home joy in three parts

today i joined a gym. i told someone yesterday that i wasn’t this kind of person, but inside i felt devastated because i love my body and want to be good to it. i asked my sugar shift group for some help, how do i balance between self-care and self-discipline. they were gentle and wise and spacious and brilliant. i woke up this morning and asked my body what it wanted. it wanted to move, it wanted to be in water, it wanted as much future as possible. so i drove over to the gym to join. i teared up as i was filling out the paperwork, hearing all the little voices of resistance (you can’t afford this right now, what about when you travel, you not gonna keep it up) try it and then have to get quiet in the face of my resolve. it’s my choice today.

then i went to swim, and the pool was full of black people in a water aerobics class. i shrugged and got in the pool. i was the only person under 60, the music was james brown and earth wind and fire. it was hard! it was so good. i started giggling with joy and endorphins, feeling strong and young and like a whole body.


this morning i woke up before dawn. i found one of my plants had sprung a new leaf, with another almost there. i touched my plant and told her she looked so beautiful and she was growing so well. the new leaves were wet to the touch, like water i had poured in days ago had come through the dirt, through the secret inner pathways of the plant, to make this bursting easy. it’s hard to recall how little she was when i got her. now she grows visibly every single day, more when she’s sung to.

earlier this week i watched a hawk eat a small bird in the tree out my front window. it was magnificent and gross. the plants heard all my reactions. i think i amuse them.


i’ve been cooking so much during this time at home. a short list of things i’ve made:

croutons with nutritional yeast
salad dressing centering pickled ginger
arugula salad
basil pesto turkey sausage & kale lasagna
kale chips
madddd roasted vegetables
miso rice
extravagant egg sandwiches
turmeric tea

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