adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

I started doing daily morning sun salutations on January 9. I started with one, worked my way up to five, then on the guidance of my chiropractor-philosopher friend Kweli I worked my way up to 9. I’ve been doing 9 every morning for over two weeks and I am loving it.

I’ll spend march and april mostly at a retreat center with lots of yoga classes, so in part I want to get comfortable with the basics by then.

I also deeply want and need a daily physical practice which I can do anytime, anywhere, as part of my journey towards spiritual and body health.

I want to share the flow I’m in with y’all. feel free to advise, add on, or try it out, or pass it on.

1. in breath, I sunrise my hands up on either side to meet above me in prayer.
out breath, I bring praying hands down in front of my heart.

2. in breath as my prayer hands rise above my head;
out breath as I loosen my knees, tuck under my pelvis to protect my back, and fold down. hands can sunset down, or stay in prayer. once down, i let them hang, along with my head, to be a comforting gift of weight to my spine. I often stay here a few breaths and really inhale into my open back.

3. when ready, I in breath up so that my heart is open and back is flat, 90 degrees from my legs.
I out breath back down and drop my left leg back down the mat, landing the left foot at a 45 degree angle.

4. in breath I bring my arms open all the way up to what i call humble warrior pose, which I was taught as warrior 1. i check my hips here to make sure they are pivoting forward, and that i am lunging enough to feel it in my thighs.
out breath I reach my right hand forward straight ahead and left hand back straight behind, dropping my shoulders and body center into what i was taught as warrior 2, but I call reaching warrior.

5. in breath I bring both arms forward and down on either side of my right/front leg;
out breath I drop the right leg back and slowly lower myself through plank to the ground. the slower I can go the stronger I feel.
in breath I press my lower body and hands into the ground, flatten my feet so the tops of my toes are pressed into the mat, extending my upper body as far off the ground as I can, in cobra. i let my eyes lead this pose, looking up as far as possible.
out breath I come down fully to the ground, curl my toes under, and push back into down dog.

6. I measure down dog in breaths – whichever salutation I am on I take that many breaths, as slowly as possible, with as much joy and sense of capacity as possible. by the 7th, 8th and definitely 9th salutation this is trembling prayerful personal work. I often remind myself here that I am playing with my capacity in order to grow it. it is play and growth, not punishment.

7. in breath I walk my feet up to my hands, out breath I drop my right leg back, right foot landing at a 45 degree angle.

8. in breath I raise my arms into humble warrior, checking that my hips are pivoted forward, and that I can feel this stretch throughout my body.
out breath I drop my left arm to reach forward, and my right arm to reach straight back, reaching warrior. keeping my hips forward, I drop my shoulders and body center just the next step deeper.

9. in breath I step my right foot up next to left foot at the top of the mat and drop my arms and head, with pelvis tucked, into what feels like my impression of a heavy river. I out breath once more here, then in breath, straightening up one vertebrae at a time with my arms sunrising up into prayer hands, then out breath drop the prayer hands to my heart.

i usually then actually pray for a while, thanking my body for its work, my spirit for its willingness, and creation for allowing me to exist and know such a unique pleasure as completing sun salutations.

I have had lots of yoga teachers over the years. they have each offered nuggets which flow into each other when I practice.

gopal taught me that if it’s not part of a spiritual path, it’s just deep stretching. Kerri taught me to protect my body and back. angel taught me to give each pose 30%, then 50%, then 80% and then 100% based on what I am tuned into in my body. Janine reminded me to lengthen and relax my spine, kavitha reminded me it should be joyful and elegant. ilana taught me it has to be consistent. gregg taught me that sun salutations might just contain everything the body needs. every teacher has taught me that it’s about the breath first, last, foremost and utmost.

I offer all this to all the other beginners out there! especially the thick peoples who have to navigate tummies and breasts and thighs trying to feel powerful and extended and all – this flow actually feels powerful and not like i am missing anything

enjoy.

