this one’s for you mom

my mom recently reminded me that she reads my blog. when she first told me this, years ago, my main content was heartbreak and my wild ny life. i was flummoxed and then promptly put it out of my mind.

now, she reads to see how i am doing.

so i want to tell you how i am doing.

while you were in town, i woke up the morning after my birthday overcome with gratitude. i sat in the bathroom and wept, thinking about what an incredible mom you are.

i am here because of you on so many levels. the obvious one – you falling in love with my (black) dad in the 70s in south carolina, carrying me within you for 9 months, your day long labor – thank you (and sorry) 🙂

but what i was thinking of was all the times i have called you because i wasn’t sure i wanted to stay here, i was depressed, i was going through something, i was high, i was empty – and you listened, and you didn’t judge, and you invited me to come home and be taken care of.

knowing i could always come be loved has created this incredible grounding in my life. you believing in the miracle of my life has been a reminder to look beyond the moment, to look deeper within myself, to have faith again.

and you are fun, vibrant, curious – you are politically astute, but not stuck in any point of view. you are interested in the world around you, understanding that it is complex and there is much more gray than black and white.

you are such a good mom that my friends also come to you. for years now i have had friends ask for your email, spill everything 3 minutes after they met you, finding wisdom and comfort in your words and energy. i have friends who i am pretty sure stuck it out with my ridiculous behind so that they could have access to you!

i remember us going for a swim, and telling you i was seeing a girl, and instead of drowning in shame or shock you went straight to curiosity and reflection. you spoiled me into thinking it would always be easy to come out to people, and then you supported me when it wasn’t.

and though some might say the depth of our connection is because i am your firstborn, you are just as thoughtful and interested and supportive and engaged a mother with both of my sisters, finding the little and big things that let them know you support our independence, our learning, our happiness.

on top of that you are an amazing daughter – i have witnessed you extending Papa’s life by engaging his best self through the sickness; being a witness to the work and slow grief that Mema goes through.

you are an amazing wife, a steadfast and uplifting friend – i have watched how you consistently lean in and increase your commitment when your friends go through rough patches.

i love you. you are just a wonderful person.

thank you for reading my blog, thank you for the attention, love, support, laughter, devotion, hours of talking over each other to share everything, and for knowing when and how to be my friend and my mother.

love you!