Monthly Archive for January, 2006

me and my backbone

i am becoming one with my backbone. it’s really quite a delightful bone! if you rely on it, when you’re heart is breaking it will prop you up.

today autumn was telling me some lessons from a class she’s taking that were perfect for now:

- the original sin was inauthenticity…when people gained their fear of being right, to be as god made them. inauthenticity creates deep insecurity, and to counter that lack of self, you have to have power over the other, to justify yourself. and that to conquer inauthenticity you must face everyone, every person, even those you consider the other (other interests, other foundation, other motivation, other values) with compassion and love. you have to see a real self in there, look into the authentic self. that’s the god in them.

- some thought from robert pollack about how the ability to learn, in humans, is constantly evolving. we are constantly incorporating new thoughts into our understanding. he also said the natural human tendency is towards cooperation, pooling resources and working together towards outcomes. we only turn to competition because we are living beyond our means…that we have over populated beyond our finite resources in terms of time, food, space. and we don’t have an instinct to slow down and provide, when we have too much we want more.

what my heart says when i am working for change too fast and without enough thought: slow down. there’s no way to put a blinder on the people and guide them to freedom like its a big surprise birthday party. you can’t use a globalization model for democracy…

hmmm, what else…i think my next article will be entitled: "the non-partisan industrial complex: can we afford our values?"

spending time with loved ones this weekend i thought and wrote down: heart born whole, life breaks it, the people who become pieces of your heart teach you that love is boundless and the whole is constant.

the state of the union was tonight. i find i can never watch it. at dinner with the ny local league, someone said commander in chief was on…and i just thought it was great that a tv show with a woman president was on at the same time as a tv show of the bumbling president, and more people probably watched her.

am off to denver tomorrow for the PR for Progressives Conference, the to Pittsburgh for some strategy session and then the Superbowl!! Gooooooo Steelers!! now do i even know what other team is playing? hell to the naw.

my motto this week: ‘stop acting like a bitch already, be a visionary.’ talib kweli

getting through the day

ah i had the best company tonight. clarity is flowing through me…

someone asked me a general question today, with a smile: how are you getting through the day?

i get through most days the same way, feeling what i feel somewhere deep inside and trying to go all up in the feeling and get to know myself.

i apply the four agreements fairly consistently:

don’t make assuptions
don’t take things personally
be impeccable with your word
always do your best

you have read this book the four agreements i hope – it posits that the world is simply your dream, and the way to keep balance in that dream, beyond understanding that you constantly determine the dream through your perspective (yes someone beat me to the perspectivist movement!), is to make these four agreements with yourself. in times of deep stress or joy or chaos or grief, i find that any or all four work very well.

i also have adopted one more in the past year of my life as my addition to not taking things personally, which is that generally when a violence is done against you, it is born from a violence done before you came along. it is hurt people who are able to hurt, it is damage that empowers the dangerous. when you recognize that, you can feel sad about the amount of damage out there, but you can also refuse to let it become your damage, you can draw the line around your heart even when it’s breaking, and reject it, or as my girl karynn says, forward the karma.

your challenge is to love, to make your love and heart and integrity even bigger, move closer to your core values, not further away. that is the deep truth of non-violent organizing. believe in the people and in the possibility of the heart and they will not fail you.

and so on i go, any given day, living it up.

i had an idea today…well many many. but this one that excites me more as i write this and feel the beginnings of carpal tunnel syndrome taking up a comfy home in my fingers, up my arms and into my shoulders (and please tell me if this exists! cause i want to own a set). the idea is a set of gloves that attach to your computer so that you don’t have to type on a keyboard, but can apply your fingers against any surface, your body, a desk, the wall…and you’d be typing. it would plug into the computer like headphones. the challenge of expressing the whole alphabet on only 10 fingers has been solved by the use of a phone key pad for texting, and is advanced by the word fundtion on phones where you type the letter combo and the computer assumes the word and you can correct if the wrong one pops up. this function would have to have a super wide constantly evolving vocabulary but…you could stand, sit, walk around, and be typing. y’all sittin on this in the pentagon? (i know by even typing that word someone there will see it – whoever you are, get me the gloves!!!) nasa? holla. ship them to my office.

one of the best songs to walk around ny to: just like a pill, by pink
one of the best gyros in the world: gyro II on 7th ave across from penn station. its all about the sauce!