I am in Paris, and I love Paris.

yesterday and today I did my nine sun salutations in the whisper of space between my bed and the door. my view was the sun on the sacre couer. I then locked all my luggage obsessively and set out in the streets of Paris.

my first two observations on this journey:

1. cold is not negotiable. I have spent euros on silly hat and jacket because it’s actually and truly cold here.

2. language is life. to be surrounded by non-English is liberating and daunting. I messed up a few times by starting in English, then realizing my ignorance. no one likes that. it’s important to start in French, to apologize for not being fluent, to request English or amateur sign language or at least slow speaking. to start with taking responsibility, not assuming the world should accommodate my lack of preparation, my needs.

then it’s beautiful to see how we long to communicate. over and over again, a meals, on the train, in the hammam…up against the wall of language, I find myself and my non-english speaking companions mirroring each other as we repeat the words, sure that if we say it enough times, with enough gesture and desire, comprehension will just happen. sometimes it does, and we both nod vigorously and celebrate.

example 1.
me: ‘wifi? internet? computer? *typing motions, pointing to space, pulling out iPod’…
her: ..’ohhh wee-fee? oui, oui, ici Le wee-fee!!’
me: *internal backflips of joy!*

example 2.
me: ‘ou est Le…exfoliation?’ *rubbing my arm*
her: ‘er…Le massage? (string of words I don’t understand, my face of huh?)
me: ch-ch-ch-ch *frantically rubbing skin and going ooh ahh*
her: ah Le gommage? oui? c’est la, Porte un (the key her is lots of instructive pointing!)
me: *internal backflips of joy! applauding us!*

the beautiful thing is that words I learned over 10 years ago are coming back to me, the marvelous brain and it’s grooves.

now I’m off to get lost again

so.

sooooo….

I’m here in the international terminal, about to board a flight to paris and begin a journey of three months, most of it on my own. I keep expecting to wake up and I keep finding myself in this waking dream!

I have been safety checked by all my family, feted and celebrated and loved on by all of my friends, and this trip was conceived of by my love ilana weaver and is supported by over 50 people now financially and hundreds in myriad other ways – permission, truth telling, advice, favorite spots to visit, seeing me.

the importance of that – that you all are pressing love into my back and wind up under my wings – makes this possible. I literally would have never made it without my community. everyone should experience this beloved community, being seen and held and loved by more people than I can ever properly thank.

my intentions are to love myself more, trust myself more, and learn about my health and my peace on this journey.

I’ll be in touch

i just realized that I am deeply branded on this journey I am about to embark on – I have been seeking the best ways to minimalize my belongings for the next three months while maximizing my style, creativity and health. I am a huge fan of things that are high quality so I don’t have to buy/own a lot of stuff, but what i have feels good, looks good, smells good, aligns with my principles, and is good to the planet.

here’s what I love so far:

1. ex-officio underwear. these feel great, are treated with some scientific stuff to resist grossness, and you can wash them in the sink and they dry in two hours so you can literally travel with 2-4 pair and be good for a long time. these are the drawers of the future.

2. trudy miller. Trudy makes zero waste convertible pieces of tight stretchy magic that can be layered or worn alone as shirts, skirts, belts, cowls, scarves, dresses or whatever else you come up with. this is my primary clothing item for the trip because I can wear her pieces every day and never have the same outfit on. William Gibson foresaw this clothing in Idoru.

3. tom’s. one pair of toms flats and a new pair of tom’s wrap boots are my primary shoes for places where sandals aren’t enough. I love their business model and the comfort of their shoes. I also got a pair of saucony sneakers for a more bright freshness look, those feel incredible for the walking I need to do to truly get lost in each city.

4. manduka. I am slowly making yoga a key spiritual and physical practice in my life, one sun salutation at a time. I know that I want to have the freedom to do yoga wherever I go, but all the mats i found were too big to travel with. a yogi friend quickly pointed me in the right direction – manduka has a full size biodegradable mat that folds into a slender square to slip into luggage. woot!

