fear and loathing

i think no one is reading this blog anymore, all of these long late night posts of extreme abject honesty. friendster keeps telling me to upgrade so i can see how many people read it, but i want to be able to stay honest, and that requires a belief that only i read it, and maybe one or two others here and there…

so you know how days pile up such that you reach the end with a whole different understanding of the world? or at least, your immediate history?

i facilitated the opening plenary of the young democratic socialists conference, we talked about change and katrina and power and stuff. i constantly contend with being a socialist at heart, but not seeing the pragmatic steps from that ideology to change. but a good conversation happened, with smart people, deep people, and the conference continues all weekend – holla if you’re interested in details, or come through 351 18th st tomorrow.

but that’s not what shook me.

what shook me was dinner with an old friend where we finally debriefed a period of time that was dark and dangerous for both of us. i have spent years not thinking about the reasons for our behavior, and that of others, during that time, while simultaneously trying to grow in my relationships with them and myself to a better place. it wasn’t that deep…but of course it was…

for reasons i may never understand, probably stemming from my own little history of trauma and madness, i seem to be drawn to only children raised by one parent, or at least one ‘sane’ parent, often abused or neglected or both. i spent the evening with one of those children, and the discussion was so illuminating, we spoke directly to the results of that sort of childhood.

to be naive, as i have been generally in dealing with a lot of folks, is to open yourself to forwarded abuse, to capture in your heart the bruises and lies, to have to contend with loving someone who may fundamentally be unable to return it without malice or distrust or scheming, someone who doesn’t aim to be that way, but when pride is the thing you have left, you protect it with your whole being. and for the naive kid who came from a family which, while it had its dysfunctions, was built on a foundation of acceptance and love and escape from the shit of the world…its such a hard thing to understand, to see and love someone amazing who has no real capacity to love and be honest with him/herself…

on the trip home the trains were all late and people were antsy and loud and waiting and my ipod shuffle is broken for a minute so i had to hear it all. this fratboyish type, talking to a giggly graceless girl, said…’i mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s my best friend in the world, but he’s a goddamn russian fucking shitty cocksuckin asshole; i can’t understand half of what he says to me – i just smile and nod. i mean i’ve never seen him act so civilized – he must like you.’ and she giggled. this overheard comment threw my night’s conversation into sharp relief. i have loved and given much time to some assholes. its no laughing matter. as i get older i begin to respect assholishness, to see it in myself and call it boundaries, reality checks, etc. 

i think i am mostly past the phase of my life where i smile and nod, even giggle my way through it. anyway, people, even assholes, aren’t disposable – my love doesn’t allow that. but i remember i used to giggle in fear, while my whole body shook in panic, at the mercy of people i loved and feared. can you loathe while you love? i, knowing no danger, was going through a phase in which i would get high and entertain a room by deconstructing people’s ‘cool’. perhaps because i didn’t have the same pride, jealousy, anger to contend with, i thought it harmless. so wrong. sitting and talking with someone who you have shamed, who has hurt you, and just being honest – it’s daunting.

and speaking specifically about lies and honesty, living as yourself versus the projection of yourself…avoiding lies…oh i used to lie to impress, and it was no good, left me feeling like nothing, it was bad. but i could break down and come back and change my behavior, grow up. those who have a history of childhood abuse lie to survive. its so different. how do you change that?

who talks about these things? you wanted a sexy blog but i’m on burnt-mojo hiatus :) and on a friday night! i should be dancing. hmmm – maybe i just will do that. night, loved ones…

3 Responses to “fear and loathing”


  1. 1 Tchaiko

    what a day for me to decide to read your blog….childhood abuse, abuse in general,fear…you say you are drawn to people with raised by one parent, people seem to be drawn to me or me to them, who’ve experienced all of the above, and lieing to survivie…yes that happens, but change is always possible, and i think courage is the only thing that can help with that change, courage to go through and re experience trauma again so that you can get past it in the future…so that manipulation and lies and running, and suppression wtih feel good drugs,sex,friends isn’t the way to cope with life anymore….

  2. 2 Pamela

    In one of your blogs you posed the question “is saving the world a pragmatic goal these days?” I’ve been toying with this question for some time now – its so revelant to whats happen day in day out in all the lives of those us of who actively seek/search for change.

    There seems to be more discourse surrounding change than actual change. I was even tempted to email you for further discussion …
    Yet the reading of and ensuing thoughts of “fear and loathing” was heart wrenching. Our expectations of others is so void of their experiences and so full of our own that the “how’s” and “whys” are never really examined in open communication or dialogue. We seem to, because of our own experiences, assume far too readily, how the other should prevail and when it doesn’t happen quite like our assumptions lead us, we either put down or retreat! The reasons the caged bird sings is for a myriad of reasons! Mental health is never really fully explored … We are the caged birds who lead our tomorrows. “who talks about these things?” nobody. Who thinks these things? Many of us. Thanks for talking your thoughts.