and finally, a thought i have been having. trey songz has a new song out in which he basically says ‘i don’t wanna leave, but i gotta go right now, the streets is calling me." and while i really enjoy the song’s melodic composition, i can’t help but think each time that if that was my dude he wouldn’t be coming back. you’re trying to get some from your man and he’s like the streets is calling? well i hope the streets can do it better than this, cause the lock’s gwon be changed when ya get back. that’s just rude.

ah another night and i’m up at 3am. what do you do when your brain’s getting all cleared up? you think and write and think some more.

sigh

first and foremost, hi meighan davis, of the nj seiu and the league board! thank you so much for suggesting i do a sex column, looks like its going to happen at wiretap – sex and relationships for activists. for tranparency, it should be called the successful single activist…but maybe pleasure dome or pleasurevolution or something. ideas?

had a wonderful morning meeting with the campaign to end aids, getting back in touch with that aspect of my work and interest – they are soooo cool. www.aidsvote.org! and then had a long meeting and walk with heather box, part of the league’s new fundraising team. such a force of energy, such an exciting addition. i love when you meet someone who has a truly different life experience from you who gets it, gets why this work is all so important.

now…i am shamefully addicted to a song i know is a bad song, ‘love’, by sista keyshia cole. i hate when this happens, i listen to my ipod furtively in public…she straight mangles this vocal thing at the end, and the lyrics are corny and desperate. as a singer, it hurts me. and yet, i keep having to play it and get into it.

and i was going to discuss the word "stragedy", as used by jamie foxx in his single unpredictable, and how he should have a huge team to keep him from sounding that dumb, unless he was trying to be funny which he shouldn’t mix into the singing sexy songs with luda bringing it…i was going to, but i don’t even need to.

camron vs jay-z: TIRED
nas signing for jay-z: what’s next, peace in the middle east? i love when capitalism forces reconciliation, how could that happen more often?
beyonce boinking jay-z: appropriato!

i can’t write about anything deep today cause i am doing mad work to prep for our staff and board weekend starting tomorrow. lots to see and do! if you’re in ny this weekend i hope you come out to manjinga at sputnik friday night!

the public sphere: some things i love about ny

i love that there’s a ms. subways, whose sole purpose seems to be having her picture next to reminders to give up your seat for pregnant and elderly people. she ain’t even all that. how do you get to be ms subways?

and i love that you can overhear two young white hipster people completely seriously having this convo:

guy: the first thing we close in on is you
girl: oh, that makes sense
guy: and the wind is blowing
girl: oh, sadness
guy: then, you step forward
girl: oh, and they all come walking after me?
guy: oh no no, not yet, he just stands
girl: oh, that’s powerful
guy: oh, and the whole time its chopin, chopin!
girl: i love the implications of that! oh, and then there’s the personality of the slave?
guy: oh yeah, they have to behave like they have no idea, just no clue about anything, mindless slaves, the essence of slaves
girl: oh that whole dark dark energy, that dark vibe
guy: yes and then you walk in, all beautiful
girl: and then there’s the sex scene?
guy: with your personality. oh, and the shots are set up so it’s, you know, very deep.

then the whoosh off into the world.

i love when i am listening to my ipod and slip up and sing along out loud or just have a wildin’ out listening moment, and someone nearby knows the song or recognizes the feeling and we vibe. in general any moments of stranger vibe in ny make me happy.

i wish y’all could see me right now trying to get this crick out mah neck. after the magical moment with tony the masseuse last week, i then had a few nights of not enough proper sleep and then slept wrong on my neck and now when i try to cock it to the right (which i had no idea i do all the time, its how i listen, or effect the air of listening when reading emails) the left says hell to the naw! so i am using all of my personal massagers on it, and a hot pad which i have affixed to my neck by tying a scarf around it. wearing just that and my new african power legwarmers has me laughing my ass off everytime i catch a minute in the mirror.

what else what else…have you done all you could to stop alito yet? or have you done…nothing? don’t feel bad, just exert a little pressure if you can, now is the time…today is a good day to call your senators as the hearings are done and now folks are gonna be voting.

a little funny:

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day.  As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog.

there’s a sexpert on wendy williams today, fun fun fun listening! have you done your kegel exercises today, friends? she recommended doing 100 a day. and squeeze, release, squeeze, release!

ahem.

ok, a promise…no more drunk blogging!