5. eagle creek – my travel towel and security belts are small, lightweight, necessary pieces that are made perfectly.

6. muji! I generally love muji items, everything is made in the spirit of brilliant, simple, small design. all my socks (recycled fabric) and writing utensils for this trip are muji. just being in the store makes me feel happy about the kind of eco-friendly minimalist design we could live in.

7. the diva cup! I don’t have to worry about buying tampons and pads around the world, I just have my diva cup which takes up almost no space and can handle everything I and the moon throw at her. I feel like a goddess during my periods because of this little cup; no woman should continue building a mountain of used tampons and pads in the world if the diva cup works for her.

I’ll keep you posted on other perfect travel things as I find them, and the folks who make them. feel free to add your favorites to this list.

it has been hard to write for the past week – too much to write about! I need to write about Etta James, and about heading on sabbatical, and the beautiful work I am getting to do in the last moments before my sabbatical. I say ‘need to’ loosely because – there are lots of words in me, and I am also liberating myself from doing anything from a place of obligation.

here is something alive in me today.

I was journaling this morning about the kind of spaces I want to create in the world, and it occurred to me that I want to create spaces people long to be a part of – space folks desire to be, but don’t feel obligated to be. radically deep choice.

then I wrote this sentence: ‘I want to open spaces free of manipulation. I want to invite people to be themselves without secretly placing restrictions and boundaries on what that means.’

this is a crystal clear longing I have for all humans.

my friend sterling, who I have called our detroit bodhisattva (which he resists in an enlightened way), calls himself a dressing room where people can try on their true selves without judgement. I feel like the space he creates allows this wholeness and healing to be present wherever he is. I see the impact it has on everyone he meets.

I wish all of us who call ourselves agents of change, facilitators, organizers, activists, intermediaries or anything else in that vein, were holding this way of being.

too often, I feel our work is fundamentally toxified by manipulation – we want to open people to their power and transformation, but only in order to get what we want in the world. it’s ego driven, it’s…not good. we want to change the world by making everyone else change, instead of changing the world by changing ourselves.

and to be fair, we say we want to change ourselves. but actions do speak louder: we still compete, sneak, manipulate, disrespect, accumulate power, build stories of enemies and allies, complain, self-victimize. i do these things, in the spirit of getting food justice and direct democracy and, whatever important thing i want in that moment. I am always amazed when I actually articulate what’s driving my work – I want people to see and want…what I want. genuinely, for themselves, but still exactly as I see it.

and i hear this from other organizers and facilitators in lots of ways, over and over. we need to do ‘this’ so that people will understand ‘this’ and then we can have ‘this’. we want community power, but only if that yields the visions we hold in our own hearts, each vision radically different and often unexplored.

the dissonance between the world we say we want, and the way treat other human beings in pursuit of that world, leaves us strategizing and movement building outside of integrity and authenticity, wondering why we don’t succeed.

I am going on sabbatical in part because I need to regenerate my faith in humanity to be in relationship with each other without manipulation. because I don’t know that we deserve to exist, we humans, if we cannot learn to love each other beyond our desire to manipulate each other, and to create space and society which is about people’s wholeness…not their ‘number-ness’, their body and politic which we can use to achieve this or that campaign. but their wholeness, because we deserve to see ourselves, and humanity, in wholeness. healed.

those are the only spaces I want to hold and be held in, not as an ideal, or righteous vision, but because it feels fundamental to our survival to forsake manipulation as a form of organizing and being, now. i daresay its time to flood ourselves inside and out with respect; to open space for mutual transformation.

we are not nearly done learning, we don’t know yet what right is. let us be in the inquiry together, in community, not knowing, so we can truly hear our selves, present, ancestral and successive, in the context of time’s wisdom.

