its hard coming off the good family time, so this year my sister autumn and i decided to have a transition day in ny. got in late last night and pulled out every piece of clothing i own and went through and got rid of anything i haven’t worn in the past year. had a suitcase of stuff when i was done and an old suitcase to put it in. santana needed the suitcase so we’re doing a salvation army drop tomorrow.

autumn and i slept in a bit then met at the baths for one last sweat for 05. then we slipped through veselka, its becoming tradition, and they were kidding about the goat cheese peirogis going away. they go on my particularly scary food list in terms of the amount of deep joy they elicit in my mouth and mind.

then we took our gift certificates to target (tar je’). i got a convection oven and some jersey knit sheets. i am ready to get rid of everything bed related that isn’t jersey knit at this point. also got crest whitening strips after seeing a noticable brightening of a certain close friend’s smile.

ooh flashback: amidst a few recent birthdays i must admit i called and sang the birthday song to the heartbreaker recently. the singing was some of my best to date. and that was that.

so um…after a successful tar-je’ experience – my sister found a perfect pair of jeans and i found some cute little shirts that are not the camisoles i intended to buy…foiled again – we were off to see the matinee of brokeback mountain and just cry and cry. i cried in the preview. a friend gave me the heads up that it was comparable only to bridges of madison county. translation: the sickest kind of film for diehard closeted romantics. the fact that it was gay and a feature film and thus groundbreaking was quickly not the point at all, it was just beautiful and well-acted and accurately captured a range of complex miscommunications and fears.

and not unrealistic. i’m not yet 30, and i’ve seen up close affairs, lies, triangles, mistakes, comfort sex that is no more important or grievous than a secret cigarette, deep closets, deeper reasons, and i’ve seen people turn away from the one love that would make them happy, for the one path that feels safe, or simply because ultimately they don’t really know from sadness. oh that movie made me cry, tears that have been welling up for a while anyway and needed to find a way out. it was great, two sweats in a day…

dinner at rice with jen’s magnifucent hosting smile, going to sofia’s house and really trying not to acknowledge the suitcases; this year was kansas, the house is spinning and the questions abound… which witches to crush, where to find courage and heart and brain, which wizards to expose, and most of all – what shoes to wear?

april is advising me on small steps towards a sewing machine while missing her man, who is in louisiana preparing for a bowl game. my parents are seeing everyone in the state of south carolina that must be seen. autumn leaves tomorrow for the minnesota cold (they light fires on the ice there, its that thick) and new year’s with her other family. a new year approaches…but how to ring it in?

the jury is in – diary of a mad black woman is cheesy as all hell. but being mad, now that’s all the rage.