i’ve been feeling schizophrenic lately – i used this word with someone who grew up with a schizophrenic and have felt like an asshole since, i just don’t know a better way to describe it…half completely cynical and why bother doing this work, the problems are so so deep seated and overwhelming. it’s easy to start to disconnect from the idea of freedom and lose your way in the real world. especially now, in more complacent times. it’s easy to kind of want to just go post up on an island and write and stop living juxtaposed to this mess. especially when i have other things going on, like telling the heartbreaker in a very final way to leave me alone for real for real.

the other half (or more literally, another part) of me is constantly like have hope, have faith, people you love will not survive your giving up. you have to let love win.

but then i feel like so far historically no one on the side of justice has gotten it right either, where is a truly, non-symbolic, long-term shift in how things get done? everyone just falls into these little boxes of identity and wants comfort and thus the game is played.

but then i remember all the little instances in which things actually have changed and…well you see what happens. my corny ass still gets completely hurt by the horrific shit that happens and completely filled by the small victories…so i usually conclude that through righteous dreams and genuine action i must do my work, i have no other options. genuine action is a new thing i am pondering…i think only when you genuinely feel moved to act does your action carry weight…more on this later.

so then i see something like v for vendetta, which is a comic book made movie and makes my simple ass feel very happy, because something is addressed head on in the art world, which in the real world no one will/can discuss. other than going to space, seeing normal folks rise up against oppressive regimes is my number one goal in life. that’s part of the power of this film, a bunch of NORMAL people get dressed up to watch an empty building get blown up. almost  everyone i know now who considers themself an organizer kind of only wants to be around other organizers. but we organizers are boring, life is happening outside our bubble. that’s why i think we continually come up short in this struggle.

IN OTHER NEWS, i have been going to the gym like a maniac, but today i woke up in super fat girl mode.

here’s the rub about being a woman who wrestles with her weight, y’all. i often ask, why would anyone ever want to get with a fat girl? i don’t get it? i have ways of dealing with it such that i have lots of good loving. when someone i am really attracted to seems to want to get down, i switch on sexy ‘thick’ girl self and go with it and we have a great time. unfortunately, sexy thick girl is not a permanent fixture, i have to conjure her up, and when the partner leaves, she often leaves too.

whenever i have a fight with the heartbreaker, its partially an internal fight between fat girl and sexy thick girl as well. like – are you an asshole because i am fat or because you are an asshole?? and how far would mercury have to be in retrograde to make your behavior acceptable? in any case, i’m done investing in shit that doesn’t return anything to me. i’ve erased the number from my phone, i sent the official leave me alone forever email and i am moving on. for the last time! again. bollocks!

but really? i am going to the gym, i am eating healthy food, i’m taking no bullshit, i’m going to love love love me, or at least fake it till i make it.