shock

after a lovely, drama-free league retreat up on highlander, which was really pleasant…i came down the mountain.

the swerving early morning ride down the mountain made me sick, and when i got to the airport, i was exhausted from four days of travel and facilitation, and ready to be home. on my layover, i got an email that struck like a sucker punch to the nose. one of my dearest dearest friends had a tragedy, and my crew was all together, holding each other. i fumbled with the phone, trying to call or text them with my eyes watering, breath pushed out of my chest, and only the word why, why, why echoing through my mind.

they hadn’t called cause they knew i was facilitating, was busy, was working. am i that person? have i always been?

there are few people in my life i love in the way i love this friend, and i have been walking around with half a mind since i got this news. half of me began the walk to him immediately, and an emptyish shell continued the journey home to oakland. the empty shell adrienne unpacked bags, ran errands, went to dinner, tried to talk to people, got a hard ‘feedback’ call this morning that was totally legit and a long time coming, spent time strategizing on how to get through this economic moment, went to the Y to swim and start my guest membership on the path towards becoming a gym type of person, ran some more errands. then i finally i booked the ticket to go be with my folks, and i landed squarely back inside myself again.

it’s been a while since i experienced this kind of shock. i wish i could push a pause button on life, but it never works that way – everything requiring my full, mature, thoughtful and strategic attention instead speeds up, fast forwarding on split screens, a personal episode of 24. so it goes.

i’m reading a book loaned to me by my girl dani, called my revolutions, by hari kunzru. so far its a wonderful book, a thorough look at the furthest extent of privileged revolutionary thought. my mind as i read it runs the gamut of meta-self-critique – most human concerns are so trite, consumerism is disgusting and keeps us from being present and living, yet most revolutionary thought doesn’t lead to change. the assumption that there is a point is what binds us all. perhaps our belief makes it so. i’ll let you know when i have finished. i’ve simultaneously started watching mad men. two approaches to the same time period that couldn’t be more different.

the exciting news was that i took a tour of the Y today, and got the guest past to try it out. i know i want to join, the free trips are just evidence of my inability to resist a deal. im mostly joining for the pool, the low impact work out. but yoga, dance classes, steam room/sauna/jacuzzi all help. im going to swim till i can walk till i can run till i can dance.

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