while i won’t take
last night’s post down because i try not to do that, i will say don’t
read it too carefully, and apologies to anyone whose etiquette i called
‘funny’. how judgy of me! and while that post makes me seem un poco
hoocho, chances are very high that most of that list will only stroke
my ego, not my…anything else! i often like the idea of living a
samantha existence, but in real life its all getting to be a bit much,
managing all this flirtation and delight. too many aggressive libidos
to keep track of, the mojo is getting a bit overfueled! how else can
you explain getting piss drunk on a sunday night?

perhaps i was
raging against the sounds from behind the fridge, which i am fairly
certain are caused by an unwanted rodent visitor. on the off chance
that this is a New Rodent Visitor, and not the one i asked to leave
last year who promptly disappeared, i repeated the request: ‘NRV,
please go now and i won’t take any measures to eradicate your small
life.’ now, fingers crossed that mice can understand words like NRV and
eradicate. my past experiences with mouse traps have been grievous.
still, my bed is on the floor and i just can’t share the bed or the
room or anything else with a little dirty ass mouse.

or perhaps
this is further evidence of my subconscious acting up. i have to
meditate and find out what is troubling her so. she’s smoking,
drinking, it’s uncouth.

this morning i had a little meeting with
lisa witter, who has started this thing called shesource.com which
places women primarily on television and works to create a culture of
female experts in a world of male dominated political television. i
first came to know lisa as the competition of my girl malia on american
candidate, which was on showtime leading up to the 04 election. but
time has shown that she knows a lot about strategic media, candidate
development and other nifty tools i need.

we also spoke for a
while on how scary this winter is. lisa was saying that the gulf stream
has actually shifted lower, this rapid shift from the deep cold of last
winter to this strange, wet, mild one this year is really cause for
concern. the flowers are confused, the birds are confused. time to
bloom? to sing? to fly away?

with that in mind i ran down to
drop off the stargate netflix to my sister, who is as obsessed as i am
with this sci-fi isht. her office – new york disaster relief interfaith
services, looks out over the world trade center site, and i stood with
her looking out the window and was surprisingly overcome with emotion.
its a pit, with lots of construction stuff in it and the path train
running through the middle, but no construction is happening. as my
sister said, it’s appropriate somehow that it is a space of contention,
that it is so stagnant. looking into it i just saw this massive
spiritual graveyard, piled with the deaths of that day, and of all the
war that has been waged as a supposed response to that day, a graveyard
of strangers. god it made me feel so sad. we work so hard but the
onslaught of despair is so tangible.

and then seeing a bad picture of myself from a day when i thought i looked cute…blah!

life
has tested me so much recently and i am excited by the strength i see,
by how i’m being true to my values. but it’s hard. maybe that’s what my
subconscious is reminding me of – how hard she is working too, how much
she too is holding so that i can do me, and not to forget or to think
its easy simply because it is working, because i am working and feeling
productive and/or sexy and/or smarter than i’ve felt in a while.

what
a funny mood i am in today. i think i will feel significantly better if
i go drop off my laundry. so that’s what i will do.

drunk blog number whatever

hee hee
whoo
ok so…yes i admit it the dewars is holding me prisoner!

but today, which was an awesome day anyway, i got two bits of news which i just have to revel in…

1. two of my old lovers had a bonding session last night in which they realized who they are vis a vis me, and decided to proposition me for a threesome! now. generally my rules on a threesome are: a. i have no rules and b. both people have to be hot in my book. check and check! lol…lucky open minded girl gets the wormhole.

i recently have been in full target mode, with every ex i’ve had over the past 10 years taking aim. the great thing is, i’ve made good choices, so there’s no one on that list i wouldn’t go back to. maybe one person…but just cause he’s ridiculous. actually there’s a few ridiculous people. the encounters were still good…but i hadn’t been thinking about this one other person as a viable candidate. but, clearly, no stone can go unturned, and thus no lover un-turned out…

and

2. i can’t even really explain the second bit of news, except that a random hottie is possibly going to be around me a bit more, and me being me, i can’t think of anything being too wrong with that. oh i am naive, i am sure some complications will arise. but not from me, because drama got nixed on jan 1 06 and thus i am in the hinterlands of harmony, internally.

but something else i’ve realized is that people i know have some funny rules around the etiquette of hook-ups. for me…there basically is no etiquette. you just go for broke and hope it satisfies all parties and everyone is a free agent. and going for broke entails meeting people who you know are trying to do good in the world and making them feel good.

this is the dawning of the age of the free agent. the person, sometimes in the shape of adrienne, who does what she wants purely because she wants to! and maturity comes in the form of hurting no one’s feelings, creating no unnecessary drama, but valuing the full person in each little hot and bothered interaction.

and

3…did i indicate there were only two? its the whiskey i swear…but in another conversation it became clear that a close encounter with the the hottest person i know in history is eminent. you don’t even know what that means, but i do, i know it means that something good is coming to me.

