hustle and flow

i’m watching hustle and flow – its exciting to watch it and see that beyond the fact that, like evans said, ‘its hard out there for a pimp’ was exciting as an oscar nominated song, these faces and stories are being brought to a big screen. terence darling. you hot ass, you go.

just home from asif’s ‘word on the streets’ screening. poor sound quality, but the film asks great questions, and shows real people asking. overall i was so proud of asif and his completing this project. and the party space might just be home to the next virgo bash.

the emails and calls and posts about last nights blog make me feel a bit responsible for what i put out there. and that’s cool. much love tchaiko, tarn…

for pamela, a description of my heartbreaker: he was a model once, and when i found that out i almost called the whole thing off. he’s an organizer who has very little work actually under his belt, but a gift for charm, and for working with young people. all potential and promise. he’s tall and stunning and disciplined and particular. a control freak (with a pleasure activist – no way!), he’s too smart and when he gets to a precipice he has no problem not jumping. we go back and forth from excitement and joy to disconnect. right now, we are communicating more honestly than ever before, and for the first time i am considering the fact that the obsession-type love might really be over, that i was pursuing him for the pursuit, to have a beautiful man tell me i am beautiful, and contending with who he really is as a friend is bringing me a mature joy. it is romantic, to have your heart broken. its not romantic at all to realize that someone may not be capable of ever satisfying your emotional needs, and you keep coming back. i’ve stopped coming back for that. i want the real him. and i had an amazing talk with shane about the idea of letting go of people who you cannot mold yourself into a match for, or people who just hurt and get hurt by you. let it go.

hustle and flow quote: ‘is a pig’s pussy pork?’

and in terms of the question am i an organizer or a phenomenal writer or phenomenal personality…lol. that’s great. i wrestle with being an ‘organizer’. i feel like i grasp organizational development and the need for intentional work, and i am willing to teach that cycle to anyone, to carry tools from community to community when they don’t have time or capacity to look up and see what’s already out there. i connect people with ideas. i’m cool with that, i know what i am good at, i can inspire and write and learn and teach. i am not a doorknocker, i am not into meetings or phonebanking or manipulative campaigning. when folks think of what organizers do, i don’t do those things…but i can make the best ways to do those things clear to people who never thought to plan.

and i think of myself as a sloppy accessible writer and many personalities. my boy evans says everyone has multiple personalities. i have been trying to get to the root of me. i find i am an introvert, shy, have a hard time entering spaces, so i err on the side of making a big splash and acting like i know it all, but all i know is that i don’t Know anything. and i want to be told i am beautiful and i want to be adored and i want to be enough for someone. and i am sexy and sexual and somewhat sex obsessed. i really like pleasure, i like cheap, dirty, inappropriate pleasure; and sanctioned, spiritual, intellectual pleasure. pleasure activism for me is aiming to get a massive percentage of each day to be a fully engaged experience. i seriously consider orgasmic thought, orgasmic dialogue, orgasmic contact with the world. this isn’t an effect of privilege to me. i learned the most i have ever learned from the marshallese community, people with no material or educational possessions, who regift because ownership isn’t a value, who smile because the sun is out, even if its a hard workday. who make beauty out of shells and fish string. i like to consider what it means to be happy in myself, and then i go to that place, and often.

in terms of spiritual pleasure – i am considering now if i can be close friends with dishonest people. i can love them, but do we need proximity? because i need faith, and my faith comes from being true.

but in terms of cheap dirty pleasure – today on the train i came on and this hot dude looked at me, and soon we ended up in the packed car in a sort of corner against the door. no eye contact, just pressed up on each other in the mix and before long it was clear he was grinding on me, leaned in near my ear. i didn’t grind back, we said nothing, and with my big hat there was no eye contact…but i didn’t stop him, i did my sudoku against his chest and snuck glances at his half smiling lips, and he smelled good and it left me feeling all tingly. when i went to get off he said so i guess i should get your number. i said that’s ok, just don’t forget me. he looked mindblown. and why not?

now, at the the young democratic socialists meeting today i got to meet damu smith, who i have wanted as a mentor for years. he works for peace and environmental justice, and he is fighting cancer, and he is a picture of love and healing and brilliance. can you consider that, with death afloat in your body, to demand peace, patience, hope? he, and joe schwartz, and komozi woodard, and bill fletcher, all in the context of socialism…its a fabulous space to think. here are some highlight concepts in the form of my facilitator questions:

1. is it really a strategy, waiting for the fall of an unsustainable economy?
2. if you don’t believe in a capitalism as a framework, why not engage in counterfeiting to make a joke of money, in subversive education to make a joke of underfunded public schools, in resistant sovereign communities reclaiming the land of this false nation?
3. how do you wage peaceful strategic campaigns in a moment of overinformationg, where big marches make no mark on the public…without any gimmick or indulgence, how do you keep suffering in the public eye, even if you have to use mainstream media as the conduit, to move people to motion?
4. personality and even community don’t seem real in a world where there’s no leverage over decision makers. what is a socialist strategy for gaining leverage?

after posting last night i got into a late late night dialogue with anjali, this hottie dr-dj in l.a., and i thought i should excerpt a bit of it here:

(04:46:27) turtle wexler: speaking
of your first line on the blog post, you ARE really honest on your blog. i’ve
blocked myself from being completely honest, it’s scary. tahts great that you
are.
i was reading some older posts of yours.     what
about anger at a past love?
(05:05:22) lusciousmsbrown: thats different, thats an internal thing to
release, to just live as knowledge. i have knowledge of all my
past lovers, all my past conflicts, but i feel cool about it like
data on star trek.  i understand most offenses as
the logical conclusion of abuse, issues, not personal
(05:06:20) turtle wexler: wow
just finished your most recent post. intense. you put it in words that allowed me to let go of some anger — i was just at
the "raw end of someone else’s process". those few words put things
into such perspective
(05:07:32) lusciousmsbrown: anjali i had a breakdown
cause of these people. my most beloveds drove me to a suicidal place, and they
knew it. sometimes i wonder if my whole life’s purpose is saying over and over
that the emperor has no clothes on.  
(05:08:06) lusciousmsbrown: when i am drunk on saturday
nights, i get my neo energy. but – its all abuse: emotional, casual
(05:08:25) turtle wexler: whats
your neo energy?
(05:08:48) lusciousmsbrown: where its all super clear and
i feel at peace and – that peace becomes the power to completely manuever the
world, the bullshit, the terror. i feel fearless and clear, fearless is crucial
(05:09:30) turtle wexler: i
hardly ever feel at peace these days, but when i do, it’s blissful
(05:09:41) lusciousmsbrown: yes but informed bliss right?  cliches have usually made me
associate bliss with ignorance but its this deep knowing
(05:10:09) turtle wexler: no
absolutely — informed bliss
(05:10:12) lusciousmsbrown: that nothing is personal,
that all you can do is you…knowing that, knowing exactly
how pathetic and divine we are. peace then becomes freedom
from being beholden to whatever, other peoples pain drama
trauma etc
(05:11:08) turtle wexler: exactly
(05:11:21) lusciousmsbrown: like: i know you have issues
but they aren’t mine. you can say that to anyone
(05:11:29) turtle wexler: yes!
(05:11:37) lusciousmsbrown: :). and now i can get to mine. and they arent as scary, because you accept that they
are terrifying. and just don’t let that deter
you from pursuit. my shit is scary, i drink for
a reason: i need to sleep! i need less dreaming!
(05:13:35) turtle wexler: yes
we all drink for a reason
(05:13:42) lusciousmsbrown: exactly. but we are symptoms, that’s my latest thought. humans are one body,
individual pain is symptomatic of…built up destruction :). we need healthcare
(05:14:48) turtle wexler: sweet
(05:14:55) lusciousmsbrown: indeed,  i like that metaphor
(05:15:01) turtle wexler: i
love that metaphor
(05:15:07) lusciousmsbrown: jinx then
(05:15:15) turtle wexler: hehehe. we
need healing
(05:15:30) lusciousmsbrown: we are nerds to love that
metaphor but healing is all we are doing. strategic healing, movement
is healing. health is heaven
(05:15:54) turtle wexler: it’s
already been decided that we are nerds. yes,
strategic healing is so needed, i
like taht "strategic healing"
(05:16:09) lusciousmsbrown: i think my great issue now is anyone who resists strategy. i want this to be the age we
moved from consideration to an understanding of strategic action
(05:16:50) turtle wexler: ah i’m
trying to get better at strategy and strategic healing. steep.
(05:17:15) lusciousmsbrown: i am so tired of
pontification, and even of understanding, presumed understanding. the idea that we Get It is so
pompous. we can’t Get It, thats a
lifelong battle
(05:18:50) turtle wexler: have
you heard people talking about getting it?
(05:19:14) lusciousmsbrown: i hear people often who
clearly think they’ve got it, they are sooooo articulate. i do it myself, but i only feel free when i
let go of that. knowing is not the
goal…living is the goal
(05:20:02) turtle wexler: i
often catch myself thinking i get it compared to others. i try to hit myself
inside (in a not abusive way, more on a slap of the hand kind of way) to stop
that behaviour.
(05:20:29) lusciousmsbrown: today i was thinking and
saying, i have a sense of superiority in terms of vision in my brain, and regardless
of class in many people’s brains. i am drawn to genius, to people who see big detailed
pictures
(05:21:05) turtle wexler: i’m
totally drawn to genius too
(05:21:12) lusciousmsbrown: i dont think everyone can see
what i see… but its only divine gift plus
privilege, and i do think everyone has
divine gifts
(05:22:45) turtle wexler: yes
i agree
(05:22:52) lusciousmsbrown: but i think the way we are kept
disempowered is that most people don’t see
or believe it…they think a material wealth
will prove it, to themselves so they struggle and suffer
(05:23:30) turtle wexler: exactly
(05:23:44) lusciousmsbrown: and where suffering is
constant its heatbreaking, the genius
that is missed
(05:23:49) turtle wexler: i
don’t even know if they know it, i don’t know if they necessarily think that
material wealth will prove it. i think it’s subconscious. we’re
molded to do what’s thought to be success
(05:24:06) lusciousmsbrown: the goals that are set, which
have nothing to do with freedom
(05:24:14) turtle wexler: there’s
so much insane genius that goes unfelt

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