Author Archive for Adrienne

Napowrimo 2015

it’s Napowrimo time!! i commit to writing a poem a day for a month. this year I’ll try to have a sci-fi touch to my poems, we’ll see what happens.

first prompt: write a poem of negation.

queen aya regrets

show you love?

i’ll show you everything i know
but these are not the memories you seek
not the softer smile that blurred
as the ship lifted away from time

i cannot show how you survived on laughter and the visible heats of your skins
i cannot show you the small world where you and —-, in the too near sun, became the Queens

tasting batrimatri and stogo and shelmiiz

nothing remains of that period
{you wrote of succulent 17 hour days and adulation that changed the air around you to murder}
except these rumors you reference, from your own historic poems, which you know must be exaggeration

no one loves like that

and anyway
the memories were erased
at your request
my queen

guest blog: cheeraz gormon

while i was in st. louis i met such exquisite humans. one of them is an incredible artist-organizer-healer named cheeraz gormon. she is tenacious and brilliant. a few days after we left st. louis, her book In the Midst of Loving came out. she posted this on facebook that day, and i just wanted to pass on to y’all who she is, how much she is feeling on behalf of herself, her family, the place and people she loves. this is the kind of wisdom you gain by living.

“Today, my mother and I walked in court to endure the last of the painful journey regarding my brother’s death. Part of this process included me reading, “Impact Statements,” one written by my mother, and one from me. For me, this process was like holding a third funeral for my brother, except the person who murdered my brother was present, along with his family, the other victims, officers of the court, a judge, domestic violence prevention advocates, and other strangers. My hands shook uncontrollably, at one point I thought I was going to fall because my equilibrium was knocked off, at points I had to stop, take deep breath and wipe tears away as the prosecuting attorney did her best to support me. And by the grace of God, I got through it.

As to be expected, the young man that took John’s life was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole or probation, and he was sentenced to almost an extra 100-years for the other crimes he was found guilty of.

The judge told him point-blank, ‘You will die in jail.’

These events have weighed heavy on me for various reasons, because just like my brother’s Black Life Mattered, the young man that took my brother’s life, his Black Life Matters. The lives of that young man’s children, three beautiful little girls whose lives he has damaged with his actions, their Black Lives Matter. The young woman, the mother of his children, who had been taking abuse from him all these years, her Black Life Matters!

While that young man may be sentenced to life in prison, he has not been sentenced to death. So as long as he has breath in his body, he has the ability to change, to atone for what he’s done, and to be a different type of person. The choice will be his.

On this Spring Equinox evening, I ask you all to hold my family and all families affected by domestic and community violence in your heart and to send us love and light, as we enter this new chapter and energy.”

blog changes

hello loves

first, skim your eyes up! the new blog art was created by my dear friend joshua gabriel, a sound and visual artist and father living in brooklyn. he tuned in to all the things i love and created this blog mural for our viewing pleasure.

i am also moving away from calling the blog ‘the luscious satyagraha’ – while i love the concepts in those words (being a sensual force of truth and light), i have also been sitting with the idea of my cultural responsibility, and that it is fine and abundant to claim that which is of my own lineage, and my own language. but satyagraha, while personally inspiring in translation, has a context i cannot pretend to grasp.

also too, people just tend to call it my blog. so it’s just adrienne’s blog, and the new cover art can let you know more about what it concerns – magic, space, emergence, change, leaving/existing beyond this plane of existence, transformation.

what isn’t changing is the ‘write what i like’ spirit of content here. and if you like it you can always become a member so i know you’re reading.

enjoy :)

thank you octavia

so now the most anticipated thing in my life thus far has come to pass. after a five year gestation period where it appeared the child/project would take on various forms, octavia’s brood: science fiction from social justice movements is in the world, and co-editor walidah imarisha and myself are tour planning, about to travel the country and read, workshop, dance and celebrate.

the book itself feels good.

