Monthly Archive for March, 2006

back in the mission

ah. so i am back in san francisco, in the mission, in a little cafe catching up on life and the world.

my friend is about to start a whole blog on how women should have a "keep away" box to bust out in case of flirtation emergencies (which i am about to make you all go post on), but first i have to tell you the funny story that got it happening.

so – the other night i was blazing with some male friends and after everyone left i went to the bathroom and something unimaginably off-limits from my feminine care collection was laying out on the counter. i don’t know how it got on the counter, but there it was. it’s in the category of game stopper. which was fine for that night’s company, but those friends are boys with this other dude who has the kind of game i would never want to stop, and unfortunately i am almost positive he heard of this feminine care shit. sigh. mortification!

then there’s no way to say anything…i brainstormed openers:

"hey, any idea how my Mortifying Girl Stuff ended up on the counter since i know i didn’t put it there?"

or

"hey, did you by any chance hear i had Mortifying Girl Stuff? cause like all girls use that."

anyway, what the whole mortifying experience really elucidated to me was that i think i might be having the first inklings of my first real legitimate post-heartbreaker crush. cause otherwise, i wouldn’t have really cared or even been mortified, since very little in the realm of feminine care embarrasses me any more.

but my homey said it would actually be great to have a whole ‘keep away’ box to pull out in case of emergencies where crisis game stopping is needed. we started brainstorming stuff and the list was pretty hilarious. i will let you know when you can share your suggestions…

regarding the new possible actual crush (i have to make this distinction because i roll thru the world with such a huge number of momentary crushes), it’s just gonna get filed in the ‘cool boys in the world’ box in the back of my brain cause i am in a committed relationship right now, with my ass. getting my ass totally happy and healthy is my numero uno priority at the moment.

i miss my trainer, but i went all out with my hotel workouts this weekend, and my homey seth says he can get me into a gym nearby while i’m in cali, so the lovefest continues!

people are starting to hear that i am leaving the league and write me really sweet shocked sad emails. everyone wants a dramatic story. here goes: no mo drama! i want the next phase of my life to be about love and light, however corny that sounds. i don’t want to be talking about anyone, i just want to live and work and play and smile and think.

i had a dream the other night where i taught myself to fly. i was in a little room, and the first part was just getting off the ground – when i could do that it was easy to push up a little higher, get speed, hover just off the ground, go quite fast. but it was total peter pannish – i could fly in direct relation to a deep feeling of love and peace. happy thought :) the soundtrack was – love lifts me up where i belong.

word. peace…

hotel moment

why do i see the great questions on both the real world and c-span? what kind of moment of cultural growth is this anyway…seriously, just today i saw: what is love? who am i? why are all people so pathetic and silly? does anyone like me? do i care at all? is this heaven? is tavis smiley’s covenant with black

america

the
answer?

my great question? is it ok that I have spent ten hours in the whirlpoolie bathtub in my hotel
room (which I got cause it was the last available room)? i’m in pittsburgh with no motivation to make any effort to leave my hotel room – i’m so sleepy and hotel rooms provide a specific type of escape i love and need sometimes.  this weekend was heaven…

i’ve been revelling a bit in not caring what folks think or do, not spending time analyzing the actions of others for once. less expectations means more clarity and less disappointment, just staying present. life is definitely more fun this way. this is a new challenge for the virgo: imagine if what other people do has nothing to do with me? lol…

somethings that came to me on a phone call today:

people lose hope then they lose their way
hop on the path that goes debate, night, die, day;
debate, lose, suffer, live
save the day, get that pay
it’s one or the other cause you know we all suckas

and:

i feel like we talk all the time about who is "the realest", and we usually mean who comes from the hood or has organized thousands or has organized period. but i feel like we might get further if we began to gauge real according to vision. a lot of people are walking around in the movement who actually think this social justice work is just as good a place to make a name as any other.