I suspect an entry way into the practice of operating without manipulation is not to look at how you may manipulate others, but rather, what are the small and large ways you manipulate yourself every day – towards perfection or projection or perception or whatever else is in the conscious mind.

how can you trust yourself, be in right relation with yourself?

a participant in today’s training asked this beautifully: ‘how can I open up the space for my own greatness?’

look in the mirror. breathe deeply. release expectation.

behold.

amen.

a word on this election year…

I am so excited that I am about to be away from the u.s. as this election year gears up!

I said, years ago, that I hate politics, and that is still true. I hate the posturing, the games, the polls, the navel-gazing beltway, the lies.

I love the people and land of America, but I hate the politics, and how little the process currently has to do with yielding positive changes in people’s lived experience.

I want an alternative way of being in the world, post-nationalism of any kind, local beyond borders, post capitalist, people and planet-centered. i am learning that way in the work i get to support in detroit. and because the changes I want to see are so pervasive, I identify as an American revolutionary more than associating with any political party.

but to me, this year is a simple year. all I need to do is go on sabbatical, be a revolutionary, and vote for Barack Obama.

for most of us, Obama is not a promised land, though perhaps not enough of us realize yet that no president will ever be that. Obama is a human being in the highest office in a corrupt system in a capitalist nation, so naturally he is a hot mess. i send him compassion.

the people who are vying to run against him are so much hotter in their messiness that I can’t even watch these primaries. not because they are republicans, but because they are part of a racist inhumane anti-immigrant 1%-loving backlash.

I dabble in the belief that revolutionaries shouldn’t engage whatsoever in reform work. if you are all the way there, just be you and dont get distracted or frustrated. heck, stop reading now, this isn’t for you.

if you are unsure about whether or not to engage, just operate on those fronts that feel logical for you. being revolutionary is something we must practice every day, but logic is also something we must practice every day.

logically, we propel ourselves to a dark zombie apocalypse if the republicans come into office this year. the Mayans told us everything will change this year…I don’t think they meant a perry presidency tho. I think they meant the transformations we are currently unleashing. I hope! this is why I am going to the Mayan ruins next month!

as long as I am going to live in America, which as the home of my niece and nephew kind of trumps all other places, I have a responsibility, particularly to those who feel policies shift. those who use food stamps and would not eat if newt gingrich was elected. our newly immigrated folks who won’t survive if michelle bachman is elected. the planet upon which we all depend, which won’t be able to sustain human life for long if a republican is elected.

but I also can’t drop the work I am doing, as a revolutionary, to stump for obama. that’s not logical. if we keep doing that every two/four years, we won’t make meaningful headway in our work to build the radically loving humane society we need to build in the shell of our capitalist present.

there are organizations that blend these realms sustainably and beautifully – I am still partial to the league, which localizes political engagement, integrates electoral and community organizing strategies, and creates accessible voting guides where people converse with each other, educate each other.

those are revolutionary skill sets, even if they are cultivated in a reform environment.

but generally, keep doing what you are doing, supporting your organizations, giving resources to the organizations you currently support, sustain.

we are in a revolutionary age, the age of Arab spring, occupy, 2012 transformation of the world, even my sabbatical – radical things are happening.

it would be amazing if we could all just keep escalating this revolutionary work, and Obama could focus on being the president, bringing home troops and stuff.

I know he won’t, I know he will have to basically pause his real job to campaign. and I know y’all will probably have this debate all year. but I just wanted to say, it could go down differently.

we can choose, we can be complex, anytime.

last winter, I fell 5 times.

these were not easy falls. each time was fast, abysmal, humiliating, vulnerable, lonely, with me trying to laugh while I silently assessed the damage. my knee, back, ankle, hip…body jarred and now not trusting itself. just awful.

this year I need a break from falling. not falling is a commitment I am making to my skeletal structure, to my flesh, to my future elder body.

so far i have learned that the work of not falling down, which can be read metaphorically or not, includes these practices:

- know all the layers you’re walking on. ice is under everything here…detroit tends to have rain before the snow. if you only see the snow, you are doomed. it’s the clear patches, the just-beneath, the frozen over ditch – that’s where ice awaits your forgetting.