skintoskinwithbook

and it’s so beautiful, thanks to the incredible cover design from the prolific graphic artist john jennings.

i have been thinking of octavia butler all weekend, the black science fiction writer who we honor with the title and spirit of this project. i just wanted to take a moment to offer up my deep and sincere gratitude.

thank you octavia, for being such a dedicated and complex being. you are my positive obsession.

thank you for seeing outside of the now you were living in, for imagining beyond this moment, imagining new problems, solutions, social formations.

thank you for the directness of your writing, for being so accessible.

thank you for being so beautiful and strange. for demanding space to be seen and heard, shaping the world, shaping god.

it is a gift to have such an ancestor in the lineage of my calling, and i hope that this collection makes you proud, if pride exists in whatever dimension you’re currently exploring. if not, i hope you feel a burst of joy, of love, feel immersed in the waves of appreciation that those of us living today and working to wake ourselves and others up feel for your alarm bell brilliance.

this is not the beginning of honoring you, and it is not nearly the end.

at one of our early octavia events, in seattle, poet-goddess christa bell spoke of how ancestors who are remembered live in light and warmth, and those forgotten are left in the dank cold. we hope the fire burns particularly bright for you now.

thank you.

a time traveling emotion

in the moment, i was not ready to feel the feeling, my skin too firm, my faith too solid. when the future all seemed ahead of me, it was easier to fold an emotion into me and believe it was gone, or at least silenced.

when my feelings started to work their way back out of me, to the surface, i was overwhelmed. i put my hands over my mouth to hold it in, but it didn’t matter, i was brimming, screaming.

i am not the only one like this, it may be a human condition, or an empath condition, or a black girl magic. it may even be an epidemic of consciousness. i am not convinced we get to know that.

but in my twenties, when i was gutshaking about things that were leaping out of me like emo tweens, that’s when i learned about the time traveling emotion.

it is like anything else that traverses time, both fully of another time and fully present in the place when it appears. in the case of grief, the time traveling emotion touches into your sadness over a present day experience of absence, and then drags forward a living satchel of the most tender innocent moments, the smallest memory. or perhaps sucks your heart back in time.

my grandfather, impossibly big and godly, hugging me, in his own garage, just out of the near-georgia sun, with the smell of hay and horses around us. it isn’t just the senses, but the complex spectrum of a moment completely felt.

the more i learn to feel, the less time it takes a time traveling emotion to catch me. years instead of decades, hours instead of months, seconds instead of weeks.

i am even learning, sometimes/more often, to feel in real time. and to survive feeling a whole emotion in real time.

with less shame, i say no to anything that wastes my time. i gather and give myself hours that belong to no one else, alone or with healer types. i claim time when i can be in my body and self. and in that solitude, or healing company, i become a defined place for a time traveling emotion to locate, an x on the nonlinear map of my emotional life.

the emotion is a living thing – showing one face when it arrives, and as it leaves i see it’s really a pattern, delta-ish, blood in veins connecting aspects of myself as disparate as lung and toe.

music is one of the systems by which emotions traverse time, both in tone, content and something as simple as age. some emotions stay in the soundtrack of their root memory. there is a janet jackson song that opens the way to an emotion of innocence. a new song can surprise me when it opens the way to something dusty and eager to be felt.

each time traveling emotion softens me, especially those that return often. it’s so humbling to feel something in spite of logic, time, circumstance and thinking the feeling is finished. grief is a sharp visitor, her long nails a surprise in my chest. heartbreak is heavy and fireworky, like full body tears, swollen eyes. joy melts my jaw.

it’s all waves though, moving towards and up, through and beyond. and once i’ve survived an emotion that has reached across time to demand my attention, i feel so resilient. that resilience makes me soft and wide enough to handle the complex mercurial existence of the present moment.

i trust myself to feel, to grow from what i feel, not to run when i sense a feeling coming.

i am a student of this phenomenon that makes time a shape shifter. i still fold moments of particular intensity into me. but now i do so with a bit of a spell attached: i promise, i will be ready for you when you find me.

