Monthly Archive for June, 2005

report from hippy heaven

oh canada

a deer walked me home last night. i sang to it. i was walking home from my third naked hot-tubbing session of the day, which is how many i’ve done every day for a week…and with a bit of bc bud in hand. there are mountains everywhere and trees that have been here 400, 500 years – ferns taller than me. my room opens up to the mountains and ocean, where there are phosphorescents you swim through and its like swimming in light. um – massages and yoga and meditation and singing every day. yeah. um. i don’t remember the causes of my stress? life is much better when the earth you’re on is healthy, its magical. snapshot – adrienne GONE HIPPY and she likes it :)

early morning thoughts

so i got up at 7am cause of the whole west/east coast thing (no beef with l.a. cuz, holla). and i have all these thoughts. its amazing what happens as soon as life gives you a moment to think. and remember. so this is the longest blog entry ever cause its like days of it…

i am about to go into one of the most healing spaces in the world with all my little recent chinks and cracks and punctures and great chasms. not with the intention of coming out in 10 days perfected, but just to learn. so i woke up this morning all thoughts and will post as many as i can before the cab comes:

- my blog is not going in the direction of funny at all. why god, why?
- thank god i link to chelsea from my blog.
- i wonder why when i travel, i do a different accent in each place, just like i did when i was 5 with my sisters. in the past week i’ve had west african french, midwestern, grew-up-in-england, uppity wealthy white girl (special ordered for my first class trip when delta had to upgrade me after messing up my whole flight plan. i said what i would normally say, like – that’s really greedy of you; or does that make you feel kind of shallow? or i bet that cost a lot; or – you broke off you engagement cause he gambles?? – but matching her voice, so she just went with it. too much fun)
- its always important to remember who you are in the great myths of pooh, i’ve been going through an eeyore stage, but am leaning towards something tiggerish
- i like airplane entrees. sofia thinks this might be trying to fulfill some dream of living in space.
- its time to get healthy. i want to join the coop but everyone i know who has joined is on suspension and shopping elsewhere. c’est une conundrum!
- having consciously chosen not to take my life, i celebrate that i stayed long enough to love him , even with the pain.
- i had a long talk with this man who was told early in life he had a hereditary terminal possibility afloat in him, and he said he had decided to make his life so compelling and worthwhile, and make himself so cellularly desirable – and that was his treatment. and he’s well to this day.
- memory: last night i opened my plane window to catch the last light after our long chase of the sun to the west – and it was the most grandiose purple vision i’ve had in years. it lasted all of one moment, but it was as far as you could see the top of purple clouds all crested with gold and then seeming to emanate violet and lavender and throbbing purple from within.
- i need to invest in a camera.
- that guy in montreal who saw me hitting my computer and came and fixed it on the spot so i’d have my music these next two weeks might not have been real. he might have been a tech angel. he was so sweet and floaty. i heart you chris from london, angel or not!
- i should post to the blog more often under different influences. mom, i did not wake and bake in canada before writing this!
- i need to live by a better ocean.

and then sofia said to me: there are loves that keep you going, and those that wake you up.

so since i will be gone for a while from here, i am going to post poems!! so corny but so what. it’s my blog, i’ll emote if i want to!

1. (actually a song u may someday hear)

my love is this black lake
contained but always moving
many paths slit through his surface
and i’m diving, diving
searching for his heart

my love is this black lake
they build boats to rush along
from one edge to the other and say
they know him
i make no claims, though half-drowned

my love is this black lake
he can reflect a good day’s blues
or a hot day’s golden end
but when the night comes he spins his own light
rests his own life

my love is this black lake
it is i who go
but when i return he’s never the same
i laugh, but god walks long this man sustained
my love, he is this black lake

and 2. bonnie said

its that bonnie and clyde
love story of hours
tell the papers
i was his when he found me
picked me up out of lonely
i’d made it

he would only give me a little
but it filled a shallow cup
then overflowed into boundlessness