- slow down. the faster you move, the faster you’ll fall. the time it takes to watch your step will keep you balanced.

- the ice is not being slippery, its nothing personal. it’s not about me. it’s just being ice. it is on me to transform my behavior.

- if you can’t handle the snow, the ice…if you can’t be present enough to not fall, then admit it. my favorite rapper, invincible, has a line about winters in detroit: ‘if you can’t take the winter, you don’t deserve summer.’ the past couple of years i was excited by the snow, excited by the challenge. even last year, when I wasn’t down, I was smiling. but this year,
a detroit summer will be a gift I don’t earn. I’m not ashamed, I see it as building up my tolerance.

- its really quite beautiful when you pay attention. the snow, the cold, the ice…letting yourself fall poisons your heart against this particular gorgeous display of water in multiple forms. if you can’t see the beauty in the moment, in the present, take a break. come back refreshed.

I’m looking forward to next winter. this winter, I am gifting myself a year of not falling.

I’m completing day 5 of the master cleanse, so I thought I’d write a bit about it, what I do, and why.

there are a lot of ways folks do it. the way that works for me is to just jump into it one morning, shifting from eating full meals and drinking scotch to living on a lemonade.

I make my drink as a concentrate each morning from 3 lemons, 2 tbsp of grade b maple syrup and a dash of cayenne pepper fused with a detox or fasting tea. throughout the day I keep a mason jar going with 1/4 part concentrate in 3/4 part water.

on the second day I start doing a daily sea salt flush, which is dissolving a tbsp of sea salt in warm water, tossing it back like a shot and then chugging a jar of cool water. the salt moves through the body like liquid plumber, truly magnificent. you can’t leave the house for a couple of hours.

the first day I usually feel a little hungry, the second day I feel very hungry, and then I slip into a space that feels like heaven, where food is not on my mind.

y’all know how much I love food, cooking, feeding people. i have come to believe that delicious meals are central to a good life…

but I also wrestle with food.

for my adult life i have often used food as a way to process my emotions and shield me from attention. when I’m at my worst, I am thinking about food obsessively, eating for reasons that have nothing to do with hunger. when I’m at my best, I am thinking about food generously, creatively, as sustenance and blessing to my body.

lying about food is the major area where I catch myself in a lie, hiding chocolate wrappers and sneaking junk past even my own awareness.

the master cleanse gives me a vacation from thinking about food, gives me space to be present in life in a different way. my other senses come alive, especially my sense of smell. it’s a reset, a clearing.

by day 3 my body begins to feel light, liberated, open.

I don’t eat a lot of toxic foods these days, which is evidenced by how quickly the cleanse becomes normal. I’ve been doing the cleanse annually for years, and it used to run me through changes as what appeared to be detritus of scientific experiments emerged on my face, spawn of cheeze-it’s and pizza I’m sure.

the cleanse is a great assessment tool, and a way of making space for change in my life.

as I prepare for my journey, I want to leave excess behind, get to the lightest, most liberated, most open self…the truth. the cleanse is a very honest process with the self:

- either you can do it, or you can’t. honesty keeps you from suffering.
- it’s when you are alone, and you master the urge to cheat yourself, that you know your true willpower.
- sometimes, i don’t make it, I need to eat. I listen to myself…this cleanse, I have needed to be with myself and see that I can do anything, anything I set my mind to.
- hunger is a brutal experience. that people experience it every day without choice is one of the most shameful truths about humans.
- that was really in your body. really.
- you really need to rest and be healthy! really.

I ended up in a fairy ritual today.