report back: loving on st louis

“we need this. we have needed this.”

spannaltaderrek

that is what we heard over and over from the people who showed up to saint john’s church on grand avenue in st. louis this past week. i am now reflecting at home after an incredible and intense week as part of a healing justice team from generative somatics and BOLD who flew in from detroit, new york, cali, hawaii, miami.

lisaalta

deniseprentis

we were invited and anchored by patrisse marie cullors-brignac, cofounder of #blacklivesmatter, founder/co-director of dignity and power now, and general sister goddess extraordinaire. she collaborated with the brilliant ashley yates, one of the first st. louis activists to call the nation to attention. it’s something else to be in either of these women’s presence. both at the same time? black girl magic.

patrissestarsky

ashleystarsky

our host at saint john’s UCC was reverend starsky, who really does give me andre 3000 pulpit edition, and president marco, who gives hugs that feel like rearrangements. they are flanked by uncle/brother cornelius and kara, who took care of everything we could need, and camielle, who hung in with every single thing we did the whole week.

these blessed people have been offering up a space and structure for healing, gathering, song, prayer and growth for a long time. seven months ago their church became one respite in the war that the st. louis police department is waging against the people. so that’s where we went.

i tried to write y’all while we were there, but i couldn’t. the place is both too beautiful and too heavy. and i actually wasn’t even alone to write or reflect the whole week, except for a few ten minute showers. those who know me well will know how incredible the week was, because i didn’t notice not being alone, i just felt love, love and purpose, the whole time.

adaku

octavia butler reminded us that ‘god is change'; st. louis is a city overflowing with god. the conditions and mood change constantly, and each person we met showed that same ever mercurial energy, along and under the surface. they had other jobs, and loves, lives and grief, often very fresh grief, when they were called on to become the front line of a defensive battle.

that is, when mike brown was murdered.

mikebrown1

i have to share with y’all about where mike died. not anything new, but something deeply felt. it is different to see something on the news, and then to touch and breathe it.

on our last night in town, after days of healing and loving up on st. louis, we went to the place where he was gunned down. i always knew it was out in the open, i’ve seen the pictures and film. but there are so many windows looking at the street he ghosts. there it is…on a major street in a housing complex where a thousand eyes of all ages were able to easily look out from their living rooms, bedrooms, kitchens.

as we pulled up, a young boy walked across the street. as he stepped off the curb i wanted to build a fortress around him, knowing it’s impossible, knowing there are so many boys like him. one of the grown men we did healing work with wept as he spoke of being young, large, awkward and black – feeling the fear people had of him in the face of his innocence.

mike was murdered in a neighborhood ringed by three story apartment buildings, many of which now stand empty. he was murdered on a road folks speed down, between a busy parking lot and a slew of yards and balconies. there are two monuments where he died, one long and slender in the middle of the street, the other a mountain around the base of a streetlamp nearby. they are primarily constructed of stuffed animals – teddy bears, toy elephants, soft floppy birds, pink puppies. mixed into this pyre of toys are candles, letters, protest signs, sandals and shoes, v for vendetta masks, flyers, folded banners, cardinals hats, jerseys, photographs.

mikebrown2

mike’s face looks out from the pile, his beautiful young face. his familiar stranger face.

the fur of the toys gives the effect of a muted rainbow in the yellow lamplight, pressed upon by time, slumped, tainted. these teddy bears have been through the first winter mike missed. toys. it’s so sad, so devastating, so enraging.

rage. there is no other way to speak of it. i can’t find anything beautiful in it.

when i stepped from the sidewalk onto the street, my gut started shaking and didn’t stop until we drove away. it’s a stained tar middle passage – the body knows when it crosses a place of hate.

