I thought somebody somewhere might appreciate this. I am cracking myself up inside This is a mini-collection of inner thoughts during my doctor interactions. (Specifically the drs, cuz the nurses are super awesome and my best advocates)
1. Them: Does this hurt?
Me: A little bit.
Inner Thought: Stop stab-punching me.
2. Them: Did you cut yourself on a clamshell/sleep in a bed with fecal matter/get bitten by a rodent?
Me: No, no, and not to my knowledge.
Inner thought: I would have mentioned that one of the first 13 times I explained what happened.
3. Them: You know, this might be a reaction to a spider bite. Which wouldn’t be impacted by the anti-biotics we’ve been giving you…
Inner Thought: Really?? Not the same kind of spider bite I told you it was when I first arrived three days ago and showed you the bite marks I hope.
4. Them: Draining abcess, could lose arm, liquid pocket under flesh.
Inner Thought: Lalallalalalla, I can’t hear you!
5. Them: How is the pain?
Me: It’s pretty intense around the blisters and bites and the new red areas, when the meds wear off I can really feel a LOT.
Inner Thought: Give. Me. The. Medicine.
6. Them: Here is breakfast/lunch/dinner!
Me: Thank you!
Inner Thought: The nausea isn’t from the meds, is it?
7. Them: We’re going to have to keep you another night.
Me: Aw shucks…I am supposed to facilitate/work/travel tomorrow…
Inner Thought: I did not get this awesome haircut to sit in this hospital! Also…I am only staying here because it feels like my arm will fall off when I don’t get my meds.
8. Them: Now, tell me exactly what happened.
Me: Well, I arrived in Philly on Wednesday, and Thursday woke up with pain in my arms, by midday 7-9 bites were visible, several with double puncture wounds. I iced it, used hydrocortizone, baking soda paste, and lavender essential oil, but by Friday it was horribly swollen and I was tricked into coming to hospital where y’all checked me in.
Inner Thought: Please write this down and feel free to take pictures to go with the story and then share that with your colleagues, and I will just sleep. Ok?
9. Them: Did you have a bowel movement today?
Inner Thought: Has it come to this? So soon?
10. Them: Sorry hon, we have to give you an IV/take some more blood. Lets find a vein.
Me: Ouch. Ow. Ooh. That doesn’t feel right. Ouch.
Inner Thought: (actually can’t hear thought, as brain and body are screaming and arching away from pain of 11th vein poke in 3 days)