I just wanted to write that sentence, and for you to know it is true! it was beautiful, and only possible for me because i could slow down enough for it to emerge. my lessons from it were that my sabbatical is the answer to every question i have right now, that I need quiet time to fall back in love with myself.

I keep hearing my 3 year old nephew, shouting a line from the land before time (brilliant dinosaur movie you should have seen by now) to strangers on a new playground:

‘I’m not afraid to be alone!’

which is what you say when you are afraid to be alone, but need to radically discover and affirm who you are in the world.

from the fear of being alone, we do so many harmful things to ourselves. we contort ourselves to fit into work, community and relationships in ways that are dictated, intentionally or not, by other parties. losing that fear means true freedom, to act from a space of agency and power and joy.

I got a massage today. the quote over the massage table was one of my favorite from anais nin:

‘And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’

that’s why I cleanse. it’s time to blossom.

i don’t know how to chill.

i have this permission, this complete support, from my partner and family and community, to actually just chill, and i can’t quite figure it out.

i used to know, i think. i have memories where i was actually doing nothing for days at a time. and i know i will again be able to reach that remarkable place. but right now?

i am on this sabbatical, sort of. i have a few more pieces of work to do, but mostly, i am trying to relax.

emphasis on the try. i have been starting my day with sun salutations. i am at the end of the 4th day of the master cleanse, which is giving me this clarity. i went to acupuncture today. i booked a massage for tomorrow. other than that, i am still doing a lot of work.

it’s making me realize why, in fact, i am so tired.

it’s laughable how not great i am at chilling, anymore. it has become my norm to work almost all the time. either i do my facilitation and organizing work while watching other things, or i do housework while people visit me. i am always doing doing doing, never still. even if i am not doing work i am doing things – gaming, reading, watching, cleaning, doing. i pop up with a mind full of tasks in the morning and i don’t sleep til i am so tired i can’t see straight.

i feel guilty when i look at my email and see the work i could be doing. just who do i think i am anyway? i’m abysmal at saying no – over the past three days, four people have merely implied that they needed support, and when i offered it, they had to remind me that i am on a sabbatical.

i know this isn’t the way i want to be feeling, i want my work to come from a place of joy, not guilt or addiction. i know better – how did i get here?

i am admitting it here as a baseline assessment. i long to be able to strike the balance between working and not working, working passionately, spending time just being without any doing involved – meditation, stillness, real sleep…and then just as passionately doing things that are very much not work, things that serve and restore and fulfill me.

i am making lists of more things i like to do that aren’t work, and i am starting to do them.

pray for me.

yes – this is an unusual post. recently, at the allied media conference holiday party, i got the great honor of tasting a rum cake that blew my mind. my friend mike medow, who was honored that evening for his remarkable work and commitment, encouraged me to eat this rum cake. his mom had made it, he said, by basting it in tons of rum over the course of several days.

i cannot fully describe to you how amazing it was. but there is one way you can know – you can make it

Rum Cake by Vickie Lee
From Miriam Medow

1 bx Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix*
1 bx Vanilla Instant Pudding
4 eggs
¾ cup Meyers Rum – Original Dark
½ cup Vegetable Oil – Safflower works well
½ cup water
Chopped or crushed pecans
Preheat oven to 350?
Combine all ingredients except pecans; beat for a minute or so until well mixed
Oil an Angel Food or Spring Form cake pan, line with chopped or crushed pecans. Pour in batter. Bake for 40 minutes to 1 hour. Cool for 20 minutes. Remove the cake from pan and place on a plate with a lip.
Note: Do not use flour to line the cake pan

Glaze
1 cup Sugar – Sugar-In-the-Raw works well
1 cup Meyers Rum – Original Dark
1 stick Butter
Combine all ingredients in a sauce pan and heat until it starts to boil.
Pour Glaze over cake. Continue to baste the cake with the run off until all the glazed has solidified. This can be done over a period of a couple of days.
Enjoy.

* You can obviously make the cake from scratch if that’s your way