“we who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes.”

after the memorial we went to the ferguson police department, one night after the police chief stepped down and two officers were shot. there were black activists holding the center – ‘if we don’t get it, shut it down’ – white activists, clergy, politicians.

i have been many places where we yelled ‘no justice, no peace’, and then, for a million reasons, we went home. but in st. louis right now, the truth of those words is so palpable – i feel it in my bones. this is the gift st. louis has given the nation. this small, tight knit, intimate, imperfect place has been showing us, for 216 days now, what it means to deny any myth of peace in the absence of justice.

brittanycamielleprentis

being black and loving black people in an armed and militarized police nation infected with unchecked institutionalized racism is traumatizing. the shivers that journeyed my body standing across from the ferguson police department felt like intelligence. i could see the fear, the desperate longing for control on the police faces before me. armed and dangerous humans, and they are in a war against people who are…living and black. some of us are flagrantly and radically living, resisting and calling out the truth.

but the ones getting killed in this war…there’s so much innocence in the murdered ones.

and in the survivors.

“it’s so much scarier when it’s just in your head.”

the people who came to sit with us each day are the heart of this local movement that has captured international attention. they are warriors, comrades, beloveds and people of faith. many of them are young in that way that feels lit from within. several older folks came to check us out and it was humbling to see them look the younger activists in their eyes and say ‘you changed me’.

wiwo

every single person who came through our doors had trauma before, after, inside and outside of the moment on august 9 when they learned mike brown’s name and story, when they drove to ferguson and wouldn’t go home.

spannprentis

our team was led by lisa thomas-adeyemo and included alta starr, denise perry, prentis hemphill, adaku utah and myself. we centered, taught, did one on one sessions and story circles, sang, saged, practiced, listened and held everyone we could reach. we worked with people as individuals and groups to move trauma out of their bodies, and to give them practices for bringing what they care about to the center of their lives and decision making.

theteam

each day was emergent, and each day we learned more about each other’s capacity and the place we had come to. there was a lot of awe, wonder, resilience and love.

adakulisa

denisepatrisse

the work we came to do, somatics, is not about healing for the sake of individual wellness, though that is a radical act for any people slated for extinction. it is about healing trauma such that individuals and communities are not operating in reaction to oppression, and not relinquishing control over and over again because of changes outside their power. it is about organizing our lives, ourselves, around what we most care about and long for. and then living positive, generative, whole lives from that place.

ambandprentis

there is always going to be so much devastation to react to, especially for those of us on the wrong side of racism. the trauma won’t stop. if we hope to advance, we have to find ways to move through and out of the vice grip of trauma that so drastically limits our choices.

it felt like a beginning. so much more is needed.

lisa led us in a song the last day that keeps rolling through me:

‘we gonna rise with the fire of freedom
truth is the fire that will burn our chains
stop the fire of destruction
healing is the fire running through our veins’

excerpt from Women’s History Month talk at Brown

i was invited to be the opening speaker for a month of events at Brown University’s Women’s History Month line-up. it was lovely, everyone was kind and curious. i got to hold a copy of the book for the first time, an uncorrected proof that was sent to the school. it was like tasting nirvana. i spoke about octavia’s brood, and i also shared some other thoughts i have been reflecting on. here are some of the notes:

i believe that imagination is where the world changes.

and that the imagination of women is at the very least as important as the imagination of men, if not more so, because of the way our blood and dreams and content flows through to the next generation. there is something sacred about the time of carrying a child, everything flowing between you…what you think, hear, say and dream during that time.

i also believe that the imagination of those who are marginalized and oppressed is of utmost importance. those who benefit from the systems that exist have no necessary impetus to change it with any speed. it is perhaps easy for those with abundant resources to ignore the very fucked situation we are in right now – environmentally, philosophically.

i was reading something about how 98% of species that have once lived on this planet are now extinct, and humans appear to be the reason for it, for this holocene moment. terror is a logical response.

i am supposed to be extinct.

we don’t speak of it this way, but it is what oppression actually stems from. a superiority, a deep belief inside that certain things – whiteness, maleness, certain gods – that these things give you the priority on this planet, for the resources. and someone like me, born into blackness – my ancestors continued to create through a genocide, into queerness, and gorgeously thick, and i can’t see without these glasses, and i am generally not having sex to reproduce…i am an abomination perhaps.