4. four adrienne? four??? yes…there is someone i have been flirting with for many years who, a while back, sent me pictures to plead the case that i should consider said person as a lover. the pictures were convincing and the game has backed it up and – 06 may be the year of realizing fantasies. or not. i hate giving up fantasies…who is with me?

what else can i say…my sister and i ripped target to pieces today – i got a desk lamp and a chair for my ‘home office’ and some lightbulbs that won’t hurt the earth and more jersey knit sheets because they feel really good, and some brita water filters cause dirty water scares me. i spent too much and now i must repent by fasting.

AND i called adam! and he sounded great and i get to see him and karynn this week – they are one of those couples that, by their very existence, gives you hope in finding someone out there that aligns with your vision for changing the world and mutual respect in the context of love.

um…and…i forgot to drop off my laundry. damn. and…i talked to my mama in japan, she is doing well. japan is too far. i am glad this is hopefully their last far away assignment. i miss my parents. theirs are the only messages i save on my phone to listen to over and over again. do you like your parents? not only do i like mine, but i find that my little self-analysis game only works when i factor them in and let them know about it. but then again i think i have an unprecedented honesty with them.

i am at the peak of my peak right now – i know saturn returns is supposed to come soon and f it all up but, to be honest, when you realize that every single experience is a learning one, it changes the whole game up.

oh i wish i could kiss you right now, so you could feel beyond my words to this marvelous mood i am in. but a girl can only travel so much. so i owe you all deep lovely kisses. i’ll hold up my end of the promise ;) i promise!

sunday sunday sunday. time to pray!

ohhhhhh tony

this weekend is going so well. i must have done something good y’all.

started off at breakfast with dani, my chale chale sister in strength. it’s constant learning with her. then rolled up to the popular education conference at hunter’s school of social work. lots of lovely folks in the house – swati, bryan, arif, bacha-bach. i watched a documentary on the landless worker’s movement in brazil, mst. so inspiring. a series of compromises i feel are strategic for now have me currently in a work situation that isn’t a collective, which is hard for me because i so fundamentally believe collective work yields superior results. but this documentary gave me hope that time, perserverance and work can still lead us all out of our socialization.

then i went to the session on how popular education models work in the senior advisory board of state senator liz krueger, which was cool, these powerful older sisters talking about their ongoing civic engagement and what its like to have an elected official who actually listens. as the league evolves, candidate accountability models become more and more important, so i learned a lot.

i accidentally left my sudoku puzzle book at home and had to walk up to a bookstore and by two more. i love sudoku. i’m finally reveling in an addiction that won’t give me cancer!

then i got to walk across central park, the path that goes in front of the met and past the great lawn as the sun was setting, so gorgeous, blasting my trey songz ‘gotta make it’. my ipod right now is the perfect mix – jay-z, raekwon, gillian welch, bob dylan, mariah carey, mary j., song after song i love. met up with my sister, her man sam, and their friend nathan for some catfish and collards at spoonbread. in the middle of that, the hot little package kate rhee called to tell me she was going to see tony, our masseuse, so i called and booked the session right after hers.

now please understand that tony is a demi-god, with hands that are always warm and so strong and he knows exactly where it hurts and what to release. kate was sitting in the waiting room, and she said if she didn’t know it was a massage she would have thought i was getting turned OUT in there. the truth is, the tony touch is better than most sex. $35 for an HOUR of deep acupressure. i have all these special points – work stress sits just to the left of my spine midway down my back, heartbreaker has his own little area on the lower right side…touch it right and i still cry. tony touches everything right, takes you to the edge and brings you back. and the ills of the world take over my left shoulder and neck. tony takes it all away. afterwards i have to hug him. he makes me want to give Him a happy ending. he’s that good. may the good lord find it in her heart to give you a tony.

called my other sister april, who is doing her first night temping as a concierge as her second job…love that girl, she’s so no nonsense. she says if i write a sex column she probably won’t read it, but she still thinks its a good idea. i think so too, if this works out it will be so much fun!

