choose your own adventure: an affirmation

i learn experientially.

i often feel slow, behind the clarity, behind the certainty that others have. my questions focus on things i feel, things happening under the surface. sometimes that’s all i can feel, and the more overt reality has to be pointed out to me.

i also often feel clear, out ahead in a mysterious fog or body of water, afloat, gently feeling my way forward and then calling back, ‘this way, this way is new’…not safe, but not what we’ve already done.

sometimes i feel immense belonging, an interconnectedness so profound that i know everything, i just know.

other times i feel overwhelmingly alone – lonely, or, more and more often, at peace in the solitude and mystery; a star that cannot feel the constellation i’ve been clustered into, just the darkness.

joy is possible in each place, and in the transitions.

i’m learning that because i learn experientially, i have to be so intentional. i have to move towards experiences that keep growing me up, that challenge me and demand my authentic self. and can meet my authentic self when i show up.

there’s so much of the storyline of my life and grief that i don’t get to choose. i do get to make decisions along the way. i get to think for myself…it’s important that i keep doing so, keep feeling for myself.

i get to determine how much i will let others see and feel me in real time. i know now that i see good in people, and in moments, brighter than anything else. i am learning to listen and feel beyond what i can see, to believe the shadows as much as the light. i am learning that i don’t get to determine what others think about themselves, or about me.

i take the actions, build the relationships, hold the boundaries and shape the life that keeps me in right relationship with myself.

lately things keep happening in my life that are so deep, so true and so good that i can’t believe it. not perfect. not tidy. but absolutely mine, my lessons, my good news, my adventure.

i am accepting responsibility for what i’ve been given. i am accepting the blessing of the time i have left. i know this life is precious.

healing my knees one meaning at a time

turn the whole body to face the future
line up the ligaments, the gut, the heart
anything turned backwards will snap
and shimmer
and suffer

the meniscus is shaped like a gasp
like faith
it can get unmoored
like faith
it is more dangerous when broken
like faith
it is only healed through use

immobilize the doubt in the joints
until you learn to use it wisely

focus on this one thing,
and then the next one thing
that is enough

swallow only what your body needs

dream of dropping sweaty low
dream of running on the beach
each step could be a disaster, but
each step makes the next step more possible

find the caught place inside
press against it on purpose
healing is erotic

find what is heavy within
lift it slowly
grasp that the tension is aliveness

be the certain footsteps in the dirt
trust the earth to hold you
use the entire body to move
to hold on to the softness
to love the self

revel in your commitment to fluidity
meditate on dancing
honor your cellular resistance to cages
honor your inner pleasure seeker with the scorpio moon
be an invitation to now

stop turning your head to some other place
relinquish other peoples’ lives
watch where you are walking
be where you are standing
listen

don’t numb the pain,
it holds your instructions
your boundaries
your permission to sit down, lay down
the ease that awaits you

don’t dismiss the pleasure
no matter what is broken
you still thrill
still undulate when you hear music
venus is in your 7th house
goddess is your calling

finish the motion
then start the next motion
you have so far to go