and yet i feel miraculous. i feel like my love is really precious and valuable.

and that i am here, we are here, we who are abominations and slated for extinction socially, and survive? we’re here to offer something really important to the world about what it means to be human, and how we can do a better job at it.

and yet according to beliefs throughout time, beliefs that other people, other americans, hold right now, many of us, i, should be extinct.

so as a creature marked for extinction, who has so far survived, i think that it is my responsibility to imagine a future in which i not only make it, not only eek by, or survive, or serve, or get a place at a table never intended for me…my imagination has to bend the world towards justice, has to stay focused on universal justice, has to make it better for those who come after me.

my blessing is that i have thrown my lot in with organizers and social justice workers for my adult life. and sometimes that has been exhausting and heart breaking, but often it has been inspiring, and at the very least i am with people who are consciously shaping the future.

this is why octavia butler’s work spoke to me, and i have read it over and over. she claims the responsibility of shaping the future. she says ‘all that you touch you change, all that you change changes you.’ ‘to shape god, shape self.’ ‘why is the universe – to shape god. why is god, to shape the universe’. this iterative process of shaping the universe is our human work, as we are also shaped by it.

we then created a feminist future together through a workshop process. in our future, menstruation/periods were seen as a healing substance, one woman was producing a chocolate cure for cancer. there was video game polyamory and subversive women’s healing circles working across class based outer space boundaries between homes and prisons. it was quite beautiful. i have stories from several writing workshops that i will be posting this month.

this is an amazing way to be with other people, creating radical futures.

science fiction TV watch list

out of pure selfish need i asked my network for recommendations of the best sci-fi television shows. i got tons of great responses! below i am sharing the list.

for each show i am including:
a link for more info
where it originally aired if i noticed it
where you can watch it
and (to help discern what’s exciting right now) i noted how many people recommended it.
i also said a few words about the shows i love (and bolded those i vouch for)…
as well as adding some of the key quotes from the recommendations!

(basically i geeked completely out in a true virgo nerd explosion)

i’ll keep adding to it as new recommendations come in. i am especially looking for shows with people of color, women, queer, disabled and different-from-mainstream protagonists.

The List

12 monkeys [SyFy; Yidio or Amazon]

The 100 [netflix]
“kind of terrible, but high production value and interesting colonial themes, but the 2nd season is super violent.”

Agents of SHIELD [Marvel!, netflix] x2

Agent Carter [Marvel, hulu] x3

Alias [netflix] x2

Alien Nation [netflix]

Almost Human [amazon]

Alphas [SyFy; netflix]

Battle of the Planets (animated) [netflix]

Battlestar Galactica x14 [BBCAmerica]
“exceptional b/c of the exploration of religion and faith from an AI’s perspective”
special credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njr3aFpTMyQ One More Episode of BSG

Beauty and the Beast [netflix]
“at least the first two seasons, the Hapa main character kicks ass. Yes, she does way too much for the white boy super soldier with PTSD, aka “the beast,” but she still kicks ass.”

Being Human [UK and US on netflix] x2

Black Mirror x11 [netflix]
“It’s science fiction that’s only about 2-5 years ahead of us, if that. And terrifying.”

Cleopatra 2525 [discs orderable from Netflix]
“but only because Gina Torres is so fine”

Continuum [netflix]
“includes a great corporate-controlled dystopian future”

Cosmos x2 [netflix]

Cowboy Bebop [hulu] (anime) x3

Dark Angel x2

Defiance [hulu]

Defying Gravity x2
(full season on youtube?)

i LOVED the first several episodes of this show and then it got cancelled – rumor has it the rest is online, i am looking for it!

