to talk to gods

lately i have been overwhelmed by the need
to talk to gods
to humble myself with mountains
to normalize my insignificance

to say i may not have believed in you the way you wanted, at least not long enough
but that one time
with Aretha playing in the car speakers
the moon on my right
the dead body under a white sheet to my left
i understood at a deeper layer than words
the need for god
and i believed
but i didn’t surrender
and here i am, no white flag
and i need your counsel

to say that when i did pray so often it was only with half my heart
the other side convinced it knew something
that the universe did not
a path without suffering
a love without shadows
gentle things that were never broken
perhaps all of that is just greed
or the limited capacity of my generation
feeling everything
we can do almost nothing
and yet this must matter
it feels so bright
it feels like you

so. it’s always been a world of stars
when i look ahead
in a dream or just cast my eyes up through the years, so many stars i can’t hide
but lately it’s a night fog
slowly swallowing all the light
and i want to know what it means
can i rest? can i exhale sometimes?
is it black brilliance, is it a new move for light?
for us, for my people who have found the miracle of blackness
is it the beginning? is it the end?
are these ever separate?