ohio

i’m in the flatlands again. the last time i was in bowling green ohio it was the night of the second presidential debates. i was supposed to cover it for alternet/wiretap, after giving a speech to a crowd that included the amazing alli star. we were in a bar watching the debates and the dear sweet friend i was traveling with experienced a devastating personal loss. we’d been on the road and were both on the far end of tired. when you stay on the road so long you feel this near constant aloneness, talking to yourself and laughing at your own jokes and thumbing through your memories so that they turn sepia in your head. its an odd place to suddenly have deeply personal challenges thrown your way, there’s no one to really catch you, you learn your own strength and ability to give. i sat up with my friend until two of her other people could get to us, drinking beers and feeling the loss. what energy i had was white hot, shit kept popping into my peripheral vision, but in front of me i just saw that we are never really old enough for grief.

coming back here makes me feel grown up and cautious. life’s been hard lately, i need a quiet wide moment but can i trust the endless skies and endless fields here. the worst concentrated racism in the country is harbored in pockets of this state. but i’m here with some of the most brilliant media minds in the country, talking about how we frame and blast next level thinking and comunity building at the allied media conference (www.alliedmediaconference.com). go check it out and wish you were here – big ups to joshua brietbart, jason, mike and shannon who all helped with my bein here. i’m going to keep an open mind.

today i had a nice talk with my landlady. she still won’t let me stay though, so the evil is still present. i am trying to let life flow over me and wash me clean of all feelings of ownership on this earth. to that end i am rereading the hitchhikers guide to the universe!

i go and read chelsea’s blog and feel remarkably unfunny but i don’t care, my life is not funny right now. i and everyone i know are going through a series of slow small tragedies of the heart and home and the only state in which i can laugh these days is one of such inebriation that i can’t write you all. just kidding mama, i never drink to numb the pain!

off to the cornfields!

gloria g said it best

i’m surviving or i will. thank you for all the home advice and the couple of folks who said they would be down to love me forever, y’all are adorable if not the cool drink of water i’m thirsty for. but its all good. i will find a home and piece back together some  stronger heart that can love even better! all my lessons this year have been in pain, punishment, loss, frustration, not getting what i want, and each time finding i can lift myself, my hope and love and possibility above the current circumstance of life in work and personal isht.  in other news – yesterday was tupac’s birthday in case y’all ain’t notice. in other news, there’s earthquakes in california. in other news all sorts of madness and war continues. my worries are cataclysmic but contained and tiny.

oh but DO go see the malcolm x exhibit at the schomberg.

peace
adrienne

5th element

i am having a reawakened moment about the 5th element – y’all know that movie? i love that movie cause in the end its clear that the divine can take the human form but loves makes miracles and only love can save the world and in my heart of hearts i’m that cornbally cheesepuff love freak.  and i work hard, y’all, i don’t complain – i LOVE my work. however, i feel like i can’t get the truly divine output without love. hence my current tragedy is all-encompassing.

those following the lyrics know i been having love woes, i am fundamentally unloved by the one who looked in further than anyone else and said, eh – naw. i wrote how it feels to bury the idea of love, to realize that your beloved is like a dead self and it is done and you can’t move on unless you bury it or it will keep faking you out that it might come to life but really its rotting:

it hurts so overwhelmingly much and i keep crying on the train, on the street, in my office, in bathrooms, in bed, all the time i just have to stop and bend over from the waist and weep shamelessly – its a new freedom, this pain. i feel like i am grieving my man, grieving my own heart and the one in me who loves, this great loss, this face and person and magic i won’t know again. i know everyone says i will, i hear that. but i hate that truth. i don’t want to love again, love someone else, wait for it. you know?

i also have a feeling right now though of something put through a fire and come out. shapeable, so hot i could burn any bridge i need to, or anyone who touched me. its time for the most fabulous adrienne, totally reshaped by the fire. i predict that groundbreakingly stunningly brilliantly untouchable adrienne will emerge as soon as i stop weeping and wailing.

