i woke up at 5am this morning in california, it was a thursday, had to write a letter to my grandfather, i miss him immensely…now its 10p.m. on friday outside tokyo and i haven’t slept. i like to push hard when i cross time zones, like i can fake out jetlag. it never works, but this state of mind is nice, either lucid or mad. btw: christina aguilera album – get candyman downloaded asap.

at the airport this morning i got to talk to someone who is at the beginning of realizing she has been setting her personal bar of love too damn low. nice to hear her resolve. friends i speak to these days – we’re learning how to do this stuff, feel n shit.

like i felt a lot coming here. the journey here today can only be described as grueling. 9, 10 hours on the plane in a window seat next to an extremely friendly young japanese man who spoke no english. i read ‘ender’s game’ start to finish. amazing amazing read – thanks to j.c. – and i mastered a crossword puzzle. and with a huge amount of smiling, my neighbor and i communicated through several potentially tense moments. halfway across the ocean i had (cover your ears if you’re lame enough to be embarrased by) my period started, and i had no motrin. different! i tried to master the whole thing, the pain especially with brain power, which, in recent retrospect, is hilarious. inner dialogue:

– hey you’re whole mid-section is in pain…is that your period?

– no way

– u sure? make it go away!!!

– no…didn’t pack meds. is it really cramps? maybe its just gas or liver failure?

– no, that’s it, dude. what else hurts this bad that isn’t death?

– what should i do?

– go to the bathroom and talk the pain down in the mirror

– but i just went 30 minutes ago, my seatmates will hate me!

– who cares, you don’t know them?

– the smiling one is so nice tho!

– he won’t be when you damage the seat next to him and your cute pants, which – why do you dress cute to travel anyway? any way you are about to be really embarrassed and i am going to laugh

– but so will you!

– um no, at times like these i have way of checking out.

soooo much explained there.

then off the plane, met my momma in the airport where we waited two hours for our bus, which then took three hours in traffic to get us home. the baby which was so cute two seats behind us was learning to communicate via gutteral scream, dear thing. the sky was gray, fuji wasn’t visible, and tokyo in the glaring light looked a bit more efficient than ebullient. still excites the hell out of me.

tomorrow we head somewhere for horseback riding while my dad golfs. when in japan…lol, since my sisters and i moved out my parents have really become jetsetters. it is so good to see them so deeply in love with each other, to be here around them, on their ground, to see their post-kid systems.

i wrote a long piece on the plane, about these moments of disorientation that sometimes hit when i am in the air and have to really consider where i am going, not in a theoretical way, or even in an official calendar way. but in the way of preparing to be in a place. what are the rules, what do i need out of my time there? i am often heading to another place; this one’s first signs of shift are drivers on the right side, seats all half the size of what i intend to put in them, and super cute little accessories on sale everywhere.

unplugging from the work is as odd as flying. though i don’t know how unplugged i am, i got home and immediately started talking about how exciting it all is right now. i wonder how it must be for my parents – if they can see the similarities between me now and at 6 years old, excited to tell them all about what is happening for me out in that world. the energy can’t be so very different, if tinged now with the sadness that i don’t participate in that outside world with any innocence. i know it’s all falling apart no matter how good it looks on any given day. i know my excitement is directly related to a hope most think is silly even when it’s touching.

i also realized on the plane that i feel a pressure to write some amazing substantial posts since i only have a few weeks left of writing here. so some of the subjectively best stuff i wrote on the plane i will save for later, and i may even plan a few of these out and see how that goes. i’ve received a few interesting requests for what i should cover before i end it: unveiling the heartbreaker, more found poetry, my personal theory of change, giving up some identities of folks blogged of here. silly silly silly silly – i have no plans to divulge any of that so of course stay posted.