from rock bottom

ok, today i have to admit publicly, or at least blogospherically, that i have hit rock bottom of the slippery slope called ‘adrienne’s nicotine addiction’. i am actually sitting at the bottom of that slope, leaned back on the incline with a cigarette in my mouth right now! i am smoking like samuel jackson in jurassic park.

i have been a smoker in denial for about a month now. just one. and then, just a clove, for stress. and then, a pack of cloves, which i know are harsh but don’t smell like cigarettes and take a long time to smoke so fake me into thinking i am still only dabbling. to help me from screaming on people. when i am called upon to rise above my current circumstances i always turn to smoke, which also burns and rises…and other things.

but then this past weekend, i ran out of cloves in d.c. on a sunday night, which apparently is a official ‘Close Down All Convenience Stores in the Downtown Area’ Night. who knew. and i realized i was actually not just slightly perturbed, i was wringing my hands and had to ask someone to bring me whatever they could get please that was in the shape of a small long cylinder of that sweet stinky shit i love so much.

so i know i posted earlier today but its technically tomorrow so i felt that i could share this realization officially.

also because at my voice lesson i couldn’t hide the tell tale smoker’s cough, and my voice teacher just looked at me and said, i know you’ve had some stress, i know that. now you have to quit again. and celeste today said – cigarettes! and shane last night said NO YOU CAN’T and i still couldn’t not smoke, shamefully, in front of him.

luckily i know how to quit, or at least know i can. i quit all of last year, and i was a self-righteous preachy little non-smoking high and mighty brat. and now i have to stop again, which for me means going on a total and complete cleansing fast and cutting everything – nicotine, alcohol, bread, sugar, meat, etc. then easing into the other stuff and leaving the cigs out. cigarettes and bread are the bars and floor of my particular prison.

and i don’t need anyone to tell me how bad it is, i know. i know it’s wrong, self-abuse, stinky, dangerous, reversing the work of my whitening strips – which i only remember to do every third day anyway – i know the Truth.

ugh. i am so ashamed but also secretly enjoying this little lapse for as long as it lasts…why is there NOTHING else like cigarettes and why can’t someone figure out how to make ones that are AS SATISFYING AS THIS without a cancerous stinky effect?


here’s a small photo of my current addictions. one is deadly. the other is nerdy. oh me oh my. well, admitting it is my first step towards quitting. so here goes! um. tomorrow. CONO!

in other news though, the ny league had a second meeting of the year and something is starting to form from the thinking aloud that could be really hot. if you’re in ny and want to get down with it just holla…

and i did have a moment of singing with my old teacher and she said my voice is still there, which made my heart heat up. also met this woman who is going to become my sometimes student in developing a vocal style. fun fun!

in terms of a sex column for organizers – karynn, i like that suggestion. let me think about it, pitch it around.

ok. let’s see if i can make it from here to the bed without a cig tonight!