one of my band of courting exes sent me his picture and he is looking
finer than ever. i have to say that when i look over the short list of
people who have actually made it all the way, their common denominator
is that they are fine and rocked it. i think i’ve mastered the fine art of taking lovers and keeping good relationships over a long time. and sometime in the next 10 years, i plan to get good at love :) but for what i have mastered, i think i’ve earned the right to pontificate and do a sex advice column. god knows my isht is mmm-mmm good. i think i might…oh well let me finish the blog first.

so i’m home in time for mad tv and saturday night live and if they are less than hilarious i have more stargate to watch. and tomorrow i am going to call you adam, i promise. i love that you find hope in your dreams, i am about to start a new spiritual movement called perspectivism, centered on the truth i have found in setting your own perspective towards the light and racing your psyche to the finish line.

autumn is coming through tomorrow, and i have no other plans which happens so rarely and is so precious. wishing you all some aimless time before the weekend ends!

smokin an L with Jesus

i have realized, at the ripe old age of 27, that there are a couple of versions of heaven:

1. there is the heaven for people who love harps and choir music. they bop on elevators and often wish their hair was more flowy-er. i can’t get around to aiming for this one, and it keeps me from bowing my head often enough i’m sure.

2. there is a heaven that involves one long, perfect, magic hands massage. i dare say i pray for this one daily.

3. there is a heaven in which we humans finally evolve to a place of inner and outer peace, and treat each other with respect, live in trust and freedom, and want for nothing but good work. i act like i live there and hold no small measure of pride in my surprise at proof to the contrary…

4. there is a heaven which is a beach in the marshall islands where i healed once…where the sand comes out against the ocean and in every direction, as far as the eye can see, you can look. you can watch the rains come hours away, and you can watch the far side of the sunset, and you can see the very first glimpse of the earth turning towards that same sun but we call it new and it constantly amazes, and the wind is warm and the sharks are near and when night comes, she brings a million stars to tell you her stories.

5. and then there is the one i have found on earth – a friday night, with a late night date with myself, watching science fiction shows, eating oreos, with a sip of whiskey and a bit of puff and a new red light and no clothes anywhere near me and no work and no phone ringing and nothing, absolutely nothing, in this room that i don’t want here.

6. and then there is my penultimate heaven, the one in which i get to spend a lot of time on the beach, in peace, often sitting alone to think, but sometimes getting to choose someone to sit back and smoke an L with, and ask my big questions to. my short list includes every major martyr or religious figure,  writer of perfect songs, prophet,  revolutionary and lover i’ve ever known or known of.  i would like to start with jesus, given the great obsession and oppression of my time, based on poor interpretations of his short life. and then nina simone, to ask how she was able to keep singing when some days break you of sound.  and i would probably want to sing a song with her, because i’ve lost all shame and besides, its my heaven. and then a panel of inventors, to ask what it feels like to have a completely new idea in a world that runs from change. and then i would love to sit down with the creation force, in whatever form i can handle, just to say why 50 times, for closure.

and that is my list of heavens.

i was going to write something that would be hilarious, at least to me, about men hollering at me on the street. recently i have gotten the following commentary:

"mami, why you even trying to lose weight? if i was your man i would appreciate all of that, every inch."
"yo ma you beautiful, really."
"ah pretty xtra large, i like that."
"can i suck your titties, please, just once?"
"do you have the time? no, not that time – the time to talk to me?"
"i have a car, i have a job, and now i need you."
"i’m older than i look, i could do it right."

unfortunately these men have holla’d at me in the context of the bob dylan song i can’t stop repeating on my ipod, which i think might be the only fresh game that could ever be kicked to me on the street (sexy people who carry around guitars take note):

Tell me, I’ve got to know.
Tell me, tell me before I go.
Does that flame still burn? Does that fire still glow?
Or has it died out and melted like the snow.
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, what are you focused upon?
Tell me what I’ll know better when you’re gone.
Tell me quick with a glance on the side.
Shall I hold you close?
Or Shall I let you go by?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Are you looking at me and thinking of somebody else?
Can you feel the heat and the beat of my pulse?
Do you have any secrets that will come out in time?
Do you lie in bed and stare at the stars?
Is your main friend an acquaintance of ours?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, are those rock and roll dreams in your eyes?
Tell me, behind what door your treasure lies.
Ever gone broke in a big way?
Ever done the opposite of what the experts say?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Is it some kind of game that you’re playin’ with me.
Am I imagining something that never can be?
Do you have any morals?
Do you have any point of view?
Do you long to ride on that old ship of Zion?
What means more to you, a lap dog or a dead lion?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, is my name in your book?
Tell me, should I come back and take another look?
Tell me the truth, tell me no lies.
Are you someone, anyone?
Tell me.
Tell me.