if there’s no self-reflection on self-determination, we can only achieve the same old work and results. i think we don’t live in a just world because so few people have a real sense of what justice is. or freedom. or even love. i know some folks right now who could effect such change in the world, but their lack of real vision makes their hearts and their actions small. i know some folks who aren’t in the "movement" in any official way, but their sense of vision and real foundation in the lovingkindness makes all of their actions, and their long-term impact on the people around them, huge.

this observation has me thinking – what do we all have to do to really get in touch with who we are enough to love that person, forgive that person for all the wandering if necessary, and do what we’re meant to be doing?

the personal conclusions i keep coming to when i really think on this is that i want to focus in on counter-military/anti-war work, and environment. the latter because no matter how you cut it that’s the common space, the tangible thing we all have in common which, as it goes to hell, effects all of us. every community i have worked in or with in the past decade has had large scale environment issues as a backdrop to the immediate problems we faced. and the former because i come from a military family, that’s the community i know, for me going back to do work in my community is really trying to pull folks out of a war zone. this clarity is helping guide my decisions on where to focus my energy. adrienne focused? hot damn…

perhaps its a survival mechanism…the desire by the part of me that lives for justice not to get swallowed up in the rhetoric of comfort. we’ll see how i fair, or if it matters. for now, i’m getting back under the covers of a king size bed in a remote hotel watching matisyahu’s video – the hasidic reggae rapper? yeah man, why not?

revenge of the fat girl! pending: future health

ok many things to say:

first of all – to conclude fat girl day, yesterday i was looking at some oils on the street, not touching the table at all, and i hear a voice behind me: "hey big girl, don’t lean too hard on that table!"

now mind you i had been having fat day ALL day, starting with a big insult-based argument with the heartbreaker during which i crossed him off my list of people i know. i crept away without turning around, wishing i could kickbox his FACE in, and then looked at the sky in the way i do when i am thinking:

WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL GOD? I AM GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING HEALTHY AND CUTTING BAD THINGS OUT OF MY LIFE ALRIGHT OK!!!!!

ahem.

so but then this morning i go to the gym and my personal trainer, sweet david, was ‘very impressed’ with my week and, out of nowhere, said: "you have an AWESOME body."

who wha-wha hmmm hey who me? i drilled my gaze into the treadmill while that tried to sink into my fat girl brain.

"yeah good genes. like – a GREAT body. you stick with this? you are going to be very happy."

inside adrienne’s head: i love you and i will do anything you say.

several intense weightlifting sessions later, i still felt this way. whenever he asked how do you feel, the answer was great! cause what no one knows is – i can do basically ANYTHING in the WHOLE WORLD on some hope. HOLLA!

in other news – my sister autumn tells me this dude walked into her workplace and said the ny subway system is one of the most vulnerable places in the world for any kind of attack. i am trying to stay calm. and if something happened on like the path train tunnel to jersey, it would flood the entire system. this dude walks into workplaces like my sister’s – which is an interfaith disaster relief spot – all over the city, and no one seems to really care. this is where i have that issue – culture of fear vs culture of reality. stupid stupid stupid gov’t – HELP US.

and, i have been thinking lately that I MISS MICHAEL JACKSON!! like the old michael. i miss him. i miss thriller michael, and baby michael, and even remember the times michael. as they go to sweep out neverland’s empty rooms and turn off the lights, i want to just raise a candle for old michael. are you with me?

its the anniversary week when we first bombed the crap out of iraq, i wrote a political blog for the league – www.indyvoter.org/leaguetalksback – check that out. that’s the backdrop of the depression i have been feeling for some time, one big wall in the house of pain.

i spent a lot of today with dani chale ho commiserating ourselves into a joyful places cause we are both making major moves in our lives and there’s a lot of sadness around it, but then there’s also a lot of excitement and joy and growth! oh i have news for you!! hee hee – next blog…