hello stranger

someone asked me if i was still updating daily and i realized its been a while. so here’s a lot of little stuff:

song of the week: faithful, common with john legend and bilal; particularly the last bridge where they go to church about being faithful, which i have recently realized might be my number one skill.

movie of the week: the original bonnie and clyde with faye dunaway and warren beatty. watch this movie and listen to testify on common’s album. nothing is easy, live boldly.  their last look in this film is worth the creation of cameras.

emotion of the week: for myself and a few of my closest – surviving with a smile, cause sometimes you have to push yourself all the way into the corner before you can see the walls. you know when it hurts so much you wince and it becomes a smile cause if someone were to ask you it hurts so much that you’d drown trying to explain it – as my girl said, can we put a moratorium on people asking how you are? like when your feelings have been discarded so thoroughly that you know to speak of them  would have the opposite effect of your emotion. when you can’t see the end of it? i keep talking to folks and we’re all there at the moment, for a variety of reasons, and we’re all gonna be ok but harder afterwards, that saddens me.

lyrics of the weak: google the lyrics to ‘ghost’ by indigo girls. one of my girls passed this along to me, i don’t even know the melody. wrenching and accurate.

hopeful thought of the week: god is real. not particular, but on a meta scale god is happening and few see it for real and most only in glimpses but something about the purity of my current darkness has allowed me to see a light. and i am reporting back, something divine is furiously alive right now, expressing its hope in lightning and thunder and rainstorms and intense heat and long nights and moments on a stoop and my dreams. i keep having these sudden moments of prayer come over me – talking to other activist types and we keep concluding that our work is god’s work, gods are who we are, fragments of god.

activist thing of the week: check out the bloc network – http://www.blocnetwork.org/

good night of the week: last night i went to the fundraiser for tchaiko omawale’s latest film project – sita, a fairytale love story with mia herndon the lovely as a fairy. lots of fabulous and lovely sparkly people – tyler askew, tchaiko, shonali, chelsea peretti fabulously drunk and elegant, ejikeme uzoigwe uzoigwe, fanon, natasha the best dresser on the planet, and johnny and b-polite from the second2last crew, nzinga, mad folks plus a fetish show! kat aaron and josh breitbart, two cutting edge media activists, were my companions for the evening and both are remarkably humble and brilliant, always good company. we stayed at the fundraiser for a while and then bounced to anna lappe’s house – i mentioned a few posts ago about her father’s passing, so it was good to see her smiling. the spot was popping with the brightest – ibrahim abdul matin, bryant terry, jee kim, gita drury, shalini kali, andrew boyd, shane and rose, tony and adriana, this chick jesse that made sure my drink hand was occupied at all times, sharif corinaldi, lots of lovelys. i drank spiced rum and the conversation was all so compelling that i was drunk before i noticed, woke up this morning with a plastic party cup by the bed and a headache. i’ve needed a night like that for a while. i slept like a drunk.  today was overflow, lots of good folks in town for the weekend, namely toki wright from the twin cities – he’s going to be on mtv soon teaching folks to flow. he rolled thru the home spot with terry from oakland and nikki from the bk, all block network folk. and then taz ahmed, who founded south asian american voting youth (saavy) last year. and my road dawg sofia, who’s mama is in town, dipped out for a brief moment of not being a daughter. they filled up the house with some nice looking-for-a-good-time energy. maybe i’ll go dancing tonite. maybe i’ll just dance right now.

peace
dre

star wars

so its all unveiled. i went to see star wars and its all unveiled. empire is bad, with us or against us is a simple dynamic, and waiting makes everything better. sometimes you have to close your logic and feel your way, but doing crazy shit for love may just leave you with artificial limbs and all crispy. yoda is still the coolest thing ever, and the force is what’s up. go on and see it.

also, its dance africa at BAM this weekend. basquiat’s still up at BMA. brooklyn is still the best place on earth.

