self-love as a journey, practice and state

today i am wearing a bikini in public. this week i also went topless in public. i consider these miraculous occurrences and proof positive that self-love work is worth it. my belly loves the sun as much as the rest of me does.

when i started gaining weight in my adolescence i quickly learned that it made me undesirable and unattractive, which i both wanted (sexual assault trauma 101) and hated (its lonely in there).

i have always loved swimming and sun, and i have worn a million wack bathing suits in order to access these things without feeling fat and offending people.

in 2012 i took a sabbatical that included mexico, costa rica, hawaii and california. on that trip i dabbled in nude sunbathing in private settings, and i made a promise to myself that i would get to the ocean, the warm ocean in the sun, at least once a year for the rest of my life. since then i have kept that promise, mostly in the yucatan.

i have documented myself, learned to see my face, my body. slowly, so slowly that sometimes it felt i was moving backwards through time.

in fact i have gone back and looked at pictures of me when i hated my body, and i can see how lovely it was, i was. lovely and hiding and clueless.

but the work is working.

self-love is a journey – i keep finding new bends in the road. first i couldn’t say fat. then i couldn’t show certain parts of my body. then i couldn’t trust other peoples’ attraction to me as legitimate. then i could dress my body but still feel daunted by my nakedness. then i could feel my beauty in the hands of others but not alone. then i could see something appealing in my face but not look below the neck. then i kept unveiling more and more of myself. then i had an ectopic pregnancy and reached my highest weight and had scars on my belly and dimples on my thighs and doubt in my heart. then i came out as a sugar addict and created circles of community around the truth of my feelings about my body. then i told someone my love of my body was unshakable, and it became true. then i began to stand up straighter and get somatic healing and sashay when i walked and believe people when they said i was irresistable.

none of this is chronological, that’s the secret of journeys. circuitious, mercurial, tempestuous, trickster, but never straight.

and then self-love is a practice, or, many practices.

i have written about these practices before and just want to say: practices take time. more than 21 days, more than 3000 reps, even more.

practices for self love are like casting a spell in your body, waiting for a seed to open, accumulating the speed of flight.

in this past few months i have experienced so much laughter, joy – and pain, grief. i am feeling more and more of my own emotional range. and as i feel more, it becomes easier to move towards what i want, without apology or guilt.

i live in a country/world where those in power want me to submit or disappear.


in fact, i will be more of myself.

i will be a brilliant feeler with massive swinging breasts that only nourish those who love me.

i will be an apocalyptic writer who believes i am shaping the future, in cahoots with my comrades.

i will be angry in public, and i will be a lover who leaves people feeling freer than before my kiss.

i will be mariah carey at 11:57pm, Dec 31 2016. i am still a number 1 type person and i am still wearing a ballgown to the dispensary.

anyway, much ado about a bikini, i know.

but somehow this political moment is making it necessary for me to be in this bikini and make people grow to meet me.

self-love is a state:

i am 38, and this is a first in my adult life. my thighs dimple, my scars pock, my pits are grown, my belly is soft as fuck, and the bikini is red.


Author: Adrienne

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your uprising against the forces of darkness has got to do more than say "no." A fierce, primal yes should be at the heart of your crusade. (rob brezny, long ago)

10 thoughts on “self-love as a journey, practice and state”

  1. “make people grow to meet me” is calling me. Applauding and hoping to follow, to also keep growing to meet myself.

  2. All the yesses that ever yessed a yes in yepland. I am here for all of this, and I am on my own circuitous journey with the ebb and flow of my own self love. Thank you.

  3. Goddess you are beautiful! And sexy as fuck! You are attractive, I am attracted to to you. Can I say that and not need a response? I am just appreciating you, recognizing you, giving props, honor and respect. Stars and famous people are not the only ones who deserve
    To be adored from a distance, and who have fans! Confidence is sexy, creativity is sexy, honesty is sexy, vulnerability is sexy! Thank you for bringing beauty into mine. Carry on, enjoy your day!

  4. Thanks for writing this. I needed to read it today. Props for putting yourself out there. I admire your courage.

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