my muffin top is all that
whole grain, low fat
i know you want a piece of that
but i just wanna dance

this song, from 30 rock, is so unbelievably caught in my head that i keep finding myself doing little dances for the fake camera that follows me around (everyone has that, yes?). appalling.

i got an immense amount of work done today.

my friend han is doing some fresh work against big bad shell oil, who sponsor jazzfest. he’s looking for NOLA-based organizers and other folks heading that way to do some fun and easy work against Shell Oil starting tomorrow at JazzFest.

i wish i was going…my first jazzfest was spent in a wonderful state, in the gospel tent, watching the tambourine lady. she’s the 11th wonder of the world.

today was a big media day – did interviews about environmental direct action and the homeland security report. there’s no nice way to say certain things, but hopefully i was honest in the right ways!

now i should get some sleep – nephew weekend is FINALLY here, and i am totally ready to go and gaga out this weekend. still praying and lighting candles for my aunt annie, the news is that she is hanging in and doing great.

oh – oakland united! is tomorrow! 5:30 pm at Oasis on 12th and Madison! if you haven’t been, or been recently, roll through. things are even more fun now that we are allowed to bartend or bring in friend bartenders – this time it’s joy, and she is truly a great bartender.

btw, i’m still trucking on the L Word path – i miss Dana! this happened when I was watching 6 Feet Under way after everyone else too, wanting to process the show with folks but i’m years too late. whatever, pop culture. who can keep up?

much more interesting than any television show on today is any page from any william gibson book ever written. i am taking a new one (pattern recognition), unopened, on the plane tomorrow, and my anticipation level is awkward to navigate.

its possible that i am delirious. right now. that sleepy! do you like when i’m vulnerable? goodnight all my lovely little voyeurs!

through like an arrow

last night the matriarch of my father’s family had a double stroke. she is strong in a way that no one else i have ever met is strong. she has played a key role in raising just about everyone, her house has been the community, the safe space, the place to fall. she is ancient and mobile and tiny and her whole face is a huge grin.

in the middle of telling my staff about her at our lock-in today, we noticed that the ruckus mascot, otherwise known as megan’s dog spiff (who has had a broken leg in a purple cast for three months now), was trying to make love to a heart shaped pillow. further proof that any set of circumstances or feelings, from grief to the absurd, can exist in a single moment.

the department of home security listed ruckus as “extremist” and a “cyber attack” threat. responsive thoughts abound. mainly, when you point one finger at someone, the rest of your fingers are pointing back at yourself.

the first day of our lock-in was amazing, exciting…we’re brewing up some good trouble. sadly, i brought a soup that was completely too spicy, folks swallowed it all but we all knew i coulda done better.

i went and got my brows done and got a pedicure. every time i do anything like this, i hear nina simone singing “the other woman” in my head.

i went for a swim to work off some energy. on the way to the pool i heard that song again, “blame it on the alcohol”. this time it made me angry, as anyone who has ever been assaulted under the influence, or loved someone who experienced that, should be. especially this line:

Shawty got drunk, thought it all was a dream
So i made her say i, i i

What I hear the singer saying is, blame it on the alcohol if I turn that dream into a nightmare. Not sexy at all.

So I swam that off, and then sat around hearing some friends talk about the ways people can jerk each other around and hurt each other in the process of learning to love. Vulnerability can feel so many ways. It might be the heat, but I can’t build up a dramatic energy in my heart. Everyone deserves love, to be treated well. But love comes like oxygen, all around you if you give into it, and in an emergency, you have to give it to yourself first before you can really be of help to anyone else.

I can stay present and keep moving forward, some things are within my control and most aren’t. I feel I moved through this day so steadily, like I released myself through it, through it like an arrow. That’s the only way to hold loss and love and life in 24 hot hours.