then slowly the realization that they were celebrating the worst of humanity, the plantation hitlers, that that’s what white supremacy is really about. now it feels inevitable that we are pulling down the symbols, while inside everyone’s minds we are pulling down the ideas of racial supremacy.

but then there’s the gap, the statue’s empty base, the place where that idea once seemed right but now there’s just the wound, the world shaped around the absence of a clear way of being. i just purchased the bust of a black man, head full of amethyst, from damon davis; and last year i visited the lynching museum, full of statues to honor the murdered. both of these works are perfect and i wish they were everywhere, so i am tempted to make a case for replacing the statues with black heroes and martyrs. but i can also see the case for no replacement statues, in our town squares or our minds. we live in a beautiful interconnected world that needs our attention. maybe if we drop the performance of celebrating difference, we can make it possible to actually survive difference.

it must be possible. we must make it possible, or else we will always be in a position of demand, or counter policing, or rage. i want us to use this current justified rage to shape demands that take the labor and danger off of us. so that our grandchildren don’t have to live such taut, hurt and angry lives.

at the same time i want us to contend for power, and notice who truly invites that power. that is the common trait of every white person, every person, i allow into my life in a meaningful way: there is a mutual invitation. both of us in our power and truest selves are invited into every space.

so for the white people walking this path with me, thank y’all for keeping me faithful when a mass perspective on whiteness still feels pretty hopeless. thank you for being willing to be visible, or not. thank you for not waiting for praise as you unlearn the supremacy you were programmed to practice, and for not reacting personally to the righteous rage and shifting boundaries required to move through this collective transition. thank you for offering support instead of demanding more labor.

mary hooks has articulated a mandate for black people in this time – to avenge the suffering of our ancestors, earn the respect of future generations, and be willing to be transformed in the service of the work. the white people in my life must align with that mandate – put your lifetime in service of undoing the work of your ancestors, earning the respect of future generations, and being willing to be transformed in the service of the work.

Author: Adrienne

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your uprising against the forces of darkness has got to do more than say "no." A fierce, primal yes should be at the heart of your crusade. (rob brezny, long ago)

34 thoughts on “a word for white people, in two parts”

  1. Thank you – I always see my self more clearly when I take in your words.

  2. i have been thinking about this a lot. thank you so much for your powerful words. is it ok if i translate it into spanish? i am from peru and i have a lot of friends who should be reading this.

  3. Adrienne,

    I am a white man married to a beautiful black women in her full power! We have 4 multi colored children! Thank you for your thoughtful, authentic, raw and powerful writing. I am one of the privileged white people out to undue the absolutely unthinkable harm we perpetrated on black people, all justified by some ridiculous white superiority nonsense!

    With love,
    Bob Messenger

  4. I wonder if a white person says, I do not see his or her color, just who they are. Does this diminish that they may have had to work harder, longer or fought unknown battles to become the person I see. I believe (feel) that the people I know and love who are black/brown, had an advantage of being taught or learning to value themselves in youth. This blessing has helped them to mesh with the majority white world. Though actually it is not a majority white world at all. What you have written here is a call for an awakening an increased understanding for me in my 79th year. My beloved daughter in law and my biracial grandchildren, my friends through the years of work and leisure are part of who I am because I know and love them. I see them.
    When you speak of the struggles of the victims of racism I am forced to feel a heaviness. Yet I realize the weight I feel is minimized because it is not my reality. I don’t see that weight in the dark eyes of my friends and family. My belief structure seems to state it will be found in those who struggle, who are held back, who are limited by the opinions of others who may dominate them. Will be seen and found in those who did not feel their own value enough to thrive. However this is not reality for the many who lived disadvantaged lives, yet loved and raised children against all odds to be strong in heart and mind and love.

  5. Thank you Adrienne. So much love and light, so much thought and considered words of wisdom. We need your voice, your brain, your ability to process and your willingness to be vulnerable — what a gift you are.
    Diana Panara, New Orleans

  6. Beautiful and powerful words. This really made me think about all my relationships with my family members (I’m a white girl, but my dad and my sister are black and half of my cousins and aunts and uncles are too).
    I’m from Brazil and, even though there is a lot of land separating us from the United States, our situation is unfortunately as bad as the USA, and this essay feels like it could’ve been written by someone from here…which speaks volumes about how badly black people have been treated in the entire world.

  7. I am so very grateful to have read this. The world is blessed by these words, by the Life and Spirit and Body of the one who birthed and shared them.

  8. I am an old white guy. I’ve had a life of privilege. Learning to be anti-racist is a long journey. As the Chinese proverb says, the longest journey begins with a single step. This reply is my first step.

  9. Wonderful post, cogently stated and lucidly written. The type of blog I’ll re-read several times.

    Back in college, I read a interesting quote that stated America is the only country to move from barbarism to decadence, skipping civilization altogether. This observation stuck with me for a long time.

    A few weeks ago, I felt compelled to blog on racism by exploring the roots of American malaise. Basically I argue that the origin story of America comes down to its choice of liberty over security, and that led to a sociopathic culture that valued liberty over everything else.


  10. Thank you for this. This is moving and real and a call to action. Thank you for opening my eyes.

    Love from Cliona a white person

  11. Thank you for your inspiring and inspiriting words….vision and action.

  12. I say YES. Yes to taking an active stand against racism, starting in my own home. Yes, to being part of the solution or I, a white woman with privilege, am only part of the problem. Yes, to support my daughter’s as young white women who see the world as place of beauty and activism where peace wins over war, lightness over the dark, and that they too, have significant privilege, that they must say yes to using in order to bring more equity to the disparities that exist. We have always felt that our biases were conscious conversations that we were willing to have and fight for, in order to break our own biases, even though we are open, loving, caring, and welcoming people in our home and throughout our community. Still, we have inherent biases. The more we say yes to talking, taking action and encouraging others to join us, with bravery and also, by stepping down and stepping back so that women of color may step forward, the more equality will ensure that my grandchildren someday and their children and so on…will live inside the most colorful place of mind and thoughts, body and soul. Thank you for opening my eyes further with your beautiful work and words.

  13. Thank you! I just translated it into Spanish and will share it. Let me know if you want a copy of the translation. This is such an important text – like so many of yours! – and it helped me understand it much better while translating it into my own language. I hope it can reach others too. Take care

  14. “put your lifetime in service of undoing the work of your ancestors, earning the respect of future generations, and being willing to be transformed in the service of the work.” love this

    Thank you

  15. Your way of visioning and sharing always stirs something deep in me. I plan on sharing this writing with an “Anti-Racist Fiddler Group” that I am a part of.
    I am internally working with how to give up more resources- not just my money to causes, but also my time and attention. As you say, what you give your attention to grows. I give a lot of that time and attention to my family and nature. And though I feel I’m still learning how to give “better” attention, I want also to share this time and attention. It feels like my resource. I also live on the resource of land which I am in the process of figuring out how to share more.
    Bowing deeply to you

  16. so clear, articulate and filled with a wealth of resources. i feel honored to have you share. thank you.

  17. Dear Adrienne,

    You are a brilliant writer. Your words went deep . I hope I will ask the right questions. I will listen hard to your answers.

    I look forward to reading more of your writing.


  18. I am a white woman of 69. Thank you. Thank you , thank you thank you! Your words- I want everyone to hear them and I want to read this til I know the words by heart and I become more aware of all the changes I need to make and help with the ones society is starving for. We don’t deserve forgiveness, but I ask for it.

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