V

i’ve been feeling schizophrenic lately – i used this word with someone who grew up with a schizophrenic and have felt like an asshole since, i just don’t know a better way to describe it…half completely cynical and why bother doing this work, the problems are so so deep seated and overwhelming. it’s easy to start to disconnect from the idea of freedom and lose your way in the real world. especially now, in more complacent times. it’s easy to kind of want to just go post up on an island and write and stop living juxtaposed to this mess. especially when i have other things going on, like telling the heartbreaker in a very final way to leave me alone for real for real.

the other half (or more literally, another part) of me is constantly like have hope, have faith, people you love will not survive your giving up. you have to let love win.

but then i feel like so far historically no one on the side of justice has gotten it right either, where is a truly, non-symbolic, long-term shift in how things get done? everyone just falls into these little boxes of identity and wants comfort and thus the game is played.

but then i remember all the little instances in which things actually have changed and…well you see what happens. my corny ass still gets completely hurt by the horrific shit that happens and completely filled by the small victories…so i usually conclude that through righteous dreams and genuine action i must do my work, i have no other options. genuine action is a new thing i am pondering…i think only when you genuinely feel moved to act does your action carry weight…more on this later.

so then i see something like v for vendetta, which is a comic book made movie and makes my simple ass feel very happy, because something is addressed head on in the art world, which in the real world no one will/can discuss. other than going to space, seeing normal folks rise up against oppressive regimes is my number one goal in life. that’s part of the power of this film, a bunch of NORMAL people get dressed up to watch an empty building get blown up. almost  everyone i know now who considers themself an organizer kind of only wants to be around other organizers. but we organizers are boring, life is happening outside our bubble. that’s why i think we continually come up short in this struggle.

IN OTHER NEWS, i have been going to the gym like a maniac, but today i woke up in super fat girl mode.

here’s the rub about being a woman who wrestles with her weight, y’all. i often ask, why would anyone ever want to get with a fat girl? i don’t get it? i have ways of dealing with it such that i have lots of good loving. when someone i am really attracted to seems to want to get down, i switch on sexy ‘thick’ girl self and go with it and we have a great time. unfortunately, sexy thick girl is not a permanent fixture, i have to conjure her up, and when the partner leaves, she often leaves too.

whenever i have a fight with the heartbreaker, its partially an internal fight between fat girl and sexy thick girl as well. like – are you an asshole because i am fat or because you are an asshole?? and how far would mercury have to be in retrograde to make your behavior acceptable? in any case, i’m done investing in shit that doesn’t return anything to me. i’ve erased the number from my phone, i sent the official leave me alone forever email and i am moving on. for the last time! again. bollocks!

but really? i am going to the gym, i am eating healthy food, i’m taking no bullshit, i’m going to love love love me, or at least fake it till i make it.

you can’t go back!

new number one question for my list of shit to say NO to: "yo, i’m at chuck e cheese with the kid, wanna come?"

the chuck e cheese word association you should ignore: ‘ohmigod i totally had my 6th birthday party there, it was heaven!!’

the mistake you shouldn’t repeat? rolling a slow sore body (last night: pilates and yoga. this morning? kickboxing! we did a special dance shake move in there which helped me to see how little i resemble shakira in the hip area) away from a perfectly good remote controlled saturday porn intake.

we can explore that some other time.

so i did it, i threw on clothes, i patted my new super short hair, and i went on over. i ran up a down escalator.

ack! yes, it was broken!

i so almost let that just sit there half true!

any, i slipped past the long line up to the front past the glares and ropes. i slipped past the tapping toe mamas who let me know, "you have to wait in line." i got to the front desk area where a team of four people waited to block me.

