ok, a promise…no more drunk blogging!

while i won’t take
last night’s post down because i try not to do that, i will say don’t
read it too carefully, and apologies to anyone whose etiquette i called
‘funny’. how judgy of me! and while that post makes me seem un poco
hoocho, chances are very high that most of that list will only stroke
my ego, not my…anything else! i often like the idea of living a
samantha existence, but in real life its all getting to be a bit much,
managing all this flirtation and delight. too many aggressive libidos
to keep track of, the mojo is getting a bit overfueled! how else can
you explain getting piss drunk on a sunday night?

perhaps i was
raging against the sounds from behind the fridge, which i am fairly
certain are caused by an unwanted rodent visitor. on the off chance
that this is a New Rodent Visitor, and not the one i asked to leave
last year who promptly disappeared, i repeated the request: ‘NRV,
please go now and i won’t take any measures to eradicate your small
life.’ now, fingers crossed that mice can understand words like NRV and
eradicate. my past experiences with mouse traps have been grievous.
still, my bed is on the floor and i just can’t share the bed or the
room or anything else with a little dirty ass mouse.

or perhaps
this is further evidence of my subconscious acting up. i have to
meditate and find out what is troubling her so. she’s smoking,
drinking, it’s uncouth.

this morning i had a little meeting with
lisa witter, who has started this thing called shesource.com which
places women primarily on television and works to create a culture of
female experts in a world of male dominated political television. i
first came to know lisa as the competition of my girl malia on american
candidate, which was on showtime leading up to the 04 election. but
time has shown that she knows a lot about strategic media, candidate
development and other nifty tools i need.

we also spoke for a
while on how scary this winter is. lisa was saying that the gulf stream
has actually shifted lower, this rapid shift from the deep cold of last
winter to this strange, wet, mild one this year is really cause for
concern. the flowers are confused, the birds are confused. time to
bloom? to sing? to fly away?

with that in mind i ran down to
drop off the stargate netflix to my sister, who is as obsessed as i am
with this sci-fi isht. her office – new york disaster relief interfaith
services, looks out over the world trade center site, and i stood with
her looking out the window and was surprisingly overcome with emotion.
its a pit, with lots of construction stuff in it and the path train
running through the middle, but no construction is happening. as my
sister said, it’s appropriate somehow that it is a space of contention,
that it is so stagnant. looking into it i just saw this massive
spiritual graveyard, piled with the deaths of that day, and of all the
war that has been waged as a supposed response to that day, a graveyard
of strangers. god it made me feel so sad. we work so hard but the
onslaught of despair is so tangible.

and then seeing a bad picture of myself from a day when i thought i looked cute…blah!

has tested me so much recently and i am excited by the strength i see,
by how i’m being true to my values. but it’s hard. maybe that’s what my
subconscious is reminding me of – how hard she is working too, how much
she too is holding so that i can do me, and not to forget or to think
its easy simply because it is working, because i am working and feeling
productive and/or sexy and/or smarter than i’ve felt in a while.

a funny mood i am in today. i think i will feel significantly better if
i go drop off my laundry. so that’s what i will do.