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things u should know

– i say updated daily, but by daily i mean whatever days i feel like it so please stop asking me that
– yes that is me giggling on my voice mail, same person
– when i say lyrics of the week or something, please OVERstand that there are no regular features in this blog and don’t come to expect that
– yesterday i was getting on a train and this tall black dude in a suit was getting off and he was like damn and staring at my left hip like it was carved by michaelangelo and he got off and just stood there dumbfounded until the train pulled away. i smiled, half ashamed for him, half merciful, but mostly glad someone appreciated the outfit which included parachute pants and refound boots! today i went into ihop for a meeting and THE SAME DUDE came up in normal clothes looking tall and told me where and when he’d seen me and gave me the number. it was precious. will i call him? no – anyone who’s been following the lyric posts knows adrienne is in a complicated affair of the heart already. still – keith, wherever you at, you made my day. in general there needs to be more genuine moments of being dumbfounded by the existence of others.
– today i was im’ing two people at the same time – one was lamenting her woeful lack of direction; and the other was going on about how much she ADORES and ADMIRES the lamenter. i matchmade, confidence ensued.
– i am shooting the pilot for a youth debate tv show. tv is bizarre. i hope this will provide a space for nuanced progressive conversation – i hope it ever gets seen.

that’s all for today. do this:

> PLEASE TAKE 60 SECONDS TO SIGN OUR NEW ONLINE PETITION to Governor  
> Schwarzenegger urging him to close the youth prisons of the California 
> Youth Authority (CYA).
>
> http://BooksNotBars.org/petition


in the rain

saturday afternoon i needed to be cleansed. lately my goods and bads have been a bit extreme. everyone’s coming at me and going from me and i have no say, not in the plan…i’m on top of my own plan, that lonely efficiency. the family was in town, i adore my family, i need them – for the first time in a long time it felt like 5 people all moving in 5 directions the entire time. the common denominator was to complain about this city of mine, looking past all the places i loved at the end of my pointing fingers. plus work was intense, lots of visitors also somewhat befuddled by these streets and rivers of mine. my favorite ny mysteries suddenly seemed vulgar in show and tell.
and so many of the people i love are leaving the city in a mad dash, i hear secondhand, after the decision is made and the movement has started, tossed over the shoulder – ‘i’m leaving’. i hear doubtful voices of far off loved ones, ‘maybe i will return, but not willingly’. so saturday afternoon i needed to remember why, when everyone’s leaving, i still love this home i’ve chosen, and i came out of the subway to go to an official board dinner and i looked up into a thunderstorm sky, yellow clouds and purple backdrops, the sun off to the left not absent, but to the right near blackness. the wind was lifting up everyone’s cool, grown men and pregnant women could be witnessed elbowing each other for space under awnings as the first drops fell down. i thought i could make it. i stopped for a moment under an awning with an older white couple who argued about catching a cab. i thought ‘what are you so scared of?’, took off my sandals and glasses and walked out into it right when the rain really started to hit the ground. i stepped into the road rivers and landlocked lakes and let the water create a true second skin of all my layered clothes and i slowed down. couldn’t see anything really but the rain, the lights, people huddling away from it. i thanked god for my limited vision and the water and the moment where the city can remember the land underneath it which used to arch into green for such a rain. in new york you can still be shameless, illicit some innocent shock, catch yourself off-guard and pay the consequences. i shivered all night in the restaurant, but i felt fearless. so i am a fool sometimes. fault me. my life is all available to me. i push it away, but then i pull it close just for the scent. so messy, so unfulfilling. life’s constant product is perfect desire. 

_

lyrics for the week:

Tides that I tried to swim against

Brought me down upon my knees

– clocks, coldplay

I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
– sideways, citizen cope

I level with death even beneath radar
I level with death and she got pretty eyes
Nobody told me death was so damn fine
I go to sleep with that girl on my mind
Wake up in a sea, I wanna fire in line
Grab my heat, then it’s get down time
One day I’ma make that girl all mine
But for now I’m a soldier abidin’ my time
Writin’ my rhyme behind enemy lines
– war, mos def

maybe its the full moon. my friend writes horoscopes at: http://www.itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html