Doctor Who [netflix] x4

Dollhouse [netflix] (from joss whedon!) x4

Earth 2
“great sci fi camp”

Extant [discs for order on netflix] x3
“Halle Berry plays the lead, has a creepy robot child, use a night light after watching it, lol”

Face Off [youtube]

The Fades [BBC; discs for order on netflix]

Farscape [netflix]

Firefly! [netflix] x10

this really is one of the best, most coherent and exciting shows that’s ever existed.
“one of the best ever” “the best!”

The Flash [hulu] x2
“dorky/like eating a lot of Nerds candy and getting a sugar high”

Fringe [netflix] x11
marvelous and weird and intense and love story and awesome.

Futurama (animated adult) [netflix]

FutureStatesTV [http://futurestates.tv/]

“check out Pia, has an all desi cast and almost all desi crew
also check out the Silver Sling episode”

“a platform of independent films. They are stand alone short films (15-30min) but all with a common theme of imagining the US in the future

Ghost in the Shell series (anime, including Arise) [netfix] x2

stunning storytelling

Gotham [hulu]

Harsh Realm [youtube]

Helix [netflix]

Hemlock Grove [Netflix]

Heroes [netflix] x4

Highlander [netflix]

Jeremiah [hulu] x3
“some interesting episodes”

Jericho [netflix]

Legend of the Seeker [hulu]

Les Revenants/The Returned [netflix] x3
“french zombie show”

Lost [netflix]

this show made me realize there’s not enough sci-fi happening on gorgeous deserted islands. the mystery was relaxing in all that sand and sea.

Lost Girl [netflix] x3

“was super into it, till I noticed they killed off literally every POC character and/or showed
them as animalistic, got sad, had to stop watching”

The Misfits [hulu] x5
“british version”

Mork and Mindy [can order discs on netflix]
“ha”

Orphan Black [amazon] x9

yeah this show is great – everything i could say about it would be a spoiler, but i can’t stop watching.
“best acting ever”

The Outer Limits [netflix] x2
original and new

Quantum Leap [netflix] x2

Red Dwarf [hulu]

Rick and Morty [netflix]
hilarious adult swim sci fi cartoon

Roswell [netflix]
“season 1”

Sanctuary [Sy-Fy; kind of on hulu?]

Sleepy Hollow [hulu] x2
“my fav myth growing up and they’ve added magic, American history and an interestingly cheeky reading of several founding fathers”

Stargate (Original, Universe, Atlantis) [hulu] x6

Stargate the movie was one of the first sci-fi things I ever loved, and the shows were satisfying, if a little corny and hyper-militarized.

Star Trek x3 (Original, Voyager, Enterprise!, Deep Space Nine) [hulu]

raised by a trekkie :)
“you can never go wrong”

Star Wars Clone Wars [netflix]

The Strain [FX; can order discs from netflix] x2
“Viva Guillermo del Toro!”

Strange Luck [youtube]

Supernatural [netflix]

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles x3 [discs for order on netflix]
“Second season especially is some of the best scifi I’ve ever watched. Great exploration of AI, consciousness, and morality.”

Torchwood [netflix] x2
“super high cheese factor” “spinoff from dr who”

Tomorrow People [netflix]

Twin Peaks [netflix] x2

V (old and new) [discs for order on netflix]

i preferred the original, though i liked the sexy creepy lead in the reboot.

Warehouse 13 [hulu] x2

X-files [netflix] x2

(and i was passed along this additional reference of Popular Mechanic’s top 50 Sci-Fi shows if you’re still looking for more)

#blacklivesmatter freedom song

a couple of months ago i was on a piece of special and haunted land in north carolina with BOLD. i was facilitating our national gathering, where we had a lot to look back on and look forward to – #blacklivesmatter was born of three BOLD participants and as we vision the future there is not only the terror of the ongoing and escalating violence against black and brown communities, but in this moment the joy of movement, of having thousands in the streets together, of feeling like justice is possible.

