it’s a yes

this is just a little one, a request for your prayers/wishes/love/thoughts/having-my-back/futuring. however you call in good for others, call it in for me.

there are some blessings afoot in my life now that are gamechanging. they are of the life i want, longed for, created space for, held boundaries for, practiced and am practicing for. and now it’s all right there, within and without. happening.

so much is changing, i can’t lock my eyes on the future that’s unfolding (and my virgo predictions are mythology i trust y’all) – but i feel to the root of me that it is good, it’s the life i was made for.

so i ask you to say yes with and for me. i want god-as-change to know it’s a yes.

wild seed dinner, albuquerque nm

on june 3 we had an octavia butler dinner in albuquerque, an intimate event, just three of us (myself, host andrea quijada, and ob lover elena letourneau). this format made me kind of want to do it this way more often – the intimacy we were able to achieve was quite remarkable before we even started speaking about the book.

then we moved into speaking about wild seed, the first (and achingly good) book in octavia butler’s patternist series (the first series she wrote). this book is my favorite starting place for anyone who hasn’t read her work.

we had one of those gorgeous conversations where you get to the root by exposing it. a lot of what we shared wouldn’t fit into words. however, at the end we summarized the shareable things we thought/discovered together:

it’s quite possible that gardening and living together and building community together is the most radical work. intentional community is a skillset to develop. but in a u.s. context, individual spaces, interdependent. shifting to intentional living – but slowly. everyone has their own space in it, with shared kitchen, yard, garden.

the interconnection of these communities brings to mind safety in relationships. right now with the balancing between online and offline work and organizing, there is a way we can commune globally. (example given: march on monsanto). we have lost a lot of physical relationships with people, which leaves everyone feeling isolated. but safety is in relationships more than any other structure.

wild seed speaks to the isolation of being a leader, of being special. (how that loneliness piles up, how deep the desire to be met and matched.)

the radical strategy is to love.
we are in perhaps a dark age. our legacy might be that we maintained and remembered the way to love.
vulnerability, attachment, care, attunement, these are the ways we remember. we have to remember to feel.

anyanwu is the living embodiment of ‘transform yourself to transform the world‘.

this book is an incredible exploration of the arc of long term relationship, from the initial passion –> to negotiations and struggle over power –> to transformation.

noticing that in the relationship between anyanwu and doro, that they loved each other after seeing the shadow sides of each other. there are people who are our mirrors and show us what we don’t want to see, and we want to run. we need mirrors. we need also to be able to see and love ourselves. (moved to share nina’s song ‘images’

She does not know
Her beauty,
She thinks her brown body
Has no glory.
If she could dance
Under palm trees
And see her image in the river
She would know.
But there are no palm trees
On the street,
And dishwater gives back no images.
– poem by william waring cuney

loving the body, feeling the potential of breath and self-love and healing in each body is radical. (anyanwu is a study of feeling deeply – perhaps we all have her capacity to heal if we could listen inward?)

we appreciate our bodies when we use them. yoga! breath. walking and being outside doing what it is meant to do. ‘moved to tears using my body for myself.’

our culture teaches us not to love our bodies, that something is wrong. it is radical to reclaim loving our bodies.

gender and body insecurity is interesting too – men/boy bodies usually have to do something to get called names. women bodies just walk in, just people look at us and call us names. doing things for ourselves in our bodies is radical. other gender norms…women have to look good on outside, but vagina always good. men can generally look aight but their penis has to be big/just so. insecurities related to those stories. what does this mean for how anyanwu and doro traverse the world, him jumping bodies, coming to her in any body, with her healing and shapeshifting the one she has.

‘i want all women, all people. to lay on the floor and just feel your body and loving each amazing living part, the living organism of the body.’

what is most radical? to transform ourselves.


makes me wonder – what is your secret gift?

this life is miraculous. what if you don’t waste any day, any gift? if this day, this activity is as miraculous as anyone’s very best day and offering…what then is the call?

say it out loud

lately i’ve felt like god-is-change is saying to me something like ‘you can have what you want, everything you want, but you have to say it out loud.’

today i got to visit with a curandera, a traditional healer of the kalpulli izkali circle in albuquerque. and after she worked with me, cleansed and cleared me, she said, now say what you want, to yourself or out loud. i shuddered a bit (how did she know/of course she knows). i knew exactly the words i wanted to say, and i knew i had to say them out loud.

it felt so good. i love this practice, i want to encourage it.

so: i have at least four gray hairs now, and my niece is asking me all about my body. being unashamed and feeling beautiful as a big brown woman in front of babies is radical. i am no longer a beginner living in my body. i know that loving it and listening to it is political work for the babies in my life as well as for myself. i want my body to be a practice ground and conduit for healing and transformation.

earlier i was driving around in the desert, staring at red rock formations and mesas and trying to remember what i used to think a mesa looked like, when it was just an idea in a storybook. mesas and fjords and savannahs and volcanoes. i think i am less an environmentalist than an earth lover, an earth sensualist. i document and protect her as a body i love. i want to keep seeing and feeling this world and falling in love with her.

i woke from a dream the other night in which a boy i knew in college was showing me a poem that had changed his life, that was changing the lives of all the people who read it. it was such a powerful poem – i woke up and tried to write it. i got snippets and rhythms. i want that poem. if it comes back to me i will share it here.

perfect new people just came into my life and several others deepened into our knowing each other, all in some way because of my ‘let it cut more deep’ blog. i want this intimacy – i want connections through vulnerability.

i spent the weekend facilitating a circle of radical women of color in visioning and naming their work around providing support in all aspects of birth and/or parenting. watching them push out past the familiar and comfortable and into the new and needed was humbling, it felt like an important place to be. i want to always work with people living their values that deeply, creating ways out of dark ages.

last night was another octavia butler and emergent strategy conversation, this one perhaps the most intimate yet. octavia butler is such a liberating force in my life. in speaking about her ideas, people have the option to consider their own freedom, and pathways for freedom from prisons of mind, body, heart for all human beings. i can’t tell you how many of these conversations, from small to large, have been alive with tears, confessions, longings, commitments to live miraculously, and that incredible tingling up from within that tells me yes, this is it! i want emergent strategy to be a viable option for anyone trying to change the world.

these are not small desires, but they are true.

do you know what you want? you don’t have to tell me, though i will listen. but say it somewhere.

say it out loud.