me, about to turn up for new year’s eve: what is it?
knee, twinging with petulance: nothing.
me: we not doing that anymore. you have my attention, what do you need?
knee, throbbing: to go home. i mean, to the little room.
me (feeling curious): really? we’re at the beach, in great company. i was thinking dancing, drinks?
knee: meh.
me: well…what do you want to do?
knee: rest. ice. compress. elevate.
me: mmhmm. totally down for that. can we do that tomorrow?
knee: naw. i mean sure, but …
me: i’m listening.
knee: what we’re doing at midnight matters. it matters.
me: yes, hence this exact current situation.
knee: but you want something else, right now. you know it.
me, contemplating my instincts: dang. i think you’re right. (feeling my whole body wanting to rest) you couldn’t have brought this up earlier though?
knee: i have been trying to talk to you all year. with love. turning up the volume. with love.
me: i been hearing you.
knee: you say that, you even tell others. but…actions speak louder than words.
me: truth. so. just go?
knee: just go.
me, some relief and longing moving in my system: you know, it’s unexpected. but i really do want to go. i gave so much of my year to floating through things i knew weren’t right, to doing what i thought was needed, even when it left me depleted.
knee (whistling briefly): yup. like, no exaggeration? i am pretty sure something is broken in here. i’m making it work, but it’s not pleasant.
me: a lot broke in me this year. (teary eyed glitchy montage of 2015 memories) i am so grateful for it, all of it makes me me, i know. but that was a lot.
knee: i know love. just saying, don’t take it out on me. i can heal like a miracle, and also too, i am finite.
me: i am so sorry. 2016 is our year. i mean it.
knee: so was 2015, baby girl. we twisted everything good out of this year and you know it. are we here, or are we here?
(we laugh)
knee: what did you learn?
me: i learned…that when i ignore my body, it always leads to disaster. i learned that no is imperative if i want to be able to say an authentic yes to the good things meant for me. and…i learned that in almost every situation, i’d rather be writing.
knee: and what do those lessons look like in practice? right now?
me: it looks like going home. to rest my body, to write, to meditate, listen to my chani 2016 horoscope. i want to enter the year totally clear and free from obligation, free from the pain of ignoring my needs. jomo queen shit.
knee: jomo?
me: joy of missing out. the glory of intentional solitude. so.
knee: so.
me: thank you. let’s go.
knee: you sure?
me: don’t be passive aggressive. i’m saying i surrender, and taking action. i’m saying i love you, and taking action. i am ready to put you first. us. for life.
knee, glowing: oh.
so that is how i am whispering goodbye to 2015, from the quietest place i could find tonight, from my whole self to yours.
THIS is BEAUTIFUL. Thank you.
Yes. It is like you called me from my Saturday slump to read this and feel such deep mirroring I can touch the cool glass. What you and your knee learned is so akin to what I learned, but was having a time finding the words to. Anyways, thank you and such deep love as always.
Love and more love to these slow ways of being whole. Hugs to you!