that saturday morning i woke up from a dream in which i was in a massive crowd marching, dancing, singing and blowing brass band horns to a song i had never heard before. i sang it into my phone, and then i couldn’t stop singing and humming it as i got ready. freedom song, freedom song, i got to sing my freedom song – i love my people oh i love us so. i got my freedom and i won’t let go.

then i went into the morning session where sister-doctor alexis pauline gumbs led us in a practice of chanting in small groups using the words of brilliant black feminist ancestors. my group worked with the words of harriet tubman, ‘my people are free’. as with many of the words passed down from tubman, this declaration is futuristic, complex. but as we chanted it, it became – oh – so tender, so simple, so clear that that was the truth that everything tries to make us forget. we wept and rocked and laughed together, and i can still the way each of the women in my circle co-created the opening we felt.

that evening the rest of the song came – black lives matter. black lives matter. black lives matter to me. your life matters, my life matters, black lives matter to me!

i recorded the whole thing wearing my #blacklivesmatter hoodie, my uniform for the latter half of 2014. i sent it to the BLM team for feedback and they posted it. one of the people who saw it, another brilliant black woman in the lineage of harriet tubman, is phaedra ellis-lamkins. because of her, with the help of the black lives matter team (patrisse, alicia, opal and damon), and the recording support of invincible – the song now has an incredible video full of the moments that inspired this song.

here is the video.

my next dream to sing it at a march with a brass band, dancing.

winter thoughts

That feeling when I finally have the right tool to properly scrape off the car, and my serious winter gloves, and Russian hat, and weatherproof boots, and it starts to snow. Bring it.

Today I saw the snow coming, a sky full of swollen greyish gold cloud that was almost too thick to drive through. I checked my phone in the clear cold, and when I looked up the snow was moving in every direction around me.

When I hibernate I produce less dirty laundry.

I’d like to schedule a sci fi event here, but it’s too cold.

*looks up tickets to warm places*

No. Stay put, hibernate.

*looking at shopping list*

Do I really need any of this stuff enough to leave the house?

*looks up delivery options for toilet paper*

Ooh! Just this once. One season.

*sitting in car looking at gas tank needle*

I wish there were indoor gas stations. Or like heat lamps that could safely be attached to gas thingies. It’s not at empty yet anyway.

I wonder if space heater plus humidifier equals Bali?

Oh tea! I totally forgot how awesome tea is. I wonder if I can order tea online.

I should write a rhyme to the tune of ‘it was a good day‘ but with the words today was a cold day.

Just waking up trying hard not to curse God
I’m not sure but bed frost feels kinda odd
Too chilly for stray dogs, ice fog
I miss my momma’s winter cooking, pure hog

And so on.

Winter hibernation is a beautiful thing! Yoga, somatics, meditation, tarot, burning sage and incense and frankincense, clearing inbox, cooking, catching up on laundry, writing. I’m like a bear if bears were hella active all winter.

If I don’t shave and get a haircut soon I could be mistaken for a bear. And all my hair looks beautiful to me, because it looks like warmth.

After maybe a decade of longing for a bathtub, I finally have a working tub. Now I sit in the hot water wondering: are baths environmentally hateful? I promise myself to take as few as I can and relish every moment.

In winter it’s possible to spend a whole day feeling feelings.

I chose to leave California. I missed seasons, I missed this way that water piles up on the earth after everything has stripped and slowly melts into her like an unrushed lover, how going through this extreme cold makes spring so delectable. I chose to live here and stay here. This is my empowered choice.

Do I know how to make warm choices?

People keep dying when I am in the midst of making plans to spend more time with them. All this longing is sharper in the winter.

Go for a walk. Just go outside.

Tomorrow.

*after visiting Grace* I love putting a smile on Grace’s face. She’s the only person I sing for shamelessly. Well, her and children.

If I angle the space heater directly at my face is that unhealthy?

I wonder if I can get every meeting to happen by phone or at my house. Is that wrong?

If the gig is in a warm place I’m giving them a discount.

I am meant to fly south. Where are my wings?