me, about to turn up for new year’s eve: what is it?
knee, twinging with petulance: nothing.
me: we not doing that anymore. you have my attention, what do you need?
knee, throbbing: to go home. i mean, to the little room.
me (feeling curious): really? we’re at the beach, in great company. i was thinking dancing, drinks?
me: well…what do you want to do?
knee: rest. ice. compress. elevate.
me: mmhmm. totally down for that. can we do that tomorrow?
knee: naw. i mean sure, but …
me: i’m listening.
knee: what we’re doing at midnight matters. it matters.
me: yes, hence this exact current situation.
knee: but you want something else, right now. you know it.
me, contemplating my instincts: dang. i think you’re right. (feeling my whole body wanting to rest) you couldn’t have brought this up earlier though?
knee: i have been trying to talk to you all year. with love. turning up the volume. with love.
me: i been hearing you.
knee: you say that, you even tell others. but…actions speak louder than words.
me: truth. so. just go?
knee: just go.
me, some relief and longing moving in my system: you know, it’s unexpected. but i really do want to go. i gave so much of my year to floating through things i knew weren’t right, to doing what i thought was needed, even when it left me depleted.
knee (whistling briefly): yup. like, no exaggeration? i am pretty sure something is broken in here. i’m making it work, but it’s not pleasant.
me: a lot broke in me this year. (teary eyed glitchy montage of 2015 memories) i am so grateful for it, all of it makes me me, i know. but that was a lot.
knee: i know love. just saying, don’t take it out on me. i can heal like a miracle, and also too, i am finite.
me: i am so sorry. 2016 is our year. i mean it.
knee: so was 2015, baby girl. we twisted everything good out of this year and you know it. are we here, or are we here?
knee: what did you learn?
me: i learned…that when i ignore my body, it always leads to disaster. i learned that no is imperative if i want to be able to say an authentic yes to the good things meant for me. and…i learned that in almost every situation, i’d rather be writing.
knee: and what do those lessons look like in practice? right now?
me: it looks like going home. to rest my body, to write, to meditate, listen to my chani 2016 horoscope. i want to enter the year totally clear and free from obligation, free from the pain of ignoring my needs. jomo queen shit.
me: joy of missing out. the glory of intentional solitude. so.
me: thank you. let’s go.
knee: you sure?
me: don’t be passive aggressive. i’m saying i surrender, and taking action. i’m saying i love you, and taking action. i am ready to put you first. us. for life.
knee, glowing: oh.
so that is how i am whispering goodbye to 2015, from the quietest place i could find tonight, from my whole self to yours.