early morning thoughts

so i got up at 7am cause of the whole west/east coast thing (no beef with l.a. cuz, holla). and i have all these thoughts. its amazing what happens as soon as life gives you a moment to think. and remember. so this is the longest blog entry ever cause its like days of it…

i am about to go into one of the most healing spaces in the world with all my little recent chinks and cracks and punctures and great chasms. not with the intention of coming out in 10 days perfected, but just to learn. so i woke up this morning all thoughts and will post as many as i can before the cab comes:

– my blog is not going in the direction of funny at all. why god, why?
– thank god i link to chelsea from my blog.
– i wonder why when i travel, i do a different accent in each place, just like i did when i was 5 with my sisters. in the past week i’ve had west african french, midwestern, grew-up-in-england, uppity wealthy white girl (special ordered for my first class trip when delta had to upgrade me after messing up my whole flight plan. i said what i would normally say, like – that’s really greedy of you; or does that make you feel kind of shallow? or i bet that cost a lot; or – you broke off you engagement cause he gambles?? – but matching her voice, so she just went with it. too much fun)
– its always important to remember who you are in the great myths of pooh, i’ve been going through an eeyore stage, but am leaning towards something tiggerish
– i like airplane entrees. sofia thinks this might be trying to fulfill some dream of living in space.
– its time to get healthy. i want to join the coop but everyone i know who has joined is on suspension and shopping elsewhere. c’est une conundrum!
– having consciously chosen not to take my life, i celebrate that i stayed long enough to love him , even with the pain.
– i had a long talk with this man who was told early in life he had a hereditary terminal possibility afloat in him, and he said he had decided to make his life so compelling and worthwhile, and make himself so cellularly desirable – and that was his treatment. and he’s well to this day.
– memory: last night i opened my plane window to catch the last light after our long chase of the sun to the west – and it was the most grandiose purple vision i’ve had in years. it lasted all of one moment, but it was as far as you could see the top of purple clouds all crested with gold and then seeming to emanate violet and lavender and throbbing purple from within.
– i need to invest in a camera.
– that guy in montreal who saw me hitting my computer and came and fixed it on the spot so i’d have my music these next two weeks might not have been real. he might have been a tech angel. he was so sweet and floaty. i heart you chris from london, angel or not!
– i should post to the blog more often under different influences. mom, i did not wake and bake in canada before writing this!
– i need to live by a better ocean.

and then sofia said to me: there are loves that keep you going, and those that wake you up.

so since i will be gone for a while from here, i am going to post poems!! so corny but so what. it’s my blog, i’ll emote if i want to!

1. (actually a song u may someday hear)

my love is this black lake
contained but always moving
many paths slit through his surface
and i’m diving, diving
searching for his heart

my love is this black lake
they build boats to rush along
from one edge to the other and say
they know him
i make no claims, though half-drowned

my love is this black lake
he can reflect a good day’s blues
or a hot day’s golden end
but when the night comes he spins his own light
rests his own life

my love is this black lake
it is i who go
but when i return he’s never the same
i laugh, but god walks long this man sustained
my love, he is this black lake

and 2. bonnie said

its that bonnie and clyde
love story of hours
tell the papers
i was his when he found me
picked me up out of lonely
i’d made it

he would only give me a little
but it filled a shallow cup
then overflowed into boundlessness

some things can’t be explained
so here we are stealing a good thing
the bullets are all around
any day now

you can’t touch me right
such a charmer of dust
i could have anything
but i follow your hope cause i cannot comprehend it
cause i can never see you comin
and all of our time feels
just caught

you already know what you can’t give
what a dark promise you are
i don’t have to say it
i’m not stupid now – i know what isn’t coming

but i know what we get
i’ll take as much as i can stand
one last look, its a simple moment
maybe the happiest either of us can remember being
say what you want

i’m your girl
and i’m not scared to make a run for it

and i am still not telling his name. what does that mean? if its really over and done with what does it matter…why not tell it in the first place. such a bizarre occurrence, to be the only known character in the love story that moves me so much i have to tell everyone.

AND THEN i have been listening to Nina and so these words are in my head:

Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard to love a girl like me
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free
I just wanted you to know
I’ve loved you better than your own kin did
From the very start it’s my own fault
What happens to my heart
You see I’ve always known you’d go

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean that I’ll never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can

Now I know it’ll make you feel sad
And make you feel so bad
They say you don’t treat me me like you should
They got ways to make you feel no good
I guess they got no way to know
I’ve had my eyes wide open from the start
And man you never lied to me
The part of you that they’ll never see
Is the part you’ve shown to me

So you just do what you gotta do
My wild sweet love
Though it may mean that I’ll never kiss
Those sweet lips again
Pay that no mind
Find that dappled dream of yours
Come on back and see me when you can

and then, i’ve been meaning to blog about this thought inspired by my friend jennifer nikki kidwell. why is it that people have no problem letting you run your hand through their hair and THEN saying, i think i need to wash my hair. THAT IS WRONG.

however jenn, all is forgiven because of that amazing night of dancing you gave me the other night with jessica and shane. was that all four of us singing erykah’s call tyrone, janet’s would you mind, and george michael’s teacher (So if you love me, say you love me, But if you dont just let me go)?! Fabulous. Work it, work it.

And I think this is the last thought – it is such a joy when people reappear in your life at the right time. I’d like to shout out Shane Jones and Andre Banks for recent perfectly timed reappearances. You are both three snaps to a Western wind and I love you. Also my kissing boy, was nice to See you again.