mortality (phone blog)

lately I have found myself wide open to my longing for other people, desperately seeking authentic connection in each moment, choosing where I spend those moments.

this past weekend with my family, I clutched my nephew and niece to me, inhaling them. I can get away with that with the kids – with the adults I just stare.

when I look at my family members, and at my friends, I try to permanently etch their faces and gestures on my mind.

I don’t want to forget, and I trust my mind so little these days, having lost people this summer, and still trying to recall their laughters, their faces of surprise and wonder, sarcasm, knowing me.

I share often here about my internal mixed messaging. I’m clinging to these living moments now though I know love is abundant, and being present is a more effective strategy than clinging. I seek the magic in moments I suspect are mundane. and I keep finding love and magic everywhere.

I have been aware lately of my capacity to step back from intense feelings that used to dominate me. desire, hurt feelings, jealousy. my scorpio moon feelings. they blow through, and I bend, but I feel like the world, my life, is making me emotionally resilient.

that may be grief which has shifted me. I know I can’t stop anyone from dying, I can’t stop myself from dying, all I can do is love. its simple to say and so impossibly hard to practice.
> I want to be present even as a part of me expands into the cosmos. I long for another now, I long to be unafraid of loss, I long to evolve in some way everyone can see, and I long to disappear, to sleep until I wake up in another space and time, where I  have said all I need to say, given the  adequate number of hugs, and am free of longing for the dead  and the living.