dear adrienne: long-distance

i often get little requests for advice. i often give answers.

Question from a friend: Do you have any advice for managing long distance relationships? The desire to be together versus the need to maintain boundaries? My sweetie is an introvert and is feeling overwhelmed, while I feel that we only have these few days and want to make the most of our time together. It’s leading to some hurt and confused feelings. Help!


first, i am sending love to your heart where its feeling a little hurt and confused.

pacing is really important in the long distance scenario – it can feel like you are falling really fast into seriousness because of the long calls and intense visits, but you still get to choose together how your particular entanglement goes. stayed tuned in and honest about what feels right. it might help to exchange some stories about paces of relationship and love that have worked for you in the past as a starting point.

the other thing is to watch for scarcity. this has been my achilles heel for a long time, feeling like i need to rush a great thing because i only have a tiny amount of time (3 days for deep conversations and staring at each other and sex and dates and meeting friends and and and)…unsurprisingly this rarely works for deepening the connection. invite abundance in.

if you feel scarcity or fast pace creeping in, breathe in and out really deeply. remember that you are all you need, you have all you need.

ideally she is a partner to you in loving yourself, rather than a receptacle for your love. no matter what, you get to feel your love. its just whether she has capacity to partner in it.

and have curiosity: what does overwhelm feel like for her, what contributes to it, how can you set the right boundaries for her personality to benefit most from yours?

most of all, enjoy 🙂

2010…now 2011

first, a variety of random lessons from 2010:

– i can will myself into ecstatic joy
– it’s better to keep q-tips near the toilet
– i can bake bread
– i can make cheese
– i really do prefer facilitating to having a full-time job
– i have limits in terms of how much work i can do, and how of myself i can give to others…the limits expand when i give myself time to create.
– it’s also good to keep toilet paper right by the toilet – like within arm’s reach.
– i love swimming enough that i can do it every day and never grow tired of it
– meditation vastly improves my life. the more i do, the more i can be.
– i have to love myself first and foremost. not the idea of a self i could be, but my actual self.
– my instincts are almost always right. this doesn’t mean anyone is ready to hear what i feel – nor does it mean i can adequately articulate what i feel – but what i feel is almost always accurate in the long run.
– i still miss my dog, though she’d been dead 5 years now.
– i revel in being a physical introvert. it’s so much truer to who i am than anything else.
– butter makes everything taste better, and if you put the right amount of butter in a dish then people will say you can cook.
– technology’s benefits still outweigh the costs
– i know nothing.

potential mottos or principles for 2011:

– do or do not, there is no try…(yoda)
– we know nothing…how exciting 🙂
– we can experiment, endlessly
– when it gets hard, lean in
– this may be our last year. ever. what you gonna do?
– lose control 🙂
– don’t talk about it, be.
– be a dandelion, be a mushroom, be your best you

in other news…my love is wall, smash into me!