clarity and insomnia

i’m in … minneapolis, minnesota at my future uncle-in-law’s house. so tired i can’t sleep. plus i have been having hives every day for like two months…?

anyway, kiki is the awesome uncle-in-law-to-be. took me, autumn (sister) and sam (conway, the sister’s boyfriend) to a steakhouse for dinner, all 40s style. made me very happy and satisfied. all i can say is where spinach and artichoke meet a good steak, i am overjoyed.

just got back from an amazing training of trainers with the wellstone crew – they’re launching a campus camp wellstone series and its well thought out! it excites me whenever these moments of movement synergy occur, where i see similar values and different approaches and new lessons and brilliant hearts applied to some real work with a real plan! if we could all get on the same page like this weekend evidenced is possible, we could have such a developed powerhouse of a youth movement.

and all kinds of wonderful folks were there – it was a reunion of early leaguers: bouapha, mattie, meighan and me in one room with some jameson’s and samba lessons! then there was j-smoove the southern loverman who pimps the smiles out in the tavis smiley school of game. melvin, who i had previously thought of as a cleancut married christian guy, kicked my ass in spades while talking shit at the level of my father and uncle – i can’t wait to play again (and melvin’s gonna be a daddy!!). and then anna the adorable most delightfully nerdy person i’ve recently met (she said shazamalam! and hugged her G4 multiple times to show her love of it), and adrianna from chicago who made me laugh my butt off, and patricia the sweet and brave – first native american elected official in her hood. and then maddy the irish-all-american, one of 68 cousins.

two unique experiences occurred by this lake:

1. i got to know someone who has various gender identities and actually see the change occur in my mind and understanding and could no longer see the friday-her in the saturday-him. i like these little moments of noticable evolution in my mind, where i feel a part of my brain shake loose from the societal settings and see a vision and know its the truest kind of true thing. i didn’t realize before how often i’d kept it in my mind girl-boy, boy-girl…thought i was past that. but then felt past it and could look back.

2. i meditated on the fact that i want to be back in touch with fela/heartbreaka, and we holla’d at each other last week and then for the maybe 4005th time he ain’t call like he said he would and i tipped my chin up to off-set my heart sinkin (less, but still), wondering if that is weakness or strength. am i faking myself out that i am done with that intense love feeling and just want to holla and fuck it that’s my road dawg and why not; OR am i just indulging that hungry part of my heart who knows nothing compares and i want to hear him laugh so much it would make me cry if i let the thought complete itself but who has time – :)…silly adrienne.

i sat up till 4am last night with a fellow member of the 2005 Summer Heartbreak Club. a letter got read, written from one lover to another and neither was me and yet my heart was in there and the truth there was that all these amazing people come into your life, but once you know that distinction of a ‘love of your life’ you can’t be fake. i can’t really see anyone else – i can write and call and hold and kiss and be the sweet to and get the sweet from and be fully present with as best as i can –

and i can’t lie, i am deeply enjoying these latest developments, these adventures (you know when something is so surprising and hot you can’t even tell nobody? tgi-sf!)…you can give a lot, love a lot, let people close and free yourself into these moments.

still a part of you is held, charred, seems just a little shaky but then like a tongue on a loose tooth you probe too hard and you could lose it all. dear adrienne: be careful with your heart. be careful with your body. be careful with your mind and how you fill it. you are limitless and still barely register on the grand scale of everything so just hold yourself tight with love and pray that your hands are in the shape of god’s and can safely divine a path towards wholeness in this incomplete world. love love and mo love.

i have noticed that everyone around me is in this similar ebb and flow space. ohio woman disappears and reappears like some oracle of stories. i watch friends fall back into arms they’d left,  shamelessly. people i look up to while denying them full pedestal status jump down and kiss me on the cheek, say its all good. i am spinning in circles leaving loops of right angles, so every other day i get to a new familiar place. each time i am just surprised, and just as pleased to have made it this far.

so amidst all the thinking and learning there was a lake, and we went to canoe but by the time we coordinated the canoes, paddles and life jackets, it was time to get back to class. there was campfire activity, which means 4 out of the last 5 nights have seen me fondling a whiskey and sipping a black and mild between sticky roasted marshmallow bites. i have learned some dirty jokes, and i may be good at joke telling!

my other sister april got sprint so we can talk for free which makes me really happy. in general my sisters fill me with unadulterated joy. and i got both my parents on the phone today, which is a rare and wonderful thing, because i LOVE and MISS my family – i love the adventure of them living in japan but really its too far. always.


joni mitchell – both sides now, cactus tree
mary j – changes i been going thru
aretha – daydreamin
sam and dave, sam cooke, marvin gaye (distant lover)
odetta – if i had a hammer

my this is long. but who can edit under such thoughts…i am spinning on the edge of deliriousness and sleep just teases me these days. i am within 4 nights of my bed. albuquerque better be dry and hot and full of mars…