some things can’t be explained
so here we are stealing a good thing
the bullets are all around
any day now

you can’t touch me right
such a charmer of dust
i could have anything
but i follow your hope cause i cannot comprehend it
cause i can never see you comin
and all of our time feels
just caught

you already know what you can’t give
what a dark promise you are
i don’t have to say it
i’m not stupid now – i know what isn’t coming

but i know what we get
i’ll take as much as i can stand
one last look, its a simple moment
maybe the happiest either of us can remember being
say what you want

i’m your girl
and i’m not scared to make a run for it

-

and i am still not telling his name. what does that mean? if its really over and done with what does it matter…why not tell it in the first place. such a bizarre occurrence, to be the only known character in the love story that moves me so much i have to tell everyone.


AND THEN i have been listening to Nina and so these words are in my head:

Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard to love a girl like me
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free
I just wanted you to know
I’ve loved you better than your own kin did
From the very start it’s my own fault
What happens to my heart
You see I’ve always known you’d go

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean that I’ll never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can

Now I know it’ll make you feel sad
And make you feel so bad
They say you don’t treat me me like you should
They got ways to make you feel no good
I guess they got no way to know
I’ve had my eyes wide open from the start
And man you never lied to me
The part of you that they’ll never see
Is the part you’ve shown to me

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean that I’ll never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can

and then, i’ve been meaning to blog about this thought inspired by my friend jennifer nikki kidwell. why is it that people have no problem letting you run your hand through their hair and THEN saying, i think i need to wash my hair. THAT IS WRONG.

-

however jenn, all is forgiven because of that amazing night of dancing you gave me the other night with jessica and shane. was that all four of us singing erykah’s call tyrone, janet’s would you mind, and george michael’s teacher (So if you love me, say you love me, But if you dont just let me go)?! Fabulous. Work it, work it.

-

And I think this is the last thought – it is such a joy when people reappear in your life at the right time. I’d like to shout out Shane Jones and Andre Banks for recent perfectly timed reappearances. You are both three snaps to a Western wind and I love you. Also my kissing boy, was nice to See you again.

BELATED HAPPY JUNETEENTH – WE’SE FREE!!!

why i cut my hair?

why i cut my hair according to the answers i gave today:

-cause its more fun to touch this way
-cause i’ve been dreaming of a faux hawk
-cause ilana and shannon in ohio both had these fabulous short cuts i wanted to run my hands thru
-cause thats what any good woman delirious with heartbreak and gettin all fabulous must do
-cause its summer
-cause my landlady said i can stay till the end of august which means i have at least one more official summer in ft. green and i thus need to be much more stylish and ft. greenish than i have been heretofore.
-cause i’m tired of lookin all soft, i want to look all fierce
-cause it gives me this amazing buzz to do something insane and dramatic and i can’t afford the hot new tattoos or piercings i want
-cause it cuts down costs on all hair products and time it takes to do hair

in other news – had a good weekend in ohio with the allied media folks. one major conclusion:we might be working towards 2010, we need to not think of ourselves as the endkeepers, we need to hone, hone, deepen, hone. people are doing amazing work, check out: www.breakthrough.tv, http://www.chicagohousingauthority.net/, this program Detroit Summer and Ilana/Invincible’s brilliant lyrics, Yo! the Movement out of the Twin Cities, Gavin’s hip-hop program Elements in Cincinnati. Good people doing big things.

then i came home where I’d left rotting lemons in the room with the AC off – EW! Too stinky to sleep so I watched SAVED, which y’all must rent immediately.  yeah jesus!

and we just hired some brilliant new folks at the league who are being oriented and thats hopeful cause they are all far more better than me at all of this stuff and will bring the level of our organizing and educating up to the next level.

heart? un peu numb, but that’s aight. its there, it likes cheap ohio whiskey, but its giving up carbs for the summer.

tomorrow i am going to cortez island in canada – www.hollyhock.ca to learn to be a leader – www.hollyhockleadership.org :) watch out for me when i come home! canada is one of my favorite mostly white countries in the world.

refer to pics below for the hair

i cut my hair!

