5th element

i am having a reawakened moment about the 5th element – y’all know that movie? i love that movie cause in the end its clear that the divine can take the human form but loves makes miracles and only love can save the world and in my heart of hearts i’m that cornbally cheesepuff love freak.  and i work hard, y’all, i don’t complain – i LOVE my work. however, i feel like i can’t get the truly divine output without love. hence my current tragedy is all-encompassing.

those following the lyrics know i been having love woes, i am fundamentally unloved by the one who looked in further than anyone else and said, eh – naw. i wrote how it feels to bury the idea of love, to realize that your beloved is like a dead self and it is done and you can’t move on unless you bury it or it will keep faking you out that it might come to life but really its rotting:

it hurts so overwhelmingly much and i keep crying on the train, on the street, in my office, in bathrooms, in bed, all the time i just have to stop and bend over from the waist and weep shamelessly – its a new freedom, this pain. i feel like i am grieving my man, grieving my own heart and the one in me who loves, this great loss, this face and person and magic i won’t know again. i know everyone says i will, i hear that. but i hate that truth. i don’t want to love again, love someone else, wait for it. you know?

i also have a feeling right now though of something put through a fire and come out. shapeable, so hot i could burn any bridge i need to, or anyone who touched me. its time for the most fabulous adrienne, totally reshaped by the fire. i predict that groundbreakingly stunningly brilliantly untouchable adrienne will emerge as soon as i stop weeping and wailing.