My favorite of these lines are those about having morals and a point of view. This is the answer that cannot be attained by any amount of focus on my ass or eyes, any brief and offensive designs on my breasts. The statistics are stacked so deeply against you kind sirs. Resist. The. Urge.

Yesterday was National Make Adrienne Think Of Babies day. Besides the dream, which I will not recount, and before my visit with the graceful and divine Mia Herndon, who awaits a February child, I had
brunch with this cool woman Ilene who used to run progressive salons in ny, and
now does fertility awareness classes that teach women how to track their times
of fertility so they aren’t slaves to the pill. www.fertaware.com. If anyone can help her with the website, she’s looking for help so holla.

Now, I’ve managed to stay off the
pill thus far in life, but have watched many friends go through the crazy ups
and downs of it. Interesting evolution to consider – the body does tell you so
much. Today my body told me unequivocally that I am not pregnant. And I was glad :)

Tonight I had dinner with my doppelganger, Alea Woodlee. Everyone who has met us both swears we look alike, and it’s true. Sitting at dinner with her I couldn’t help watching to see what I might appear like to others, since I have long held the theory that I have a non-sensical appearance. But she looks great. I’m taller! She’s also a military brat, an organizer, a singer, a communicator, we could speak each other’s sentences. It’s uncanny. And she’s great, which in a not too odd way makes me feel good too.

Now, for those who need someone to love, to care for, and find no one willing to take this sweet burden on, here’s a little blast from closet animal lover Yahonnes Cleary, my friend:

The
West Jersey (

Pennsauken

,

NJ

) Animal Shelter is closing at the end of
this
month. There are currently 31 dogs and 5 cats on the premises that are in
desperate need of adoption. The West Jersey Animal Shelter is open for
adoptions Monday through Friday from 11 a.m. until 4 p.m. and from 11 a.m.
until 5 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. Phone (856) 486-2180.

Tomorrow I’ll be at this popular education conference at Hunter all day. Roll through if you’re in NY.

why my sub-conscious totally sucks azz

yo my sub-conscious is killin me right now!!!

why did i just wake up from this dream: i was having some perfect day where i was in a fabulous hotel for some special occasion, and i had lined up dates with three old lovers in one day (even in dreams yo soy freaky), and then the heartbreaker showed up, and then we were shopping for baby onesies with my mother!! what the balls is that? i woke up wanting to promptly eat something gross for the express purpose of vomiting it in my face.

this made me realize that i am not smoking, it’s my sub-conscious! operation Quell My Sub-conscious’s Crazy Self is ON!

in real life, the heartbreaker’s romantic crusade lasted roughly two weeks ending with a very classic miscommunication of the type we Always have in which i say something reasonable and he gets angry. shane says to think of it as an issue of perspectives, not right or wrong. but my perspective is, the disgust i have at the idea of having a baby in my life extends to relationships. get to steppin! or at the very least, don’t expect me to keep trying.

today we have a Very Funny Boondocks to share (by we I mean me and Aaron MacGruder, who doesn’t even know about this partnership but he would adore me, i just know it):

Braineatingboondocks

wow – that came out small. hmmm…well click on it to see it, it’s worth it…

in other news – i got this email from my dear friend kate cortesi, from soviet georgia:


Whatup Adrienne! I was just reading your blog, which makes me so
homesick I can’t even tell you, and you had this funny typo which I
think we should all use on purpose:

someone who will rename nameless

I don’t know why I like that so much. I guess because withholding someone’s name is like renaming them?

Does withholding really have two h’s in a row?

Alright, I gotta get back to writing, but just wanted to say: miss you!

xo
K

ah typos. i had another one a while ago, where i meant to say something like mojo begets mojo, but i said mojo begets moho, which was just too funny to fix. never look back.

had a series of excellent talks yesterday:

1. with my mentor who is a leader from the young lord days on movement, sexism, contradiction (recommended reading: on contradiction, by chairman mao), having a vision and values and having a line you can draw, a place where you stand. really enlightening.

i left my wallet at the spot where we ate and by the time i got back to it someone had jacked me for my monthly metrocard! sigh. i will not let this put a damper on me, but rather see it as an opportunity to learn about the metrocard warranty system where if you purchase it with a credit or debit card you can get a pro-rated credit to your account. chale yes.