"hi i need to go in there!"
"yeah, so does everyone in line ma’am. are you stamped?"
"oh no i was waiting in line and then i had to get out and i guess they went in…" lies lies lies! evans had called me from inside to let me know this was the most-likely-to-work lie.
"yeah well, you have to wait in the line…and get stamped!"
"by myself?"
"yup"
"what does the stamping mean tho?"
"everyone’s stamped ma’am. you have to get stamped. if you aren’t stamped i can’t let you in."
"but you have the stamping machine right there. i can call them to prove they are inside already…you want me to call them?"
"no i want you to go get in line."
"but -"
"look ma’am, -"
"there they are!!!"

and there they were! evans and jalen in the pizza line right in front of us. the They let me thru – they even stamped me – and i slipped into the madness. i realized that evans was alone with the kid, and that i was reinforcement.

let me here acknowledge that i sometimes exaggerate, just a little bit. i am not going to be doing any of that in the following paragraphs. what you are about to read is precise.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing compares to the 8th level of hell that is chuck e cheese!! here are the top ten rules of this dark, dark place:

1. you will get smothered in ‘i am a winner’ stickers as soon as you get in the pizza line. they will all fall off – someone underdid the sticky stuff. luckily, someone else’s job is to keep about 300 all over the floor so there’s always a replacement.

2. you will only get a table once you order. no one will help you fight the masses for a table. the exercise of finding a table is to warm you up for the rest of the day of battling with adults. the table thing means two adults are necessary to every child, cause someone needs to stay with the table while someone else gets the pizza, soda, finds the kid when they go out of sight, etc.

3. it will cost one token per game. a coupon for 15 will, laughably, SEEM generous. then, it will become painfully clear that no kid can be satisfied with less than a cup full of hundreds of the little gold coins. the kids, fast learning hustlers, all run up to the games and wait for a sucker like you to come along and put in a token so they can fight over the controls. only with a parent does a kid stand a chance of playing a game they ‘paid’ for.

4. for a moment, you will be shocked by the way other parents push your kid away from the games, steal the prize tickets and encourage their kids to cheat. then you will become a beast, screaming at someone’s brat to STOP STEALING THE HOOPZ BALL!!!! because its your kid’s turn to miss the basket.

5. only greasy pizza and vanilla coke will satiate you in this state. this is particularly true if you haven’t drunk soda in years. your mouth will become a soda vacuum, even as your brain does an internal powerpoint on how gross soda is. the kid you came with will have no desire to eat the pizza, and in some combo of boredom and desperation you may eat all the toppings while you wait. at some point you will wonder if cheese and pizza toppings are even a little bit south beachy? not that you’re even doing south beach, but your mind will be wandering in an attempt to escape the screaming of the two year old right behind you.

6. other kid’s fathers will look at you inappropriately, and the mothers will see that and use it against your kid on the game floor. as a result of that and general vibe, you will think all kinds of horrible things about humanity. you will consider introducing choice-for-all legislation where, when you test positively pregnant, you have to come to a place like this for three hours and can only continue your pregnancy if you don’t hit anyone. the kids are all so cute, even the evil ones. its the parents who make you realize it may be the end of times for this species.

7. you will stand behind the kid you came with at a dinosaur-themed two
player video game and, not looking at the mother behind the kid playing
against your kid, you will scream, "JUMP RUN RUN RUN JUMP JUMP RUN RUN
RUN NOW JUMP, YOU’RE BEATING HIM, YES YES, THAT’S IT, HIS DINO IS UGLY,
HE’S SLOW, HE SUCKS, RUN RUN JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMPJUMP
RUUUUUUUUN!!!! YES YES YES YES!!!!" she will be screaming the same
thing and if your kid loses, you will suck your teeth and not look at
That Bitch. if you win you will jump down to grab the tickets and try
to convince the kid to be as excited as you are. then in shame you will
go sit down.

8. before its over, you and several other adults will be elbow smashing each other at the easiest machines to try to get more tickets so your kid can leave with a new toy. no one has told you for sure that the tickets lead to toys, you just figure what the hell else can the tickets be for? shit, just in case, pump that elbow! you will finally get a whopping 308 tickets, which seems awesome, until you go to the toy window and see that the best toys are 4000 tickets. you will smile and tell your kid that the best gifts are kept under glass at the bottom and that yes, a rubber snake is totally worth all the games he played.