Adrienne2Adrienne_1

ohio

i’m in the flatlands again. the last time i was in bowling green ohio it was the night of the second presidential debates. i was supposed to cover it for alternet/wiretap, after giving a speech to a crowd that included the amazing alli star. we were in a bar watching the debates and the dear sweet friend i was traveling with experienced a devastating personal loss. we’d been on the road and were both on the far end of tired. when you stay on the road so long you feel this near constant aloneness, talking to yourself and laughing at your own jokes and thumbing through your memories so that they turn sepia in your head. its an odd place to suddenly have deeply personal challenges thrown your way, there’s no one to really catch you, you learn your own strength and ability to give. i sat up with my friend until two of her other people could get to us, drinking beers and feeling the loss. what energy i had was white hot, shit kept popping into my peripheral vision, but in front of me i just saw that we are never really old enough for grief.

coming back here makes me feel grown up and cautious. life’s been hard lately, i need a quiet wide moment but can i trust the endless skies and endless fields here. the worst concentrated racism in the country is harbored in pockets of this state. but i’m here with some of the most brilliant media minds in the country, talking about how we frame and blast next level thinking and comunity building at the allied media conference (www.alliedmediaconference.com). go check it out and wish you were here – big ups to joshua brietbart, jason, mike and shannon who all helped with my bein here. i’m going to keep an open mind.

today i had a nice talk with my landlady. she still won’t let me stay though, so the evil is still present. i am trying to let life flow over me and wash me clean of all feelings of ownership on this earth. to that end i am rereading the hitchhikers guide to the universe!

i go and read chelsea’s blog and feel remarkably unfunny but i don’t care, my life is not funny right now. i and everyone i know are going through a series of slow small tragedies of the heart and home and the only state in which i can laugh these days is one of such inebriation that i can’t write you all. just kidding mama, i never drink to numb the pain!

off to the cornfields!

gloria g said it best

i’m surviving or i will. thank you for all the home advice and the couple of folks who said they would be down to love me forever, y’all are adorable if not the cool drink of water i’m thirsty for. but its all good. i will find a home and piece back together some  stronger heart that can love even better! all my lessons this year have been in pain, punishment, loss, frustration, not getting what i want, and each time finding i can lift myself, my hope and love and possibility above the current circumstance of life in work and personal isht.  in other news – yesterday was tupac’s birthday in case y’all ain’t notice. in other news, there’s earthquakes in california. in other news all sorts of madness and war continues. my worries are cataclysmic but contained and tiny.

oh but DO go see the malcolm x exhibit at the schomberg.

peace
adrienne

i need a home

:(
my landlady is not renewing my lease so she can make the improvements on the stuff i’ve been complaining about. i’m bitter. i love my home and hood.

help me find a home in brooklyn – studio, one bedroom? i make activist wages.

5th element

i am having a reawakened moment about the 5th element – y’all know that movie? i love that movie cause in the end its clear that the divine can take the human form but loves makes miracles and only love can save the world and in my heart of hearts i’m that cornbally cheesepuff love freak.  and i work hard, y’all, i don’t complain – i LOVE my work. however, i feel like i can’t get the truly divine output without love. hence my current tragedy is all-encompassing.

those following the lyrics know i been having love woes, i am fundamentally unloved by the one who looked in further than anyone else and said, eh – naw. i wrote how it feels to bury the idea of love, to realize that your beloved is like a dead self and it is done and you can’t move on unless you bury it or it will keep faking you out that it might come to life but really its rotting:

it hurts so overwhelmingly much and i keep crying on the train, on the street, in my office, in bathrooms, in bed, all the time i just have to stop and bend over from the waist and weep shamelessly – its a new freedom, this pain. i feel like i am grieving my man, grieving my own heart and the one in me who loves, this great loss, this face and person and magic i won’t know again. i know everyone says i will, i hear that. but i hate that truth. i don’t want to love again, love someone else, wait for it. you know?

