i believe we are living on the precipice of the next phase of our species. and i’m with such good people, people who cry hard and laugh harder. and do one to move through the other, rolling across the full emotional span in epic waves. we feel what’s gaping and yawning underneath both of those releases, that scale of lovegrief that can’t be captured in any words i know…we let it be in our eyes, at our core.
the more i learn/remember how to feel, the more in love i fall with the particular aliveness that only sparks between us. that met longing felt when the interior world unfolding in me comes to a border and longs to be porous, expansive, vast, one, multitudes. this opening, these moments, this work, this makes a viable future possible.
today i remembered a song i was taught over a decade ago:
“oh i say thank you
oh i say thank you
oh great spirits
in this way
i long to give my life to you
in love and devotion
in love and devotion”
(this was taught to me as a gwitch’in song from haida gwaii)
even now, especially now, with a mask over my mouth and a storm at my back, i am learning what i must realize in myself, what i must defend and protect, what i must cultivate in the face of fear and death and supremacy: love, love, love.
when she becomes stone in my arms
i know that she is asleep
when he makes the room dance in his skin
i taste his sweet aliveness
when she appears to be made of smiling wax
i feel how she has left this earth
when he throws wrapped paper at the people
i see that he is a curse walking
when they slowly unbutton their shirt
i blush – the future is flirting with me
when her mouth drops because of this government
i suspect she is a true capitalist
when he says women only ever wanted authority
i wonder if men can know freedom
when they say ‘please call me this please’
i trust that they’ve thought through my questions
when she says to me hello how are you?!!
i am her child again, always
when he calls me i drop the world and answer
i’ve lost enough moments of love
when she whispers to me with her mouth just so
i forget there is time space between us
when i look in the mirror and pause
i see no shadow in my eyes
sitting at the intersection of life and death, love and grief, waiting for a train.
everything this week has been reminding me i am stardust. i practice non attachment, but the universe grabs me close, shakes me, reminds me everything is connected. the only way to live a meaningful life, a life that is worth the miracle, is to accept the extreme tenderness of connection, to come together with warmth and ease, to be together with honesty, joy, rigor and pleasure, and to release each other with as much grace as possible.
even if it’s a dream, even if it’s a painted sky, even if it’s all predetermined…i feel so much, and i’m so grateful to be able to feel so much, to have this range of love demanded of me. this aliveness is my victory, and i am always free.
now, now, now, with sleep in my eyes and work to do, i watch the human river flow and see poetry, realize i am wet, realize i am weeping in public, glitter on my cheeks, heart growing in a way i can feel. and then it’s time, again, to go.