breathless like a tree

i have these periods of my life where i can barely remember to write, where i feel breathless, but like a tree – grounded way down into the earth, and you can’t see the breath moving through me. these words make me porous and perhaps i can’t afford that.

i just spent a week in ny, with two full days of watching my nephew and feeling adoration, the inside of unconditional love. my favorite thing is observing and experiencing his rage – his comfort with full body rage. i had a recent experience of getting to unleash my full fight self, and feeling the liberation as that release flushed through my body. today i had a good talk with a new friend about his experiences of fighting, how illogical and yet necessary it felt to release that anger. we agreed that martial arts was a must.

being around my nephew is also a must.

i had a very ny week – i wore cute dresses and boots and stayed out late and ate marvelous food and felt glamorous. exhausting/invigorating. exciting news is i did some dancing this past week, and for the first time in a long time it didn’t hurt, during or after. i gave a thoughtful gift, which is the best feeling.

i celebrated an anniversary of grief with dear friends, and all we did was laugh so hard the entire time, because that’s the way we know to hold each other. we have given adult life a decade now, and it nearly took each one of us out at some point – but we could sit with each other and see the essential qualities brighter than ever through all that huge pain. it occurs to me that we live for moments as vibrant as these i am living now.

i am slowly and surely learning to hear what i am being told by all the teachers in my life, by folks who are showing up to teach me in ways i didn’t ask for or expect. they all say – practice.

practice listening and being present. above all, be present. everything i need is presenting itself to me, and i have been too busy looking frantically in the wrong places to see it all just there, precise and perfect.

and when i am present, though the circumstances of my life might be outrageous, i feel rooted in the present, like i am moving with this moment carrying my full history and pulled towards my utmost potential.

i wrote and recorded two songs today – this is a sign that something is waking back up in me. when i am not writing songs, i know nothing else in my life will have rhythm or melody, even if it is logical.

but these songs sound like me, in my life, my documentation. how are you documenting your life? what are you being present for? i really want to know.