i also have a feeling right now though of something put through a fire and come out. shapeable, so hot i could burn any bridge i need to, or anyone who touched me. its time for the most fabulous adrienne, totally reshaped by the fire. i predict that groundbreakingly stunningly brilliantly untouchable adrienne will emerge as soon as i stop weeping and wailing.

hello stranger

someone asked me if i was still updating daily and i realized its been a while. so here’s a lot of little stuff:

song of the week: faithful, common with john legend and bilal; particularly the last bridge where they go to church about being faithful, which i have recently realized might be my number one skill.

movie of the week: the original bonnie and clyde with faye dunaway and warren beatty. watch this movie and listen to testify on common’s album. nothing is easy, live boldly.  their last look in this film is worth the creation of cameras.

emotion of the week: for myself and a few of my closest – surviving with a smile, cause sometimes you have to push yourself all the way into the corner before you can see the walls. you know when it hurts so much you wince and it becomes a smile cause if someone were to ask you it hurts so much that you’d drown trying to explain it – as my girl said, can we put a moratorium on people asking how you are? like when your feelings have been discarded so thoroughly that you know to speak of them  would have the opposite effect of your emotion. when you can’t see the end of it? i keep talking to folks and we’re all there at the moment, for a variety of reasons, and we’re all gonna be ok but harder afterwards, that saddens me.

lyrics of the weak: google the lyrics to ‘ghost’ by indigo girls. one of my girls passed this along to me, i don’t even know the melody. wrenching and accurate.

hopeful thought of the week: god is real. not particular, but on a meta scale god is happening and few see it for real and most only in glimpses but something about the purity of my current darkness has allowed me to see a light. and i am reporting back, something divine is furiously alive right now, expressing its hope in lightning and thunder and rainstorms and intense heat and long nights and moments on a stoop and my dreams. i keep having these sudden moments of prayer come over me – talking to other activist types and we keep concluding that our work is god’s work, gods are who we are, fragments of god.

activist thing of the week: check out the bloc network – http://www.blocnetwork.org/

good night of the week: last night i went to the fundraiser for tchaiko omawale’s latest film project – sita, a fairytale love story with mia herndon the lovely as a fairy. lots of fabulous and lovely sparkly people – tyler askew, tchaiko, shonali, chelsea peretti fabulously drunk and elegant, ejikeme uzoigwe uzoigwe, fanon, natasha the best dresser on the planet, and johnny and b-polite from the second2last crew, nzinga, mad folks plus a fetish show! kat aaron and josh breitbart, two cutting edge media activists, were my companions for the evening and both are remarkably humble and brilliant, always good company. we stayed at the fundraiser for a while and then bounced to anna lappe’s house – i mentioned a few posts ago about her father’s passing, so it was good to see her smiling. the spot was popping with the brightest – ibrahim abdul matin, bryant terry, jee kim, gita drury, shalini kali, andrew boyd, shane and rose, tony and adriana, this chick jesse that made sure my drink hand was occupied at all times, sharif corinaldi, lots of lovelys. i drank spiced rum and the conversation was all so compelling that i was drunk before i noticed, woke up this morning with a plastic party cup by the bed and a headache. i’ve needed a night like that for a while. i slept like a drunk.  today was overflow, lots of good folks in town for the weekend, namely toki wright from the twin cities – he’s going to be on mtv soon teaching folks to flow. he rolled thru the home spot with terry from oakland and nikki from the bk, all block network folk. and then taz ahmed, who founded south asian american voting youth (saavy) last year. and my road dawg sofia, who’s mama is in town, dipped out for a brief moment of not being a daughter. they filled up the house with some nice looking-for-a-good-time energy. maybe i’ll go dancing tonite. maybe i’ll just dance right now.

peace
dre