9. after two hours, the tasty pizza will morph into a gassy tummy ache!

10. you will thank god for every period cramp that occurs during that time, understanding the correlation between that pain and this pain.

sigh.

at the end i realized with delight that i came with a kid who was not an asshole, at all. yeah man…jalen is an awesome kid. other kids, including girls, will push this kind of kid around. he knows they aren’t nice, he already knows that. and yet he will throw on a big smile and move to the next game and he is prettier than all of them and when it was time to go and he gave me the big hug and whispered that he would miss me, it was worth the whole horrific thing.

sigh. now – off to sleep so i can wake up to gospel aerobics tomorrow!!

but just a word to the wise – you aren’t 6 no more and you can’t go back.

you can’t go back!

new number one question for my list of shit to say NO to: "yo, i’m at chuck e cheese with the kid, wanna come?"

the chuck e cheese word association you should ignore: ‘ohmigod i totally had my 6th birthday party there, it was heaven!!’

the mistake you shouldn’t repeat? rolling a slow sore body (last night: pilates and yoga. this morning? kickboxing! we did a special dance shake move in there which helped me to see how little i resemble shakira in the hip area) away from a perfectly good remote controlled saturday porn intake.

we can explore that some other time.

so i did it, i threw on clothes, i patted my new super short hair, and i went on over. i ran up a down escalator.

ack! yes, it was broken!

i so almost let that just sit there half true!

any, i slipped past the long line up to the front past the glares and ropes. i slipped past the tapping toe mamas who let me know, "you have to wait in line." i got to the front desk area where a team of four people waited to block me.

"hi i need to go in there!"
"yeah, so does everyone in line ma’am. are you stamped?"
"oh no i was waiting in line and then i had to get out and i guess they went in…" lies lies lies! evans had called me from inside to let me know this was the most-likely-to-work lie.
"yeah well, you have to wait in the line…and get stamped!"
"by myself?"
"yup"
"what does the stamping mean tho?"
"everyone’s stamped ma’am. you have to get stamped. if you aren’t stamped i can’t let you in."
"but you have the stamping machine right there. i can call them to prove they are inside already…you want me to call them?"
"no i want you to go get in line."
"but -"
"look ma’am, -"
"there they are!!!"

and there they were! evans and jalen in the pizza line right in front of us. the They let me thru – they even stamped me – and i slipped into the madness. i realized that evans was alone with the kid, and that i was reinforcement.

let me here acknowledge that i sometimes exaggerate, just a little bit. i am not going to be doing any of that in the following paragraphs. what you are about to read is precise.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing compares to the 8th level of hell that is chuck e cheese!! here are the top ten rules of this dark, dark place:

1. you will get smothered in ‘i am a winner’ stickers as soon as you get in the pizza line. they will all fall off – someone underdid the sticky stuff. luckily, someone else’s job is to keep about 300 all over the floor so there’s always a replacement.

2. you will only get a table once you order. no one will help you fight the masses for a table. the exercise of finding a table is to warm you up for the rest of the day of battling with adults. the table thing means two adults are necessary to every child, cause someone needs to stay with the table while someone else gets the pizza, soda, finds the kid when they go out of sight, etc.

3. it will cost one token per game. a coupon for 15 will, laughably, SEEM generous. then, it will become painfully clear that no kid can be satisfied with less than a cup full of hundreds of the little gold coins. the kids, fast learning hustlers, all run up to the games and wait for a sucker like you to come along and put in a token so they can fight over the controls. only with a parent does a kid stand a chance of playing a game they ‘paid’ for.

4. for a moment, you will be shocked by the way other parents push your kid away from the games, steal the prize tickets and encourage their kids to cheat. then you will become a beast, screaming at someone’s brat to STOP STEALING THE HOOPZ BALL!!!! because its your kid’s turn to miss the basket.