    On another note, your blog is read is read (reading Anjali’s blog one day I followed the link to yours yours) since I’m writing so many questions come to mind.

    Is this really you or the reinvention of Adrienne? I often wonder when reading your posts, despite your forewarning they’re decidedly for you, if you entries are not some integral part of some personal dialogue at the readers expense? :-) You present as a kaleidoscope of personalities! Your thoughts are enagaging, the blog posts intriguing, and above all empowering in a way that ignites one delving into one’s own psyche. What most appeals to me is your respect of LIFE. Each day appears not just a new dawning but rather another mad celebration! The jury is still out on whether you’re just another phenomenal writer or merely a phenomenal personality. Kudos either case.

    Your passion for understanding seems more prevalent then your work for change but then you take us on the journey of your take no prisoners attitude in regards to social/political toward change and ponders the driving force.
    Heartbreaker? Since we can’t have a name, how about a description? Their sign? Short or tall? Male or female? Does having the heartbreaker become the knight in shining armour speaking those words so wanted/needed equate clarity? Yes, love covers a multitude of sins. You’ve given love, lovers, forgiveness/forgetting/understanding, heartbreakers and love’s redemption a depth. Thoughts for marinading. Infinite possibilities …. Thanks again.

    Your ten question were interesting. Again, I felt methodically designed for someone other than a vast array of friends/readers. So what the fuss, as an avid reader I bit, 10 seminal amswers off the top of my head.

    Recently, a 67 year-old friend who has lived with AIDS for 16 years and whose life’s work has been has been a champion for social justice decided his memoirs could be too important to others to keep so close to himself, and after lengthy periods of groping with the idea of not sharing for particular vein reasons as decided to engage in blogging. He still chastens himself for becoming so trendy! In his reaching out though to fmaily and friends, what stuck me most was his repeating the so familiar phrase, “Our stories must be told.”
    Keep giving us your stories.
    Love and respect,
    Pam

    1. what comes to mind when you think of revolution?
    rebellion
    2. what comes to mind when you think of slavery?
    uncle tom’s cabin
    3. what comes to mind when you think of heaven?
    the question of streets paved with gold???
    4. who comes to mind when you think of evil?
    seriously, no one. i’ve no real description for evil.
    5. what do you think of threesomes?
    in what capacity? :-)
    6. do you think you are superior in some way to the majority of the species? in what way? (hint: i think i might have a greater capacity to forgive, but i haven’t determined if it is mo’ superior or mo’ sucker)
    sensitivity without a doubt! my level of consciousness in regard to another’s right to be.
    7. would you say you have amazing sex on a regular basis?
    yep.
    8. do you recycle?
    i make a mental note to in many areas but mostly i save. in another life no doubt i was a junk keeper!
    9. what do you do when you most need to relax?
    read.
    10. are you addicted to sudoku yet? (www.websudoku.com)
    vicariously through you!

  3. 3 Tarn

    Why do the abused seek others who are abused, and keep creating more cycles of abuse? There are plenty of “answers” that many would like to offer, and though they may be helpful, I think the more important question is the other question you asked. Can the cycles transform into something new, something different, something beautiful?

    I think that just by asking this question alone testifies to the open-ness of your being for change. In my brief history on this planet, I have found that cycles only occur because we are unaware of our actions. Call it ‘subconscious’, call it ‘karma’, call it whathaveyou. And it’s only with careful reflection, whether through alone-time meditations or through with-others intimacy, that we become aware of our habits.

    Here’s the tricky thing about consciousness and awareness though: it’s energetic and frenetic — like the charge that electrons carry, it’s constantly moving and changing and transforming. So we, like the electrons, consistently get charged up and charged down through our very own awareness.

    I don’t think it is so important that one is attracted to a particular type of company (ie. persons who have survived a certain childhood). I think what matters most is how one reacts to given circumstances — be they your own choices or randomly presented ones. I think with every situation, we are given the opportunity to Create. We can choose to stay the stolid course of cycle upon cycle of those habits we do, thereby Creating more cycles upon more cycles of those habits we do. Or we can choose to take those circumstances and do something new, thereby Creating more opportunities for change, hopefully lessening any harmful habits along the way.

    So, I guess what I’m saying is Fear and Loathing demonstrably exist. When presented with these circumstances, Creation of What From Here? should be the question to ask.

Leave a Reply