2. with my homey dani mcclain about how growth is shaping our radicalism in a great way.

3. with a dear friend who has been through a hellacious 5 months and is coming through it all with so much grace and bravado that i wish standing ovations were common in the real world.

4. with a dear friend who is realizing she is seriously depressed and needs help. we gonna get help honey, i know you got all it takes to get through this.

5. with someone we were interviewing who i really wished i could kick it with over tea.

and THEN, joshuagabriel came over to bring me my artwork and make some music. we did an original song i’ve been working on, he tuned my guitar, and then we did a duet cover of that dylan song, ‘i threw it all away’. So Fun and So Good. there are people you’re just born to make music with.

here’s a picture of my mom’s two new students:

Momsstudents

they wear school uniforms and roll up the skirts, which reminds me: I did this all through high school, among
other things, to make myself look like a little ho-bag (a.k.a. ‘cute’). Ah, to
think there was a time when I wanted to show as much leg as possible!

my family is in a period of firsts. I shifting
roles in the league to work that much better suits me, my mom started teaching English
to two these two students in Japan, april started her communications practicum,
and autumn started her job at the

new
  york

disaster relief interfaith services. my dad is still obsessed with golf, but he had his first hole-in-one the other day!! Go family!

ok, now its time to go walk off this bad encounter with my sub-conscious. have a day of sparkling wit!

from rock bottom

ok, today i have to admit publicly, or at least blogospherically, that i have hit rock bottom of the slippery slope called ‘adrienne’s nicotine addiction’. i am actually sitting at the bottom of that slope, leaned back on the incline with a cigarette in my mouth right now! i am smoking like samuel jackson in jurassic park.

i have been a smoker in denial for about a month now. just one. and then, just a clove, for stress. and then, a pack of cloves, which i know are harsh but don’t smell like cigarettes and take a long time to smoke so fake me into thinking i am still only dabbling. to help me from screaming on people. when i am called upon to rise above my current circumstances i always turn to smoke, which also burns and rises…and other things.

but then this past weekend, i ran out of cloves in d.c. on a sunday night, which apparently is a official ‘Close Down All Convenience Stores in the Downtown Area’ Night. who knew. and i realized i was actually not just slightly perturbed, i was wringing my hands and had to ask someone to bring me whatever they could get please that was in the shape of a small long cylinder of that sweet stinky shit i love so much.

so i know i posted earlier today but its technically tomorrow so i felt that i could share this realization officially.

also because at my voice lesson i couldn’t hide the tell tale smoker’s cough, and my voice teacher just looked at me and said, i know you’ve had some stress, i know that. now you have to quit again. and celeste today said – cigarettes! and shane last night said NO YOU CAN’T and i still couldn’t not smoke, shamefully, in front of him.

luckily i know how to quit, or at least know i can. i quit all of last year, and i was a self-righteous preachy little non-smoking high and mighty brat. and now i have to stop again, which for me means going on a total and complete cleansing fast and cutting everything – nicotine, alcohol, bread, sugar, meat, etc. then easing into the other stuff and leaving the cigs out. cigarettes and bread are the bars and floor of my particular prison.

and i don’t need anyone to tell me how bad it is, i know. i know it’s wrong, self-abuse, stinky, dangerous, reversing the work of my whitening strips – which i only remember to do every third day anyway – i know the Truth.

ugh. i am so ashamed but also secretly enjoying this little lapse for as long as it lasts…why is there NOTHING else like cigarettes and why can’t someone figure out how to make ones that are AS SATISFYING AS THIS without a cancerous stinky effect?

Addictions

here’s a small photo of my current addictions. one is deadly. the other is nerdy. oh me oh my. well, admitting it is my first step towards quitting. so here goes! um. tomorrow. CONO!

in other news though, the ny league had a second meeting of the year and something is starting to form from the thinking aloud that could be really hot. if you’re in ny and want to get down with it just holla…

and i did have a moment of singing with my old teacher and she said my voice is still there, which made my heart heat up. also met this woman who is going to become my sometimes student in developing a vocal style. fun fun!

in terms of a sex column for organizers – karynn, i like that suggestion. let me think about it, pitch it around.

ok. let’s see if i can make it from here to the bed without a cig tonight!