5. only greasy pizza and vanilla coke will satiate you in this state. this is particularly true if you haven’t drunk soda in years. your mouth will become a soda vacuum, even as your brain does an internal powerpoint on how gross soda is. the kid you came with will have no desire to eat the pizza, and in some combo of boredom and desperation you may eat all the toppings while you wait. at some point you will wonder if cheese and pizza toppings are even a little bit south beachy? not that you’re even doing south beach, but your mind will be wandering in an attempt to escape the screaming of the two year old right behind you.

6. other kid’s fathers will look at you inappropriately, and the mothers will see that and use it against your kid on the game floor. as a result of that and general vibe, you will think all kinds of horrible things about humanity. you will consider introducing choice-for-all legislation where, when you test positively pregnant, you have to come to a place like this for three hours and can only continue your pregnancy if you don’t hit anyone. the kids are all so cute, even the evil ones. its the parents who make you realize it may be the end of times for this species.

7. you will stand behind the kid you came with at a dinosaur-themed two
player video game and, not looking at the mother behind the kid playing
against your kid, you will scream, "JUMP RUN RUN RUN JUMP JUMP RUN RUN
RUN NOW JUMP, YOU’RE BEATING HIM, YES YES, THAT’S IT, HIS DINO IS UGLY,
HE’S SLOW, HE SUCKS, RUN RUN JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMPJUMP
RUUUUUUUUN!!!! YES YES YES YES!!!!" she will be screaming the same
thing and if your kid loses, you will suck your teeth and not look at
That Bitch. if you win you will jump down to grab the tickets and try
to convince the kid to be as excited as you are. then in shame you will
go sit down.

8. before its over, you and several other adults will be elbow smashing each other at the easiest machines to try to get more tickets so your kid can leave with a new toy. no one has told you for sure that the tickets lead to toys, you just figure what the hell else can the tickets be for? shit, just in case, pump that elbow! you will finally get a whopping 308 tickets, which seems awesome, until you go to the toy window and see that the best toys are 4000 tickets. you will smile and tell your kid that the best gifts are kept under glass at the bottom and that yes, a rubber snake is totally worth all the games he played.

9. after two hours, the tasty pizza will morph into a gassy tummy ache!

10. you will thank god for every period cramp that occurs during that time, understanding the correlation between that pain and this pain.

sigh.

at the end i realized with delight that i came with a kid who was not an asshole, at all. yeah man…jalen is an awesome kid. other kids, including girls, will push this kind of kid around. he knows they aren’t nice, he already knows that. and yet he will throw on a big smile and move to the next game and he is prettier than all of them and when it was time to go and he gave me the big hug and whispered that he would miss me, it was worth the whole horrific thing.

sigh. now – off to sleep so i can wake up to gospel aerobics tomorrow!!

but just a word to the wise – you aren’t 6 no more and you can’t go back.

you can’t go back!

new number one question for my list of shit to say NO to: "yo, i’m at chuck e cheese with the kid, wanna come?"

the chuck e cheese word association you should ignore: ‘ohmigod i totally had my 6th birthday party there, it was heaven!!’

the mistake you shouldn’t repeat? rolling a slow sore body (last night: pilates and yoga. this morning? kickboxing! we did a special dance shake move in there which helped me to see how little i resemble shakira in the hip area) away from a perfectly good remote controlled saturday porn intake.

we can explore that some other time.

so i did it, i threw on clothes, i patted my new super short hair, and i went on over. i ran up a down escalator.

ack! yes, it was broken!

i so almost let that just sit there half true!

any, i slipped past the long line up to the front past the glares and ropes. i slipped past the tapping toe mamas who let me know, "you have to wait in line." i got to the front desk area where a team of four people waited to block me.

