birthday eve

i am deep in the throes of my birthday week. this means – my dreams are incredibly vibrant and otherworldly right now, my parents are in town to celebrate with me, and i am reflecting a huge amount on me, myself, and i.

here’s my self-reflection/assessment:

1. overall, healthiest i have ever been. (yay!) not thinnest, or sveltest, or prettiest, or whatever else…but given that i have been suicidal, have been an over eater, have been terrified of my own mind, have been an addict (say it aloud) and self-abuser (own it) – and at this moment i am eating well, exercising, expressing my needs and desires, saying no, saying YES!, being really deeply patient with myself – i’m Good at a deeper level than i have experienced before.

2. loving and being loved is the most important work in the world. it isn’t easier than being single, as i so proudly and adamantly was for so long. it isn’t better than being single, and it isn’t worse. it’s a new learning environment that changes daily. it’s miraculous to me each and every day, the quality of people who love me. i don’t know if people at the point of love are always so amazing, but i know i am surrounded by the most brilliant, beautiful, fabulous and deeply good people in the world.

3. being an auntie is The Best Job Ever.

4. Best. Job. EVER!! and it’s mine!!

5. i thank science, love, and the stars for the gift of being a virgo. i don’t care if there is no truth to it – being a virgo for me is a huge relief, a cosmic reason for all the logic and systems and order and blessed beautiful functions of my observant brain. do i observe too much – in myself and others? absolutely. tons of seemingly useless information piles up and becomes narrative in my little mind. BUT – then i do things with all that information. i read people, i feel places, i create systems. i trust my mind. i trust myself to not know and to ask questions. i encourage you all to access your inner virgo, just for a moment, in the spirit of celebrating my birth.

6. forgiveness and compassion are more useful skills to develop and master than vengeance and anger, and i am on the path. those latter passions make me feel shaky and alive and overwhelmed and hopeless. but each time i forgive, or act from compassion, it literally soothes me, fills me up, makes me feel more whole.

7. reading science fiction, the buddha, vandana shiva, deepak chopra, and margeret wheatley is a better use of my time than reading the headlines any given day.

8. my life is good. i recognize the privilege of the family i was born into because its a love-based family – we didn’t have much other than love, but that was beyond enough.

9. i love to write, and i am blessed that others love to read what i write. that’s a calling.

10. i’m not done finding ways to have a fantastic life, but so far i know that it entails living simply, living fabulously, being healthy, showing radical love for every person you encounter, treating your body as the most sacred space in your life, letting go, having faith, and choosing joy.

happy birthday eve to me!