"hi i need to go in there!"
"yeah, so does everyone in line ma’am. are you stamped?"
"oh no i was waiting in line and then i had to get out and i guess they went in…" lies lies lies! evans had called me from inside to let me know this was the most-likely-to-work lie.
"yeah well, you have to wait in the line…and get stamped!"
"by myself?"
"yup"
"what does the stamping mean tho?"
"everyone’s stamped ma’am. you have to get stamped. if you aren’t stamped i can’t let you in."
"but you have the stamping machine right there. i can call them to prove they are inside already…you want me to call them?"
"no i want you to go get in line."
"but -"
"look ma’am, -"
"there they are!!!"

and there they were! evans and jalen in the pizza line right in front of us. the They let me thru – they even stamped me – and i slipped into the madness. i realized that evans was alone with the kid, and that i was reinforcement.

let me here acknowledge that i sometimes exaggerate, just a little bit. i am not going to be doing any of that in the following paragraphs. what you are about to read is precise.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing compares to the 8th level of hell that is chuck e cheese!! here are the top ten rules of this dark, dark place:

1. you will get smothered in ‘i am a winner’ stickers as soon as you get in the pizza line. they will all fall off – someone underdid the sticky stuff. luckily, someone else’s job is to keep about 300 all over the floor so there’s always a replacement.

2. you will only get a table once you order. no one will help you fight the masses for a table. the exercise of finding a table is to warm you up for the rest of the day of battling with adults. the table thing means two adults are necessary to every child, cause someone needs to stay with the table while someone else gets the pizza, soda, finds the kid when they go out of sight, etc.

3. it will cost one token per game. a coupon for 15 will, laughably, SEEM generous. then, it will become painfully clear that no kid can be satisfied with less than a cup full of hundreds of the little gold coins. the kids, fast learning hustlers, all run up to the games and wait for a sucker like you to come along and put in a token so they can fight over the controls. only with a parent does a kid stand a chance of playing a game they ‘paid’ for.

4. for a moment, you will be shocked by the way other parents push your kid away from the games, steal the prize tickets and encourage their kids to cheat. then you will become a beast, screaming at someone’s brat to STOP STEALING THE HOOPZ BALL!!!! because its your kid’s turn to miss the basket.

5. only greasy pizza and vanilla coke will satiate you in this state. this is particularly true if you haven’t drunk soda in years. your mouth will become a soda vacuum, even as your brain does an internal powerpoint on how gross soda is. the kid you came with will have no desire to eat the pizza, and in some combo of boredom and desperation you may eat all the toppings while you wait. at some point you will wonder if cheese and pizza toppings are even a little bit south beachy? not that you’re even doing south beach, but your mind will be wandering in an attempt to escape the screaming of the two year old right behind you.

6. other kid’s fathers will look at you inappropriately, and the mothers will see that and use it against your kid on the game floor. as a result of that and general vibe, you will think all kinds of horrible things about humanity. you will consider introducing choice-for-all legislation where, when you test positively pregnant, you have to come to a place like this for three hours and can only continue your pregnancy if you don’t hit anyone. the kids are all so cute, even the evil ones. its the parents who make you realize it may be the end of times for this species.

7. you will stand behind the kid you came with at a dinosaur-themed two
player video game and, not looking at the mother behind the kid playing
against your kid, you will scream, "JUMP RUN RUN RUN JUMP JUMP RUN RUN
RUN NOW JUMP, YOU’RE BEATING HIM, YES YES, THAT’S IT, HIS DINO IS UGLY,
HE’S SLOW, HE SUCKS, RUN RUN JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMPJUMP
RUUUUUUUUN!!!! YES YES YES YES!!!!" she will be screaming the same
thing and if your kid loses, you will suck your teeth and not look at
That Bitch. if you win you will jump down to grab the tickets and try
to convince the kid to be as excited as you are. then in shame you will
go sit down.

8. before its over, you and several other adults will be elbow smashing each other at the easiest machines to try to get more tickets so your kid can leave with a new toy. no one has told you for sure that the tickets lead to toys, you just figure what the hell else can the tickets be for? shit, just in case, pump that elbow! you will finally get a whopping 308 tickets, which seems awesome, until you go to the toy window and see that the best toys are 4000 tickets. you will smile and tell your kid that the best gifts are kept under glass at the bottom and that yes, a rubber snake is totally worth all the games he played.

9. after two hours, the tasty pizza will morph into a gassy tummy ache!

10. you will thank god for every period cramp that occurs during that time, understanding the correlation between that pain and this pain.

sigh.

at the end i realized with delight that i came with a kid who was not an asshole, at all. yeah man…jalen is an awesome kid. other kids, including girls, will push this kind of kid around. he knows they aren’t nice, he already knows that. and yet he will throw on a big smile and move to the next game and he is prettier than all of them and when it was time to go and he gave me the big hug and whispered that he would miss me, it was worth the whole horrific thing.

sigh. now – off to sleep so i can wake up to gospel aerobics tomorrow!!

but just a word to the wise – you aren’t 6 no more and you can’t go back.

the saddest lines

i love that line from neruda, something like tonight i can write the saddest lines; some friday nights rub up against you that way. one funny thing about moments of clarity with yourself is that you have to then contend with your wide and contradictory set of emotions.

one emotional journey i have been on lately is that of falling out of love. with lots of things. i have a quote on my kitchen cabinet – ‘we love because it is the only true adventure’. nikki giovanni said that. so then falling out of love is sort of these parallel stories unfolding: on one hand, i am falling out of love primarily because i am starting to fall head over heels For Myself in a genuine, non-egotistical, fundamental way that allows no compromises in making sure my needs are met. and understanding that my needs are emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, sometimes irrational, consistently real.

on the other hand, i feel like i am flexing and strengthening a muscle designed to help me resist what i’ve become adept at seeking: adventures that repeatedly prove dangerous. i never had any goal to be Not In Love at 27, or to be honing a skill of protection that could have me not in love for quite some time.

but then, i always planned to be an idealist and a romantic, and that’s also bumping up against the pride of knowing better, the flatlands between movement and cynicism. its good to know how to spend your limited time, its good to be effective, its deep deep inside that the world will get saved…right?

and how does that go with the uprising monster inside me who just wants to sing sing sing sing? songs are pouring out of me, my voice sounds like some grown thing.

i said i was going to blog less – tonight is an exception…

yesterday i saw my heartbreaker showed up at my doorstep for a surprise visit, several hours after i saw my personal trainer. the easy unaffected feeling of our last crossing didn’t come, this time i felt the habit to Love Him start to twitch in me, i had to work hard to stay in a place of being present with him without being overwhelmed by what happens in our combined presence. last night my whole body hurt from dear David at the gym, and my heart hurt a bit too – it too had undergone a lot of squeeze, release, squeeze, flex, open, close, open. close.

a friend called me yesterday, shaky voiced, because she just needed to be held. i gave her uplifting words, but i knew exactly what she meant. we don’t want to cuddle, or be fucked with, or be groped on a dance floor, or relegated to a smile and soft core conversation…we want to be held. we know thirty is coming, we don’t want to get too good at holding ourselves.

but for now, tonight? i just did some pilates and yoga and then a long shower where i used my buffy the backside slayer bar from lush, soft tush! now i am doing a face mask, and then will settle in for some dinner, stargate season 5, in my hot little jungle room under layers of bedclothes. i’m going to hold myself, impeccably, all through the night.

ok first and foremost:

http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml

and second of all, a haiku to capture the pain i am feeling:

muscles scream ‘mercy’
personal trainer laughs: ha!
invigorating

now i can never remember the syllabic structure of haikus. but you get the point. here’s another one:

i try to stand up
my poor glutes laugh in despair
gravity triumphs

ouch!!!

that’s all today

amb

ok first and foremost:

http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml

and second of all, a haiku to capture the pain i am feeling:

muscles scream ‘mercy’
personal trainer laughs: ha!
invigorating

now i can never remember the syllabic structure of haikus. but you get the point. here’s another one:

i try to stand up
my poor glutes laugh in despair
gravity triumphs

ouch!!!

that’s all today

amb